living with depression

Monthly Archives: April 2016

We went on a last minute break for four nights last week to Ayr in Scotland to cheer ourselves as much as anything else.  It was lovely and the weather was very good for us although that wouldn’t have stopped us going anyway.  Each day was perfect and we want to go back again as there is so much we want to see.  On Thursday we went to Arran and drove round the island although we didn’t stop at all of the villages.  One of our stops was at the distillery so we could go to the gift shop.  The prices went up to about £74 for some of the bottles of whiskey so our fingers ‘got burnt’.  I did buy a bottle of Robert Burns single malt and a Whiskey cream liquer.  Both are for special occasions.  We came home happy and relaxed, ready to get back to our normal routine which it did until yesterday.

Our so called friend’s daughter has been telling lies about both of us although the lies about Rick were far worse.  It has left us both angry, hurt and upset.  I am also devastated that someone that we have been kind to has told such vicious, disgusting lies although we suspect she is just kicking out at us because we wont take her mum to see her.  Our priority was always our friend so getting the daughter to the hospital was for her benefit, not her dsughter.  The problem is that even though the family is ‘known’ for being trouble and we have proved she has lied it still has to be looked into.  I wish I could understand why this is happening to us but we haven’t done anything wrong other than put our lives on hold for eight weeks for the family.

Over the past few years I have become better at trusting people and it is the local Methodist Circuit I thank for that as my confidence has been much better as well as my self esteem.  This woman has completely destroyed all of that due to her lies so I hope she is satisfied with herself for being so cruel.  Just because she has mental health issues doesn’t mean she should be allowed to get away with lying about other people.  Sadly all the family seem to lie even though they have been caught out.

I was doing well at keeping my severe depression under control but she has ruined that.  Now I’m back to square one and fighting suicidal thoughts which isn’t fair.  I am very scared that I won’t be able to cope and do myself some very serious home.

ferry

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…. then why do I still feel sad?

Our friend went home on Wednesday and for six weeks she will be having carers in three or four times a day.  That’s if she lasts that long without telling her social worker she doesn’t want any help.  Apparently this has happened before so we will see what happens.

The last time we saw her daughter was last Sunday and haven’t had any contact since but that suits us.  Rick finally had enough of the dramas of this family when he rang up our friend’s brother on Tuesday evening and found out the daughter had decided to walk home from the hospital.  She was unkind enough to use her uncle by saying she wanted to go to the vending machine in reception and he would go with her.  He is a gentle man so it was horrible using him.  Rick did the sensible thing and rang the ward.  She was found and taken back to the ward and now doesn’t want contact with her uncle.  On Wednesday Rick got some strange texts from her eldest daughter so blocked that number and her number.  He and I have talked about the situation and has agreed that we should have pulled back weeks ago like I had suggested.

I’m at my happiest when stroking my rabbits.  They are getting used to being picked up now and are getting more defined personalities.  Cagney is definitely the more gentle, cuddly one who is funny when she decides to start lick me as she is so gentle.  Lacey is lively and licks as well and both nibble which is also funny.  They are accepting food when we give it to them when we have them out.  We have ordered a new hutch which stands on a run with a ramp from the hutch.  It is being delivered on Monday along with a thermal sheet and cover.  I have been shocked by how willing Rick has been to spend money on them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Since being back from our holiday I have been feeling stressed again.  It has been good to see our friend improve and be back to her old self again although eating well has probably helped.  Getting her to church on Sunday morning was fantastic and seeing everybody go to her made my day.  One thing puzzled us was finding out she could be going home on Wednesday so we got to the bottom off it when we took her back to the ward.  All the way through it’s been on our friend’s notes right from the start that we were to be included in discussions as she and her family all have special needs.  She, in particular, needs everything explained simply otherwise she doesn’t understand.  Her daughter and grandchildren understand but sometimes they do ask questions which we are happy to answer even if it means getting a member of staff to explain.

With our friend’s first social worker she realized fairly quickly that our friend thinks a lot of us so was willing to talk to us.  She knew we have our friend’s best interests a top priority so said we would be included in a meeting before our friend goes home.  Unfortunately this didn’t happen as there has been a change of social worker who, in his wisdom, thought it was okay to discuss the care plan with our friend.  The ward sister believed that our friend has understood and there was no need for us to be there but found out very quickly that this isn’t the case.  Rick asked our friend what the care plan is in front of the sister and she said “I don’t know,” as she doesn’t remember.

Rick brought up issues and I raised my concern that our friend wouldn’t eat properly, then explained about rotten food and out of date food being chucked out by her daughter.  I also mentioned that I had to bin rotten food as well and would need to go through our friend’s cupboards and fridge when she got home.  The ward sister understood then that we know what we are talking about, our friend will need extra support and she said she would talk to the social worker with the points we have raised.

