living with depression

Monthly Archives: January 2016

I need to be firm with myself about posting more regularly.  The past week has felt never ending but has had it’s interesting moments.

On Monday we went out for a walk with the lady from Well-Being to get us motivated about exercise.  Walking as a way to keep fit isn’t my favourite way of doing this so it was a challenge.  Now get me in a leisure centre ……

On Wednesday we had our JCC (Joint Church Committee) meeting which I hoped wouldn’t be as long as my first one – 2 1/2 hours – but it was.  Most of it was to have updates on various church activities and finances.  At one point we were asked who would be willing to be the JCC rep. for the Trustees meeting which is only held once a year.  Nobody was keen to offer so I did and now I need to know when that is held.

When the community co-ordinator went through the day to day running of the activities he managed to get through it without many interruptions.  That was until he said that the lunch club was ticking over and nothing to report.  I ‘jumped in’, apologised for interrupting and got on my soapbox.  My main gripes were not being told ‘officially’ when the lunch club has been cancelled for a week’s break and volunteers not being allowed to cover.  There are two paid cooks and they shouldn’t really take time off at the same time but the senior one will take the same time off as the other as she doesn’t want to do extra work.

In the past the lunch club wouldn’t have a break when both cooks took holidays at the same time.  The previous community co-ordinator would organise the volunteers to cover.  This happened once after I started in the kitchen but I didn’t know until the caretaker asked if I was on holiday the following week or would I be in.  I didn’t know what was happening until then so let her know I would be in as normal.  Since the new co-ordinator has started the lunch club has been closed twice because of the paid cooks being off.  The first time I was told be one of the other volunteers.  I am glad she told me but I was very upset that neither of the cooks told me even though I realized who should have told me.  Thesecond time was this week and as I suspected what was going on I confronted the senior cook who confirmed what was happening.  Not only did I offer to come in but so did the caretaker who, like me, said who was willing to come.

I knew two of the volunteers were going to be in yesterday as the Day Club was still meeting up as usual.  They decided to do soup, sandwiches and cake.  I offered to go in and help which they appreciated as I knew what to do over preparing the soup.  The co-ordinator didn’t look at all happy that I brought all this up and felt that it wasn’t right.  I got back up from the other members as they feel the same way as me and the two volunteers who organised the food for yesterday.  Our minister didn’t look happy about what’s been going on and assured me that this would be discussed so that this didn’t happen again.  I’m just thankful that I got back up and the minister understood how we feel.  She knew I was upset the last time but hadn’t known the full extent of the story.  That will teach the co-ordinator not to be devious as his sins will catch him out.  It’s great to win a battle though ….

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This week has been a bit up and down for me.  It is partly to do with my weight which is slowly and steadily rising so as I am depressed anyway it’s making me feel even worse.  Considering how much exercise I get during the week I shouldn’t be so fat.   It’s getting harder to for me to try and eat healthily so the urge not to eat at all is getting stronger.

I’m not happy either that the lunch club isn’t on next week all because certain people are holiday.  There are enough of us to have covered the lunch club and two of us even asked if we could on separate days.   However I will be going in anyway as one of the volunteers is so annoyed that she decided sandwiches and soup can be served on Thursday.  My offer of help was accepted on the spot so that has been a positive over the last week.

At the moment it is making me look forward to our week away even more at the end of March.  I still need to fill in a form to apply to be a steward but I am determined to get that sorted over the weekend.  The break, if nothing else, will be a good rest for me.  I’m terrible for not being able to say ‘no’ to people unless I’m already doing something else.  Helping out with different things helps to take my mind off being depressed.

angels

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A well being (scheme) lady is coming round to see us for about 8 weeks as we both want to lose weight for health reasons as well wanting to keep fit.  I have a good chance of no longer being diabetic if I lose weight so that should be good motivation for but it hasn’t.  For the post 15 years I have tried losing weight and was very motivated at first as I did manage to lose about 1 1/2 stone but gradually lost motivation as I couldn’t lose anymore even though I was doing everything right.  I also have osteoarthritis which will never go away but I can slow that up by losing weight.

