living with depression

Monthly Archives: February 2016

A very special friend is in hospital and the news couldn’t be worse. When we dropped her off home last Sunday she fell and knocked herself for about 2 mins so Rick rang for an ambulance. During the time we were waiting for an ambulance our friend Mary was sick twice. The medics decided to take her to hospital simply because she had been unconscious and been sick. It was just as well as it turned out Mary had had a bleed on the brain so was kept in for observation for 48 hours. On Wednesday when we picked her up we were told that it was advisable to have someone with her for a few days until there was support was in place. It was decided that Mary would go rounf to her daughter’s during the day then sleep at our home.

Thursday evening Mary fell in our garden and was sick again about 45 mins later so Rick rang for an ambulace due to what happened last Sunday. We were eventually told at the hospital she had had another bleed so she would be in for at least three days and most likely for a week when she would have another scan. Yesterday Mary seemed cheerful enough.

This morning within minutes of being with Mary she had a seizure and Rick had to get a nurse as nobody responded to the buzzer. I stayed with her as Iwas worried she would fall off the chair and hit her head again. It turned out there was a problem with the buzzer.

Mary seemed okay so when Rick got back with her daughter plus her brother turned up with a friend. We left them to it but about 10 – 15 mins later Mary’s brother rang to let us know Mary was having a seizure. Rick managed to get the doctor to one side and asked if Mary would be fit enough to go on holiday with us. The doctor told him no and that Mary was weak as her heart had stopped. There is nothing more they can do and it could be as quick as a few hours or it could a matter of days.

Mary has become part of our family and its hard to be living with the knowledge she is dying. We all agreed not to tell Mary as she has learning difficulties so she wont fully understand.

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…. to waste it but I am suffering the opposite problem of not getting enough rest.  I am completely exhausted at the moment and won’t get a ‘me’ day until Wednesday.

Yesterday was a long day as we had our last Encounter session.  It is amazing how quickly the past year has  flown by.  I have changed which has included becoming more confident and finding it easier to speak out about what is important to me.  We have one more session which is the commissioning one and I don’t have a clue what will be happening that evening.

Over about the past month I have heard about five deaths.  Two are people I don’t know, one lady called Iris who went to the Shildon Methodist Church lunch club and another lady called Eileen who was one of the founders of Woodhouse Close Church.   The saddest death has been a two day old baby.  The mother is a paid member of staff at the church and she must be absolutely devasted.  She and her partner have another child but that doesn’t make it any easier as they need to think about her as well as dealing with their grief.  I have written a poem so I am hoping she won’t be too upset by it.

It is at times like this I am thankful that I believe in God as it is a comfort and a source of strength.  This quote from Luke 18:16 Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.” sums it up about children.

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Life is a challenge for me at the moment as I am still severely depressed.  Keeping busy isn’t working any more so the mask ‘goes on’ when I go out and ‘comes off’ when I’m at home.  I don’t have anybody to talk to about how I am feeling as the one person whom I should be able to talk to wont talk.  My feelings of sadness and pain are profound so that makes talking even harder.

Rick received a belated birthday card from my sister and brother in law today with a brief note in reference to my Dad.  He has had his health problems over the years yet he has had the strength to carry on.  Last year my Dad was told that he had a mass – he got through stomach cancer 16 / 17 years – and was given the choice over being operated on.  My Dad chose not to have sugery as he has had a good life, he is 86 years old and if he was operated on there was the risk he might die on the operating table.  I have respected my Dad’s choice even though he might have cancer again as he deserves to make his own choices.  However my Dad has been in hospital again due to a leaky heart valve.  My sister, in her wisdom, decided I didn’t deserve to know this information.

This is the story of my life that I am deemed irrelevant when it comes to important information.  I am so tired and hurt that I am still being treated like a pariah.  As my family refuse to accept that they are far more responsible for me keeping my distance I can’t have a normal relationship with them.

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