living with depression

Monthly Archives: December 2015

Christmas decorations are now down although cards are still up.  When we were first married we did tend to leave the decorations up until at least New Year’s Day.  Now it is almost a relieve to get them down a few days after Christmas Day.  The neighbourhood has been very quiet over the silly season which seems to be the trend over the past few years. I can’t remember the last time I have seen children out with new bikes, roller skates etc over Christmas.

What hasn’t helped my mood lately is that about a year on we still have a leak coming through the ceiling and rising damp.  It took many months and a ‘repair’ for the housing association to accept that it isnt just a minor leak.  Eventually we had scaffolding up so that the roofers could replace the felt and some of the tiles.  This seemed to solve the problem for a short time but it’s back and worse than before.  About three or four weeks ago someone else came out while I was at lunch club and told Rick that the roof needed doing again as the felt was substandard.  We understood that the job would be done before Christmas.

It hasn’t and Rick eventually rang up and was told that nothing could be done until after Christmas as the scaffolders are off on holiday for two weeks.  What has annoyed us even more is the lack of communication and whoever Rick spoke to told him someone would be out towards the end of January.  With all the rain we have had the carpet in the bathroom is wet, the rising damp is getting worse and we seem to have water constantly dripping in the bathroom.  Someone else has since been out and has said the job is urgent now as he has seen the state of the bathroom.

I know we don’t have to pay for the repairs but I would rather have not had this problem in the first place.  It’s probably part of the reason why we can’t shift our colds and generally feeling under the weather.  I know it’s not helping my mood either.  Before Christmas I booked up an appointment for the 5th January 2016 which is also the day that the first of the lunch clubs start.  It’s an early appointment so shouldn’t affect the time I get there.  The doctor I usually see specifically about my depression is on maternity leave so I hope the doctor I will be seeing will listen.  I am so fed up of feeling tired all of the time and not interested in doing much.  I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts more than usual over Christmas.  It’s not I am am at danger of carrying through with it as I love my cats much as well as Rick.  My little Bella aka Tinkerbelle spends quite a bit of time sharing the settee with me.

For a kitten who was born to a feral cat who lost interest in her after two weeks Tinkerbelle is a very lovable cat.  Tasha, our other cat, likes having the bedroom as her territory which we don’t mind.  The cats have a cat flap so they can come and go as and when they want to but they are both very homely cats.

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So I have managed to survive another Christmas Day.  We got up at a reasonable time as we wanted to go to the Christmas morning service at Witton Park Methodist Church.  It was nice opening presents as we had, for the second year running, been able to buy presents without worrying how much we spent.  David took the service which was lovely.

We had intended going to Hartlepool to walk along the sea wall but I wasn’t feeling too well and it was freezing cold.  It is just a bad cold which has been passed backwards and forwards between us so we are both feeling run down.  Normally I do a three course meal on Christmas Day but neither of us could face that so I just did the main course.  We enjoyed what we had though.

It was lovely to just relax at home for a change.  We had a friend round for tea but I didn’t mind that as she doesn’t have much of a social life and our neighbour joined us as well.

Yesterday we did venture out to Hartlepool to look round the shops for bargains.  We bought a few bits and pieces then went for a stroll along the sea front.  It was raining but it was still nice walking along there.

 

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Last Saturday I went out for a ‘girls’ night out in Shildon to see an Elvis tribute act at the working men’s club in Shildon.  It was great to let my hair down for a change and it has been the best night out I’ve had in a long time.  My friend (and neighbour) invited me out as she was going with her daughter whom I do know and her friend whom I have met once plus two friends of my neighbour.  We were the ones who got other people up dancing eventually simply because they could see we were having fun.

Since then Rick and I have been able to go out when we have felt like it.  This year hasn’t had a festive feeling leading up to Christmas even with getting in presents, decorations up and the ‘treats’ we like to have in for Christmas.

