living with depression

Monthly Archives: May 2016

For weeks now I have been severely depressed, suicidal but managing not to self harm.  I am getting very snappy simply beause I’m so depressed.  When I see friends my smiling mask is on my face and simply telling that I am having good days and bad days.  If they knew the truth they would be very worried about me which I don’t want as they have enough on their plates.

Last week we heard very sad news.  An aquaintance suffered burns due to his house being on fire and his dog died from smoke inhalation.  We don’t know if he knows his dog died and he is in an induced coma at the Newcastle Hospital intensive care.  A good friend is giving us information when she gets it – Rick had let her know as she does help this person.  Nobody can visit at the moment and we are worried about his mental health when he is awake.  It was awful seeing him pain when he had have his other dog put to sleep on the grounds of being ill, suffering and being old.  He knew it was the right decision.  I’m glad it was us who were with him as we understand exactly how he felt.  I enjoy the freedom we have but I still miss all of our dogs as they knew our moods and how to help us feel better.

I just want to get out of this very dark place.  My appetite is bad and I am eating all the things I shouldn’t.  We did some shopping earlier and I bought food that is good for me.

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shine

I have tried so hard over the past week to post again but couldn’t find the words to write.  The person who has hurt me has used Rick as the target and has hurt him even worse.  What this person has done is disgusting and could have destroyed both of us.  I should forgive this person but I can’t at the moment as it’s still too raw and more to the point I don’t want to.  One day I will.  Right now I can’t.

I have retreated as far as I can into my shell.

I feel dirty.

Violated.

Disgusted.

Angry.

I don’t want to trust anybody any more.

I can’t verbally explain the pain I feel.

I am angry to the point of wanting to explode.

I want to cry.

I am going through the motions.

My life is a living hell.

But.

I am thankful for friends I know I can trust when I am ready to live again.  My faith is giving me something to grip onto but I am scared that I will let go as I’m so tired.

All was going well for us.

We have enjoyed our daily life.

Life had a meaning.

I was happy keeping busy and spending time with people I like and respect.

Rick has enjoyed what has been doing, still doing in part.

All it took to destroy our happiness was one person’s vicious words.  We are the victims with Rick being the main victim which hurts even more as I can’t make him feel better.  I can’t put the world to rights for him.  Where is the justice for him?

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