living with depression

Monthly Archives: June 2016

My mood has generally been better although it has been worsening during the day.  It doesn’t help having a ‘back seat driver’ when I’m driving which infuriates me.  I’m also having to deal with having a few nights of sleeping well then a few of bad nights sleep.

Over thw weekend I decided I would go back to one of the lunch clubs as I have been missing it.  Today was my first day back and it felt as if I hadn’t been away.  It’s just a shame a certain person who should have been a source of support for me over the past couple of months hasn’t.  I probably wouldn’t have had any time away from it but at least I am back for one day a week as I still help out at the Friday lunch club.

I am still having my membership moved though.  It’s one thing going back to help out but another to be committed to it by being a member.  I care about the people there and those that are members of the lunch club but by not being a member of the church I won’t be caught up with the politics of the church.

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Living in a small town surrounded by countryside means we have plenty of country lanes / roads that aren’t straight and it’s hilly here.  I have got used to driving along these roads and I have missed my vocation of being a rally driver.  Rick doesm’t like the speed I drive at sometimes but as I point out I drive within the speed limit.  He isn’t driving at the moment so I live with a backseat driver.

My mood is better than it has been for several months although I still have too many bad days.  Anxiety is still a problem usually when I’m tired or have had a long day.  However I have had some news that has cheered me up.  Rick and I applied to go on an intensive Family Ministry course next January at Cliff College which is near Sheffield and I have been accepted onto the course.  It means staying there for that week so accommodation and meals will be included.  Rick is still waiting to see if he has been accepted as he put in his application after me.  We had wanted to do the course this year but it was short notice to get funding.  We pay a third of the cost of the course, our circuit (of the Methodist Church) pay a third and the district pays a third.

I am looking forward to the course and I never expected I would be doing a college course when I’m 55 years old. It’s a good qualification to get and can be put to use with the church as we want to get the local community in the church for all sorts of reasons not just fetes.

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Yesterday we had our second table top sale at the Valley Methodist Church.  Despite the weather people did come along and we made more more than the last one.  The money donated to the church – tables @ £6 plus donations – went up from last month so that was a success as we have proved again it is worth the effort.

We have been feeding Angel (the cat) all week and making sure she has fresh water down each day.  As we knew her kittens are getting bigger we decided to get them to safety.  The shed isn’t the safest place to be for them so our friend, Lyn, helped us after the table top sale.  First we tried getting Angel into the pet carrier but she wasn’t having any of it which included scratching my hands to pieces.  The next line of attack was to empty out the shed and I was given the ‘wonderful’ job of catching the kittens.  They are beautiful and much easier to get into the pet carrier even they were scared.  The hardest bit was trying to get hold of them as they little wrigglers.  One is black with a little bit of white and the other is a grey tabby like Angel except for having white paws.  Lyn and Rick took them to Kays Hill Animal Sanctuary as we decided to try to catch Angel today.  I went into town as we can’t find my laptop charger and the one we bought last Tuesday isn’t any good for the laptop.  Even though the right charger is £2 more the shop assistant was given permission to do a straight swap.

This morning we met Lyn at the church as we all needed to pack up our unsold goods anyway but also to try and catch Angel.  Again I was nominated to catch ‘even if meant a hospital visit’.  It was actually much easier to catch Angel than we thoguht.  I put food down and Angel came along as she was hungry so I was able to grab her.  Angel didn’t struggle and didn’t put up much of a battle being put in the pet carrier.  She is now happily reunited with her babies – a very happy outcome for all of them.

Angel and her babies have certainly helped me get through the week.  My mood is better than it has been of late but I am still getting anxious if I’m out for a long time.  It’s something that I am trying to deal with so I am trying to keep my mind occupied when I am out.

yeah

 

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I am still struggling with depression although I am beginning to have good days. Anxiety is still a problem for me so I really struggle when we have a long day.  I am also struggling with sleep which doesn’t help so I am constantly tired.

Yesterday was one of my better days.  We went to Bishop Auckland Methodist Church in the morning for a change and we know some of the members there.  I had to smile at one point as a lady asked us if we were visiting.  She got a ‘No’ and that we are members of the circuit.  After six years of living in the north east we still aren’t losing our southern accents.

In the afternoon it was lovely to have lunch in the garden then read.  It’s been a long while since I have done that.  The weather hasn’t been particularly good this year which hasn’t helped.

I was at the unit today and Rick went to the Valley Methodist Church with a friend as they do this every Monday morning.  It is an opportunity for men to go there for a cup of coffee or tea and a roll.  The chapel is also opened for quiet time.  When Rick got to the unit he told me about a cat that has had kittens, and, they are in the shed.  We took some cat food to the chapel this afternoon.  The cat was starving and went through two pouches of cat food.  We have left water and milk down for her and will make an effort to go and feed her.  I haven’t seen the kittens but if the mother is anything to go by they will be pretty.  She is friendly enough although a bit timid.  I will always love animals.

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It is so hard being a person who suffers with depression let alone long term, undiagnosed depression.  As I posted before I didn’t know I suffered with depression in my teens.  I didn’t know my family life wasn’t ‘normal’.  I didn’t know that my mother’s behaviour towards me wasn’t right.  I believed that family problems were swept under the carpet and that it was important to keep up appearances.

Years later I started joking that the ‘Bucket woman’ from Keeping Up Appearances was based on my mother.  She had her telephone voice and if it was someone she knew her voice would change depending on who it was.  It sounds cruel but it isn’t meant to be.  I loved my mum despite everything.  We were too much alike although my mum probably would have denied it.  We both had strong morals, we both believed in honesty, we were both protective of the family, and, we both had tempers.  But when we had our say that was it.

Despite my anger over the years due to my mother’s behaviour towards me she was still my mother.  All I wanted was to be close but stubborness got in the way.  My mother was also stubborn.  Did she ever love me?

I don’t know.  The child in me hopes my mum did.  I will always hurt that I will never know.  She claimed to be a Christian but her actions weren’t always a reflection of that.

One thing that has played on my mind for many years on and off is the baby ‘bracelets’ that are put on babies wrists after birth.  On my one the year is wrong as I was born in 1961 but on the ‘bracelet’ the year is 1960.  I remember a conversation many years ago with my Dad as he found out I knew the wrong year of birth was on it and he simply said it was a mistake.  How can a nurse make that mistake in November?

I could have believed it if I had been born in January.

I am tired due to not taking all of my medication since Wednesday, and, not sleeping very well so will try to continue tomorrow.

 

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