Last night we went out for a meal with friends which was their Christmas present to us.  It’s been a while since we have been out for a meal so it was a nice change from the norm.  While we were there an accident occured and the road was partially closed but we were able to get out okay.

I used to love Christmas as a child and up until I was 19 years old.  It was the one time of the year that was special and to look forward to.  Christmas always kept up its magic for me.  It wasn’t just about receiving presents it was also to celebrate Jesus’ birthday although technically he was probably between January and March but with the calendar changing it was still kept to the 25th December.  I also loved giving presents, well I still do.  Of course the reason I don’t enjoy Christmas as much as I used to is because of my son being illegally adopted.  The Christmasses he was with us I did enjoy as we were a family.  Now Christmas makes me sad and hurt.  I wish I could be honest with people why I prefer a quiet Christmas but they wouldn’t understand.

 

I carry

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god will carry

This week has become a blur.  On Monday morning we down at the Valley M. C. for quiet time and for the men to get on with odd jobs.  Duncan turned up with Molly who was her usual happy self.  She is the kind of dog that makes life worth living.

The Tuesday lunch club was was a good day.  I enjoy serving the food as the people are very appreciative.   Cynthia still wasn’t sure if we were going to have fresh or frozen brussel sprouts so she said she would give me a ring.

Wednesday morning Cynthia rang up to let me know I could go in to do the brussel sprouts.  She had already done half of them so it didn’t take long to do the rest.  Cynthia had also asked me to peel carrots if I didn’t mind but nobody could find them.  It was a good morning though as other people were in the building so I was able to have a chat everytime someone came into the kitchen.

Yesterday was a long day which I was expecting as it was my third year of being in the kitchen.  I got in half an hour early just to get a head start on the potatoes and Catherine got in a bit earlier as well.  Fortunately we had extra help with other volunteers coming into the kitchen when needed.  It was funny when Peter got the volunteers down to the hall so we could receive our presents.  I wore my ‘santa’ hat which has Ho! Ho! Ho! and I turned the button on so the hat had lights flashing.  Peter said “Our Pip has been flashing all morning …” which caused laughter.  It was an innocent comment but it was the way he said it that was so funny.  I stayed for my dinner although I did leave earlier than the others.

The Valley M. C. had it’s annual carol singing rond the streets in Eldon Lane and Close House for Save the Children again.  I made it quite clear that I was willing to walk round but I was taking it easy.  My whole body was aching so I was glad to get home.  When I went to bed I realized I had forgotten to take my tablets but was too tired to get up and take them.  I slept badly which I put down to being in so much pain and being over tired.

I really didn’t feel like going to the Shildon M. C. lunch club but didn’t want to let Joan down.  It was much easier than yesterday as we only had about 30 to cook for including us.  There was much more washing up to do though as there was extra food including sausages wrapped in bacon.

Rick wanted to get out for a little while after I got home so I cooked him a quick meal before going out.  Again I felt too achy to do much but it was worth having a look round a couple of shops.

I am relieved that I have two weeks off now to relax.  It’s been a long year with little rest.  It’s added to my mood being low whereas it used to help because it kept my mind occupied.

at

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This week has been so tiring and I am at the point of losing the will to live.

Tuesday wasn’t too bad as I got a bit of a break in the afternoon but it seemed a long evening.  We went to Brandon Methodist Church for the Encounter Programme social evening.  The first part was being taken round five gazebos which depicts the Christmas story and is aimed at young children.  It’s well done and good for children to see and take part in.

Wednesday was a long day as we got shopping in after a nurse’s appointment for Rick.  I found it hard going due to being tired and not sleeping as well as I need.

Thursday was a horrendous day.  It has been harder work in the lunch club since we have been back to three of us in the kitchen.  Catherine went off for a dentist appointment at 11.30 am so it felt like we didn’t stop to breathe.  I wasn’t happy that someone spilled water in the corridor and didn’t mop it up.  Eventually I did but I shouldn’t have been expected to do this.  By the time Catherine got back we were struggling to keep up the pace of serving and clearing up.

