living with depression

Monthly Archives: July 2016

…. after being in Keswick and now in Newport.  There is an annual Christian conference over three weeks and we would normally just be there for one day.  It was good to have more time there and to have a better look round the town in bettween sessions.  One of the afternoons we decided to have a doze as we were so exhausted which became a couple of hours sleep.  We must have needed it, particularly me as I don’t usually have a sleep during the day.

We are now helping a friend as he wanted to move to be closer to us as we have been his support since late 2012 / early 2013.  A number of years ago we set up a depression forums (http://www.depressionforums.co.uk) and he joined after his fiancee died of cancer in 2012.  Rick has talked to him daily for a long time as we have been concerned about his depression / not wanting to live.

A few weeks ago he said he wanted to move to the same town as us as itwould be much easier for us giving him support and him being less ‘isolated’.  The part of the city he lives has a depressing feeling and yet his neighbours are nice and like him.  Anyway we got him in touch with our housing association as we knew of four empty properties right on top of us, we also gave in a supporting letter to state that we are his support.  Our friend has been offered a bungalow opposite ours.  There is a road separating our back gardens and is specifically for resident parking.  I was dreading having to go in and helping clean up as well as helping packing.  It’s been hard work physically yet we have found it okay for motivating our friend.

Tomorrow is the ‘big move’ day for him so he and Rick are leaving early so our friend can sign up for his tenancy and collect the keys.  I will be helping ‘supervising’ the packing up of the van, doing a final check round then will be living in my car and the van will already be on it’s way.  I am looking forward to seeing all four furbabies and getting back to my bed.

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My latest daily struggle has been with anxiety as well as still having to deal with my mood being and down.  Chuck tiredness into the mix and it doesn’t work on the short term let alone long term.

Today has been one of those horrible long days so it has been difficult to keep hold of my temper.  I had to take the car for it’s second service this morning as I wanted that done before we go to Keswick next week.  We got to Darlington at 10.15 am and were told it would take about an hour and a half.  Lyn came along for the ride so we took a walk to Bookers and bought some stuff which we left it there as it was heavy.  We also popped into a pet supplies shop as we were passing.  When we got back to the showroom we were told that Motability had taken a long time to approve the service which we thought was odd as Motability cars have to been serviced every year.  Instead we waited over on hour.  That didn’t go down well as we were all hot and tired.  We had also gone into the auction to see if it was worth going this evening.

By the time we got home it was about 3.15 pm.  A card had been shoved through the back door from Royal Mail so Rick and I went to the post office to pick up the parcel.  By this time I wasn’t in any mood to cook a meal so we went to Morrison’s for lunch.  From there we went to the auction and Lyn met us there.  It was just as well as we bought too much to get into Rick’s car.

I am sitting here at 12 minutes past midnight and feel absolutely exhausted.

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I am sitting here feeling tired as always, it’s late yet I have no desire to go to bed.  For once, the first time in my 54 years, that I am being completely honest that I struggle with the desire to sleep.  I am tired yet I feel hyper and I know that when I go to  bed I will fight the desire to go to sleep.  It doesn’t help that Rick insists on having the television on and that keeps me awake even with the volume down due to the light coming from the television.  Even reading before going to bed doesn’t help.  If I read in bed it would help but Rick doesn’t like me having a light on including a bedside light.

Today has been a good day.

I spent time at the unit.

It was pleasurable.

Lyn came in for a chat and we had a change of plans.

Last week we and Rick decided to go to a boot sale today as we had forgotten Rick was going out on a T.O.M. (time out for men) trip.  Since then we remembered so the plan was for Lyn and I go out as planned anyway.  I did say to Rick that an option was for us to meet him at Roker as that was where the men were ending up for a meal before going home.  I planned to text Lyn this morning to suggest we went straight to Roker but she turned up at the unit before I got a chance to.  She was quite happy with the change of plan as the weather hasn’t been great.

I was happy with the change of plans even though I had been looking forward to going to the boot sale.  It meant me closing up the unit earlier than intended which wasn’t an issue.  Lyn and I took ourselves off at about 11.40 am and had a leisurely drive to Roker.  I have only been there twice, the first time was on a friends in fellowship trip, the second was a trip with Rick.  Today was my first time driving there and I did well.  I didn’t use the satnav, Lyn only piped up omce which I appreciated and I basically ‘folowed my nose’.

I was tired when we got home and a normal person would have had a doze or gone to bed for a sleep for an hour.

Not me.

I haven’t slept.

I haven’t dozed.

I am sitting here wondering what I need to do to just go to bed and sleep.

How I envy people who can go to bed and sleep quickly.

Why can’t people (in general) understand why people like me can’t function normally?

Why do I have to justify the way I am?

Why can’t I be accepted for who I am?

Why do I have to explain to people including those I call friends why I can’t function like a ‘normal’ person?

It is a battle I deal with on a daily basis and I am proud of myself for having the courage to be honest with a couple of people recently.

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Sunday morning Rick and I had a heated discussion on whether I had cleaned out the rabbits run or not on Saturday afternoon.  I was in the bathroom at the time so told him to go and ask Lyn if I had.  He wouldn’t give it a rest about the amount of hay in the run so eventually I told Rick to take it up with the rabbits.  Lyn and I laughed about it on the way up to Seaham.

The night before  we had been to an Elvis Tribute night at the Durham Ox in Coundon with her friends Denise and Angela.  It was a very enjoyable night out, the pub has a friendly atmosphere and the young man was very good.  He is a Romanian called Eddy Popescu and the first time he heard an Elvis song was when he was 16 – he’s about 30 now.  Eddy looks very much like a young Elvis and sounds like him … the best Elvis tribute I have ever heard.

Yesterday there was a sad funeral for a 6 year old boy who died of cancer.  His parents and some of the mourners were dressed as super heroes, and, a group of boys were dressed as storm troopers.  The rear of the procession was a group of bikers.  Friends who were at the funeral (we didn’t know the boy or his family) said it was very emotional as well as a lovely service.  No funeral is pleasant but it seems that every effort to make it a memorable day.

Last night I went along to the friends in fellowship monthly meeting.  It was a good evening and we had a cream tea so we all suffered with a sugar rush.  It was a lovely treat for a few of us as we are diabetics.

I am still having bad days but they are getting easier.  Most of the time I am feeling tired but when I go to bed I struggle to get to sleep then have a restless night.

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