On a lighter note we have got two baby rabbits which we bought on Saturday morning.  They are sisters and we saw the parents who are beautiful, I have called them Cagney and Lacy.  They are solely my responsibility.  That doesn’t bother me as I’m the one who feeds the cats and fed the dogs despite the agreement when we got our first kitten and puppy that the dog was Rick’s responsibility.  Our first dog decided I was the one who fed him so if Rick put down food for him I would have to tell him to go and eat it.  Rick’s mum always laughed about it and would comment that if she hadn’t seen it for herself she wouldn’t have believed it.  One night Rick took Bouncer to his mother’s one night and he wouldn’t eat the food that was put down so Rick rang me and I told Bouncer to eat his food.  When Bouncer heard my voice he went to the kitchen and ate.

The rabbits are very cuddly and love snuggling into us so it has been easy to get attached.

Rick and Cagney Philippa and Lacey

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I feel guilty for thinking about myself, for wanting support, wanting time out and not having someone I can talk to.  It’s bad enough feeling selfish and even worse to put it in black and white.  The black dog is back with a vengeance and I can’t talk about yet I am trying to persuade someone to talk about why they don’t want to live.  I haven’t ‘really’ known this person for very long but I can’t force myself myself to step back.

Since Saturday my mood has gone from being very happy as I had enjoyed our holiday to being tearful.  Being away from home meant nobody would disturb us unless it was an emergency which I appreciated.  It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and gave me back the emotional strength to keep me going.

Since Saturday we have been asked to do various things yet a social worker should be taking the weight of us and letting us do what we are best at and that’s giving support.  Rick and I do know the struggles of depression for different reasons and with different types of depression.  I openly admit I am an expert in denial as I lived with it for so many years.  Okay when it first started I didn’t even know I suffered with depression.

I couldn’t explain why I felt the way I did.

I didn’t understand my feelings were normal for someone with depression.

I was ashamed for feeling this way.

I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal for a parent to treat their child badly emotionally or verbally.

I was embarrassed.

But I have always cared about other people.  It pains me to see anybody hurt or upset.  I have always wanted to help.  My Mum would be frustrated with me as I was always there for my friends yet they weren’t always there for me.  She couldn’t verbally knock it out of me … it is a natural instinct for me to want to help people.  I have learnt over the years that I can’t heal the world.  Not everybody wants to be healed.  I have been used and abused at times yet it hasn’t stopped me wanting to help other people.

I know what it is like not wanting to continue living.

I know what it like to feel worthless.

That I won’t be missed.

Nobody cares.

Everybody close to me is better off without me.

But that is in my head and the Lord has held me through the bad times as it’s not my time.  So I put my happy mask on each day when my mood is low.  I can’t bring myself to ask for help.  Other people’s needs are more important than mine.  I simply feel selfish for wanting to cry out for help.  I have my health.  A roof over my head.  A husband who loves me.  Our bills get paid.  I love my cats.  I have friends.  I have nothing to feel depressed about but I am depressed so what happens now?

What about me?

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I am having a tough time keeping check on how I am feeling.  Over the weekend we didn’t feel like we were ever going to get a break.  Our friend is definitely on the mend but she is worrying over her daughter which is a concern.  We can’t do anything to make her happier as it is natural for a mother to worry about her child.  The daughter is in a worse state now as she is refusing to drink now.  She is determined she will die hence the food and fluid strike.  I am wondering what it will take for social services to pull their fingers and actually help our friend and family.  Her grandson isn’t helping matters and knows he is getting his own way.

The attitude from the social worker isn’t great either.  I feel like she is expecting us to do all the hard work and for her t0 get the credit.  It’s not that I mind helping out people or wanting praise (I don’t) but our friend’s social worker is paid to help her yet doesn’t seem to care enough to offer to help us.  This was the whole point of our friend being assigned a social worker to help Mary.

I am feeling drained and just want to visit her yet it is making me feel fed up that we can’t relax and visit her.

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Last week we went to Skegness for a week and it was a much needed holiday.  Friends at one of the churches we go to own the caravan we stayed in so knew it would be nice.  We were surprised to see the caravan has four bedrooms, two doubles and two singles.  The toilet with hand basin were separate to the shower which also had a hand basin.

The one sadness was our friend couldn’t be with us.  Her friend had a good time with us though and it was a real break for her.  It was lovely just to have a week’s break away from everything.  I know I had a good rest as the week went too quickly and I slept well except for the first night as I was overtired and last night.

We got home with a thud as we went to visit our friend with our / her friend before getting home.  She was happy to see us and happy to have presents.  One was a Christian poem which I read to her and can be put up on the wall, and, two soft toys – one is a lamb, the other a meercat.

While we there her brother rang and our friend passed the phone to Rick.  He was asked if we could get a phone charger to our friend’s daughter so Rick said we could do that but asked him to allow us about one hour to one and hour 1/2 hours to drop the friend off and get our stuff home.  I wanted a shower anyway.  To cut a long story short they weren’t at the hospital when we got there so we left the charger with a nursae then when went food shopping with our neighbour who had gone along for the ride and do shopping.

After we got home and had started relaxing our friend rang up to say we had left her brother stranded so Rick told her what had happened but said we would go and collect him – he doesn’t drive and believed he had missed his last bus home.  Anyway it got sorted and we are picking him up tomorrow to visit his neice.

 

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