living with depression

Monthly Archives: November 2015

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Today has been a long day.  Rick had a doctor’s appointment this morning as he had been advised to do this.  The doctor went through the information given by the hospital and checked that Rick understood everything including the new medication.  From there we went to the Valley Methodist Church which is part of our normal routine.

This afternoon I went along to the JCC (joint church committee) meeting.  It was the first one ever I have been to since having been made a committee member.  It was interesting as I’ve never been before but hadn’t expected it to go on for so long.  I was feeling tired anyway and struggled to keep my eyes open for a little while – the meeting was 2 1/2 hours.  Subsequently I missed out on meeting the cardiac nurse who had arranged to visit this afternoon.

Rick was annoyed but he did know I am a JCC member now and said he was okay about this.  I am happy with being part of church life and it’s good for me as it keeps my mind occupied.  It’s something I never imagined myself doing yet I like it.  I need to feel part of something that’s outside my marriage.  It gives me something to talk about.

 

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I had every intention of posting but I couldn’t.  Sylvia is on my mind quite a bit so I am thinking of the good times.  Yesterday I was told that the postmortem has been done and she died of a heart attack.  She had died sitting on her armchair and looked contented.  It has been very hard on all of her as Sylvia had a heart of gold but at least she is pain free, can see again (Sylvia was almost blind) and is in heaven.

Rick has realized that he does need to rest as he feels washed out if he is out.  It is hard going for both of us.  For Rick it’s being forced to rest and not to drive for four weeks.  Me …. I’m being tough with Rick over what to eat, making sure he does rest and not lifting.

Part of me is still angry with Rick as I tried to make him eat better but wouldn’t.  Doctors at our surgery were giving him the same advise yet Rick seemed to be in denial.  I don’t if the heart attack shook him up or not as he won’t talk about it.

Being in church this morning felt a bit strange as Sylvia wasn’t there.  When Mary and I were doing the teas Betty asked me if I would do the teas with her when the rota is done.  Sylvia used to do the teas with Betty so I felt quite chuffed that Betty asked asked me.

What’s happened this past week as shaken me up.  My mood was beginning to get better, now I am back to square one.

 

 

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Monday night Rick suffered bad pain in his chest and thought it was an angina attack.  By 10 pm it was that bad he rang 111 and an ambulance car arrived.  The medic did an ECT then another ambulance turned up so one of the medics looked at it then said they would take him to James Cook University  Hospital.  I followed up in the car.  By the time I arrived there Rick was already in the theatre so a nurse kindly got me a cup of tea and some biscuits.  Soon after Rick was back on the ward and found out he had had a stent put in an artery.

A couple of years ago Rick knew he had a blocked artery and had been in to see if the surgeon could get a stent.  It couldn’t be done though but this time it was a different artery and a stent was put in.  Basically Rick had a heart attack. I went home to get some sleep and I got home by about 2.30 am.  By about 10 am I was back at the hospital to keep Rick company.  During the morning he had an x-ray taken of his chest.  At 2 pm I went home home to catch up on sleep but I knew a friend was going to visit in the evening.  I didn’t get much rest as I was getting so many telephone.  It did me some good knowing so many people care.  This morning I got to the hospital about 9.15 am.  Shortly afterwards Rick was taken for a scan and while he was off the ward a cardiac nurse turned up with informatiom.  Rick was brought backed before she left so she was able togo through every thing again.

After a while a doctor came into the room and told Rick that there has been some damage to his heart.  However she did say he could come home.  When we got back the phone calls started again which I am appreciating as people do care.  I was devastated to hear that a friend had died in her sleep.  It sounds like she just fell asleep and died so it was quick.

Over the past couple of days I have felt angry, upset, tired, numb and devastated.  It is difficult to cope and I have been knocked sideways.  The important thing is Rick is home.

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Today has been a good day for me which is a much needed feeling.  I have been depressed for what seems an eternity.  The only time I started to get irritable was attempting to type a bit on the Valley Methodist Church for the circuit website.  It’s almost impossible to read Cliff’s handwriting at the best of times but have decided to leave it until tomorrow.  I am down at the church for a couple of hours in the morning for quiet time in the chapel.  This means I get to type it out and he can tell me what words are that I can’t decypher.  Cliff has a wife but I am his unpaid secretary …. one of these days I will tell him I am on strike.

There is a lack of volunteers for the Woodhouse Close Church stall at the college this coming Saturday.  I have had my name put down for an hour but there are two of us who will be alone for our stints.  This morning I was asked if Rick could be with me but I already know he can’t be there so I don’t know what will be happening.  It is annoying as it’s the same few who have volunteered although there are a couple of ladies who can’t this time.

I was also informed that there is a meeting for messy church on Tuesday if my friend has got the time and day right.  She isn’t sure that she will be able to attend due to an appointment.  It’s 50 / 50 that I will be able to attend either and I dislike short notice meetings.  I’m just hoping that I don’t get any stupid questions at the next messy church session.  Last time I was asked how to use a tin opener … yes, seriously, then asked a little while later how to use the dishwasher.  As it was today I was asked to help with the teas as the person on that rota didn’t turn up.  Sometimes I feel like setting up resident in the church kitchen.