Having this lady in is beginning to help as she is so enthusiatic which makes me feel better in myself.  She made me smile today as I apologised (again!) for the state of the place.   Rick bought a smaller computer desk a couple of weeks ago and chose today of all days to decide to put it together.  We emptied all the drawers out and put rubbish in one black bag and used another for stuff we want to keep.  Anyway after my apologies she said she likes visiting us as it’s like a little Alladin’s cave as she spots different things each time she comes round.  She has a point as Rick has started getting plates up on the ways and I am sorting out where I want ornaments as we have some lovely ones.

This is being made easier as we bought a new unit for our television.  On each side it has glass shelves and glass doors, in the middle it has a cupboard with a shelf in it and with two drawers underneath. Even though the desk still needs moving out I am able to sort out where I want things.

 

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I feel so tired.  On Saturday we went out just to get a bit of fresh air so had a stroll round town.  In the evening about 17 of us went out for a meal for a friend’s 70th birthday.  It’s actually his birthday today but he and his wife are on a cruise for two weeks.  Anyway the meal was lovely.  I managed to wanted a finger as I had sizzling chicken which was a different plate to the rice ad salad.  The dish was on a board so I intended to move it closer to my plate but touched the dish by mistake.  It was entirely my own fault and didn’t spoil the evening.

On Sunday we were at church twice then went to Costa for the monthly meeting.  Our neighbour met us there which pleased us. The downside was that we had another late night.

On Monday I had to stay in as we were expecting the hole in the bathroom ceiling to be fixed.  It was a long day.  In the evening it was the  first T.O.M. (time out for men) meeting of the new year.  I was on kitchen duty which entailed getting food on plates as the men arrived and we had taken some food with us.  After that I just made pots of tea and hot water for coffee.  I had also put some garlic bread in the oven and when I put it on the  side I managed to burn the same finger as before.

Tuesday was one heck of a day.  I was at the lunch club in the morning which I enjoyed.  After I got home the well-being lady turned up right on time and it was productive.  We had some lunch then I took my Avon round to my friend so she could pass it on to the lady who orders it. I went straight up to the hospital to see one of the ladies who comes to both lunch clubs at my church.  She recently broke her hip and had been in Darlington Hospital then got moved to Bishop Auckland General Hospital.  It was good to see her and she was sitting in a chair.  In the evening we went to our monthly Encounter Group.  It’s been almost a year since we started it so it’s almost scary knowing we only have one more session.  I’ve enjoyed it and it’s made me realize how much I have grown in my faith.

Yesterday it was a relieve to have a quiet day.  I managed to burn my finger a third time though, this time on the iron.  I’m still feeling tired as I had lunch club this morning.  When I got home we put our new mattress on the bed – it’s got springs one half and a memory mattress the other side.  It is much more comfortable than the ‘old’ mattress.  What is so annoying is that the bed is only a year old but the mattress wasn’t good.

My mood has been generally better the last few days and for thatI am thankful.

 

Above all

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I am a Christian.

Yes that is right I do believe in God and He has always been with me even at my lowest times.  There are people who ask why I am a   Christian after everything I have been through ad I suffer with depression.  It is easy for me to say it is because God has picked me up when I have been in a dark place, felt lost, lonely, unloved and needed a friend.  He is the one I know I can yell at, let my anger and despair out, and, ask for support.  Friends can see in me what God is doing with my life and in me and they are Christians so they understand when I talk about anything.

 

Father

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Sometimes I feel like I am ‘piggy in the middle’ or better still being part of the secret service.

At my church I volunteer at two of the three lunch clubs – the third is at Shildon Methodist Church.  Several months ago one of the two paid cooks left and we have a replacement.  A couple of months ago I was asked by another volunteer if she was pregnant and I said I didn’t know.  Before long I thought the volunteer was right but didn’t say anything.  The cook told me about a month ago that she is pregnant and I was relieved as I thought she was going to say that she was leaving.

Officially I don’t know and the community co-ordinator plus one other co-ordinator in charge of the lunch club and meals on wheels obviously do know.  Over Christmas the other cook asked if I knew about the pregnancy so I was honest.  She still doesn’t know ‘officially’ but as she is married to the co-ordinator in charge of the lunch club so she told me the weeks the other cook is oof week – they are both on the payroll.

It so stupid that everybody knows about the pregnancy yet we all seem to be huddling in little corners whenever the subject comes up.  It is about the worst kept secret I’ve known for a long time and it shouldn’t be.  It’s such a stupid situation to be in and I will be relieved when everybody can openly talk about the situation.