I had also opened my mouth before getting my mouth into first gear on Tuesday by offering to get vegetables prepared for next Thursday.  It is the lunch club Christmas dinner and there are a lot more people on that day.  At the time Cynthia thanked me and said we should be able to cope.  By Thursday she was considering whether to do fresh or frozen  brussel sprouts and asked me if I was still willing to go in on Wednesday if she got fresh.  I have agreed to that.

In the evening we had bible study and I was exhausted by that time.  If I had had my way I would have gone to bed.

Yesterday it was hard for me to concentrate at the lunch club in Shildon as I was so tired.  We had bills to pay so it became another long day.  I will be glad when next Friday afternoon comes as I will have two weeks of much needed rest.  It isn’t helping my mood.

depression

 

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I know the problem is I haven’t stopped and desperately need a break but can’t step back as I enjoy what I do.

On Saturday it was our Christmas Fayre and as usual I was in the kitchen.  We had an extra person helping.  This person was well meaning but managed to get on our nerves.  I was glad to get home.

Today was Sylvia’s funeral which went well.  It was very sad that she didn’t have any family to be there for her.  We went to the cemetary for the last part and it was at the point that I finally cried.  It was hard on so many people as she was loved and liked.

Messy church still went on this afternoon as it was arranged and children did turn up.  It good that more children were there this time.  Children are a lovely distraction when I am unhappy.

I am tired but struggle to get to sleep.  I am eating for no better reason than food is there.  My concentration has gone completely.  I wish I didn’t have to do anything, leave home, be polite …. just cut myself off from the outside.  I am tired of wearing a mask

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Recently I confirmed a friend request on Facebook from an old school friend.    We became friends when we were 10 or 11 years old and I can still remember going to a birthday party she had.  Even though we had our best friends there was a connection between us.  She even came away with my family, Nanna, my sister’s boyfriend and me one year.  I loved going round to her home and staying over sometimes as it got me away from my family.  We lost contact after leaving school although we sometimes got the same train when we were working.

A day or two ago this friend posted something that was triggering about parents.  I replied on her post that I wish that my mum and and I had had a good relationship  but it got worse the older I got.  It still hurts that I couldn’t have the relationship I wanted with my mum.  Mothers are very important people to their children and I will never be able to understand why my mum got to the stage of hating me. I tried for so long as I wanted her to love me but nothing worked.  Everything I tried gave her more reasons to hate me.

The last few days have been very hard ones with depression worsening again.  It is hard for me to think of a reason to live on days like this. I keep going on with the hope that I will die in my sleep.  That is a terrible confession to make.  I am doing it here as I need to be honest and there is no other way I can be honest.

death

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How can anybody explain the profound feelings of pain?

The pain is real but it isn’t the same as cutting yourself accidently or tripping over or pain from surgery.  Only mothers who have been forced to surrounder a child can understand this pain.  I wish it would go away but I cannot forget what happened to me.

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Yesterday I rang one of the leaders of the lunch club to say I wouldn’t be in becase of Rick’s heart attack.  It felt like a weird day anyway as I did go to lunch club but it didn’t feel right as Sylvia wasn’t there.  Rick rang twice as he was bombarded by telephone calls.  The second time I said I would go home.  I felt guilty as it would leave the other two coping.  At least I had stayed two hours and helped with the veg and cutting up fruit.  It was also difficult to concentrate.  I appreciated people being supportive and I know if I need anything all I have to do is place a telephone call.

Before leaving I spoke to Mary and thought she was coping okay when I told her we would be picking her up as usual early evenin.  When she hugged me it felt like she wasn’t going to let go.

Rick coped with bible study and he sat instead of standing but admitted afterwards he felt he had over done.  Cliff took Mary home as his brother, John, lives near her.

Today I haven’t felt 100% which I put down to stress as much as anything.  While we were out I was feeling  lightheaded so I need to make sure I eat. I have got over the anger and n0w am dealing with being emotional,  With each day it is getting easier

 

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