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I think

Last night I tried posting and spent some time on it but lost everything.  Yesterday we had a meeting to do with safeguarding and towards the end Cliff, the senior steward at the Valley Methodist Church, asked about the new system of signing in for when we have bible study.  Last week his brother wasn’t at all happy and caused a bit of friction which really upset me.  I, naturally, stuck up for Rick as he was in the right and was doing exactly what had been agreed at the Creating a Safer Space training the day before.  One of the ladies mentioned that people, except cafe customers, have to sign in and out.  I piped up that Woodhouse Close Church have introduced this as well recently.  It makes sense on the grounds of safety, fire, and, insurance purposes.  It also helps the church to know who comes through the building particularly as children and vulnerable people come in.

Anyway, at bible study, I let rip that we were doing what we had been asked to by the circuit safeguarding co-ordinator.  I also pointed out that I am severely depressed and I am fed up of being ignored / talked over certain people.  Then I told everybody that there is no point in me being part of the bible study group if they continue to behave like this towards me and sat at the back of church.  Cliff took his brother home.

Fast forward to yesterday and Cliff was told exactly the same as we were.  His response was ask if this was because Rick is a vulnerable person.  Rick and I said “no,” it is because Margaret – she attends bible study – has senile dementia.  Jenny, the safeguarding officer at the Valley, was laughing and nodding her head as she knows this is true.  It shut up Cliff though.  He isn’t happy that we will continue with having a record of who is at bible study.

Last night Cliff wasn’t at bible study due to commitments and incredibly there weren’t any disagreements about the list.  I did, however, still had to ask his brother to show me a bit of respect and let me finish what I was saying to him just before we left.  It is getting very tiring that he thinks it is acceptable to tell me to “shut up” then talk over me just because I dare to continue speaking.  This will come to a head eventually because I am fed up of a weekly ritual of him not listening to me when I am talking to him / the group and telling me to shut up.

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We have been helping out a couple with the latest saga being taking them and the girlfriend’s son down to London as the son needs a new passport.  It ended up being the day from hell.

Shortly into the journey we couldn’t move on the A1 for half an hour.  When we got into London we knew the traffic would be bad.  It was when we finally dropped them off near the Bulgarian Embassy after 7 hours of them constantly talking on top of the bad traffic.  They were asked to meet us outside the front of the Royal Albert Hall between 3 pm – 3.30 pm so we could have a bit of a breather before coming home.

We decided to get back at 2.30pm and spent the next hour texting them and ringing to ask them to meet us.  When they eventually spoke to Rick they apparently got it wrong over where to meet us at the Royal Albert Hall.  They checked the son’s phone which had very conveniently turned off to find out that was the mobile we were ringing and texting.  I was a bit sarcastic and asked them what part of meet us at the Royal Albert Hall didn’t  they understand.

I was exhausted and had a terrible headache which hadn’t been helped by forgetting to pick up my medication.  On the way back the three of them gradually got louder and louder but I couldn’t  say anything as I would have exploded.  Rick had a word with them but they didn’t take a blind bit of notice.  We eventually dropped them of at about 9.30 pm and could have cheered but was too tired.  I never ever want to go a journey with them again let alone a long one.  It is bizarre to me that a couple and a 9 year old can talk for 13 hours of travelling .  The son should have been exhausted as we picked them up at 5 am.

I have laid down the law about not taking them anywhere.  It isn’t my problem that they can’t (won’t?) budget and that they are too flipping lazy to do as we have suggested over sorting out their money problems.

I have deliberately dropped them in it on Friday as I am so sick of them taking advantage at one organisation that has been helping them with food, gas and electricity.  Fortunately Rick backed me up.  I told the lady there they can afford to buy two packets of cigarettes a day which is probably about £12 – £14.  I also said that they are wasting their money on things for the home such as secondhand mixer taps and shower unit which cost £40.  They have been buying vases, lights and so on as well so they are proving they’re not prioritising.  The lady said she will get them in to give them a budgeting pack and go through their finances with them.  What has made them looking even worse is that they had agreed to pay for petrol to get them to London and back plus the congestion charge in London.  Instead they have spent their money on things they don’t need.  They had words with the organisation who agreed to lend them money which they will have to pay back although I had to sign for the money as Rick didn’t trust them with the money.

I can do without people like that when I am severely depressed!

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Yet again I am tired.  It’s been a long day mentally rather than physically which I believe can be worse at times.  This morning I was at church and Rick had to stay at home.  We have this long running saga over a leak in the bathroom which has included having roofers out to put new felt in and a couple of new tiles.  A roofer came out and he couldn’t understand and the electrician turned up just before I went out.  When I got home I wasn’t impressed that we now have a hole in the ceiling and we have to leave the electric for the shower turned on.

I had time at home to have a rest at home, lunch and be online.  The AGM at church was on today at 4 pm which I went to purely because I knew I had been nominated for the joint council committee.  All the members who have been part of it are still on the JCC but now  myself and Cynthia are members of the committee.  I still not sure exactly what the JCC does but no doubt I soon will.