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sad dog

Okay, yes dogs always look sad, I should know as I have had four spoilt dogs over the years.

I wonder how many people have woken up this morning feeling sad and lonely this morning.  In fact how many would actually be honest and admit it?

It’s a true statement that you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely.  I have had too many days like this over the years.  Before I was married and from the age of 20 I felt lonely every Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. Christmas Day and Boxing Day was spent with my family yet I felt disjointed from them as if I was in a bubble looking out on them being happy.  On New Year’s Eve, when I chose to be with my family we would go out for a drink then onto a family friends home for a party.  I would put on my happy mask as I was too ashamed to admit I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t enjoying myself.  I didn’t feel part of the family or a friend.  I was expected to be happy because that’s what my family wanted.

No I wasn’t happy.  No I didn’t feel part of the family.  No I didn’t want to lie and fake being happy.  Yes I was a good actor.  I was tired of being accused of being a drama queen, an attention seeker or moody.  Facing up to being severely depressed wasn’t an option.

I wanted my son with me.  I wanted to wake up on Christmas Day and open presents.  I wanted to have fun playing with him on Boxing Day.  I wanted to go to bed on New Year’s Eve knowing the next year was going to better than the last.

If my family ever read this they will probably think the same as they always do that I am selfish, only think of myself and always tried to hurt my family.  It doesn’t that I was expected to be at my sister’s beck and call as the babysitter.  Or that I took my nieces out regularly for a few years.

I was even shocked to find out when I reconnected on Facebook with an old school friend that she considered my parents strict.  But, I would do as I was told, did my homework coming before going out, got home by a set time, went for the type of jobs they wanted for me, even friends were a problem.  My first best friend at the comprehensive school I went to was from a working class family.  My mum wanted me to have middle class friends.  She came round because she knew my friend was well raised and polite.

I grew up in a predominiantly white town so it wasn’t too much of an issue until I got to my  late teens / early 20’s.  Nothing was said directly but I remember feeling uncomfortable with comments along the lines that if a non white person or family moved next door to us we would move.  I couldn’t understand why as my parents had non white friends and polite to those they didn’t know.  I have had non white friends over the years and have lived in towns where white people aren’t the majority. To me they are decent people and have the same values as we do.  Of course there are bad ethnic minority people but not all white people are decent.

End of rant and back on track.

Christmas Day I felt lonely.  That’s sad.  I know Rick loves me.  We had a good day.  We don’t have any worries.  Well.  Except for the bathroom leak.  But.  I felt lonely.  It eased by teatime as two friends were with us for a couple of hours – one is a neighbour and the other one we got to know through church.  I suppose I just miss the Christmas Days when I was young,  I felt loved by all my family and the day was always special.  Although I have always believed in God  the point of Christmas Day got lost in the ecitement.  I miss not having the Christmas Days I had as a child with my son and seeing his excitement.

Boxing Day was also a bad day emotionally.  We went to Hartlepool to have a look round the shops and anxiety hit me like a brick.  We lived in Hartlepool when I ‘found’ my son.  Even though we have been back to Hartlepool over the years we haven’t spent so much time in the town centre.  Memories of better times came flooding back so it was hard not to cry.  It is hard because I know I can’t have that time back again particularly as I can never trust my son again.  He justwanted to use me as nobody else would put up with his bad behaviour again.  It hurts.  I have a son that hates me.  I have a grandson I will never see because of his father,

Today I feel empty.  What do I have to look forward to that will make me whole again?

I put my mask on because I love my husband and cats.

I put my mask when I am at church,

I put my mask on when I do voluntary work.

What I really want to do is put a smile on because I am happy, fulfilled and feel loved.

I know I am loved by Rick.

I know friends like me.

But.

I want to be at least liked by my family.

I will never feel liked or loved by my mum as she passed on in 2011.

I know my dad cares but I am too scared to try and get close to him because of the past.

My sister tolerates me for my dad’s sake.

My nieces don’t want to know me and certainly don’t want to know the truth of my relationship with my family.

I will always be a disappointment to them.

I give up.

I shall do as I always do and hide.

Behind my mask.

aba hn

 

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Well it is officially the 1st January 2016.  Do I think it will be better than 2015?

I honestly don’t know, do I think it will be any worse?

Probably not.  I can only hope it is going to be better and at least I hae had two weeks break from volunteering.

 

dont ever

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