After the AGM and staying long enough for a coffee, half a salmon roll and a scone I was picked up for the evening service at the Valley Methodist Church.  Rick had arranged for me to be picked by June as he had to get set up for this evening and lead the prayer meeting.  It was a good meeting although I was relieved to get home.  We have to be up early tomorrow which isn’t exactly cheering me up either.

It really is getting me down now that I’m not having a break as such.  I enjoy my normal routine it’s other things making my mood worse.  Tomorrow I will have to keep a check on my tongue as I can see me telling two people a few home truths.

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Life just feels pointless at the moment and I am just going through the motions.  It takes time for me to get to sleep then when I do I wake up regularly.  Last night wasn’t any different so I am constantly tired.   I no longer get any pleasure out of anything I do yet haven’t got the energy to speak out that I don’t want to do volunteering for the time being.  Even eating is a struggle now and I am losing the will to do even that.  I know I should see my doctor but that feels pointless as well as I’ve already had my anti depressant – Sertraline – increased.  Before that I was on Citalopram which worked for a while then stopped helping so how many times do I have to go back to get my head sorted?

you stole

For too many years I did what I told and kept quiet that I was a mother.  Except.  My parents hoped my son had gone away forever.  He came back but my mother still didn’t want to acknowledge him.  Her only grandson.  My family ‘won’ in the long term.  He and I don’t communicate.  I have a grandson but I’m not allowed to be a grandmother.  It hurts when I know someone becomes a grandparent and they can be one in the real sense.  No matter how I try to put my pain to bed I suffer triggers but I can’t tell anybody.  All I ever wanted was to be a mother to my son.  Instead I hide my pain.  Too many triggers.  Too much pain.  Will it ever end?

grief

Death will be the only healing I will get.  Too many years of being made to feel a bad person.  I was never a good enough daughter for my parents.  I was never a good enough sister for my sister.  Too many years of being the black sheep of the family.  Too many times of being accused of things I hadn’t said or did.  I have made mistakes in my life but why should I be blamed for things I haven’t done?

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I used to hate triggers when I was going through good patches but now I wish I could go back to those days just so I could a good rant then feel a bit better.  Trying to keep the mask on day by day is hard work and a struggle.  Last night I came very close walking out of bible study as there were eruptions and the usual ‘ignore Pip and talk over her’.

Due to being advised that we should have a record of people at bible study we decided to implicate straight away.  Apparantly this should have been done anyway for health and safety reasons such as if there is a fire or somebody has an accident.  It makes a lot of sense despite being a pain in the rear as the toilets are downstairs and and we meet upstairs in the chapel.  One of the arguments why we should ‘sign in’ and ‘out’ is that if someone has an accident but hasn’t signed in there isn’t written proof he or she was there.

One of the people started objecting and stated he didn’t see why we should and would only do it if it’s a new thing to do.  Technically it isn’t as we should have been doing this anyway but as we didn’t know it is new.  Every time I backed Rick (husband) up I was ignored, interrupted or talked over so in the end I exploded.  I made it quite clear that I am sick to death of certain people behaving this way and there is no point me being there as it happens week after week.  This person didn’t like what was being said so chucked his toys out of his pram and said he was going home.  I was so furious that I said I would sit at the back as it was obvious that it was okay for him to be rude and behave the way he was.  I also made it clear that as I am severely depressed I can do without all this.  His brother took him home but I stayed at the back as I was so upset.

On top of this and at short notice Rick agreed to take a couple to the James Cook  Hospital as the girlfriend had an appointment for an MRI scan.  She had a brain tumour about two years ago and has to have scans done every six months.  I know they are hard up as neither of them are working but on the other side of the coin they can find the money for cigarettes and luxuries such as mixer taps for a shower (£40), picture etc.  They regularly get food parcels plus money to put gas and electric put on.  They seem to expect us to go running every time they need something so this morning I made it quite clear to Rick that if they ring after lifts again I will be ringing them straight back.  They knew about this appointment so could have arranged free transport and I am not quite convinced they didn’t know the right number to ring.

I am also steaming that over another matter with them now.  Some time ago they mentioned that they would need to go to London to get the girlfriend’s son’s passport renewed – they are Bulgerian and the boyfriend is English.  Rick offered to take them as it will be cheaper to take them than them going by public transport.  This means I have to go as well as the car is leased through motability for me.  Anyway the condition was that they gave us money for petrol as we can’t afford to lay out that kind of money and it is for their benefit not ours.  Instead they are having to borrow the money through a local organisation that helps people out who are poor / having problems with benefits.  Rick requested that the money was given to me because he doesn’t trust them to keep the money to one side for Monday so that was collected and signed for by me this afternoon.  At the moment I don’t know if I can trust myself not to read the riot act out to the pair of them on Monday as they are pushing my buttons too often now.  It’s not as if I don’t know what it is like to be poor … I do but at least we paid our bills, got food in and then bought luxuries if we could afford to.

All I know is something has to give and I don’t know what it is.

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