Monthly Archives: September 2016
For several months life has been difficult emotionally, to be polite, for us. From my point of view I have been supportive of Rick as he has been the real victim but the situation has taken its toll on me as the ripple effect has affected me as well. He hasn’t had the support he needs as the people he trusts have been busy / been away quite a bit. I, on the other hand, have had more support as I have people I could email or ring. The but has been that for far too many years I was expected not to talk about anything that was considered ‘private’ to non family members. The long term effect of that has been that I cannot formulate a way to express how I feel when in distress.
The long term effect on me has been that I put on my mask back on permantly. It is easier for me to act as if all is well with the world and try to deal with what’s hurting me on my own. In a way I have come full circle with suffering with depression. When I first started suffering with depression I was young and didn’t really understand that I was depressed. It was easier to believe that I was moody and had no reason to be unhappy. For too many years I was also in denial, kept a wall up and put on a happy-go-lucky front. Now it is hard work….
Recently my mood has been up and down but in the past two days it has been in a downward spiral. I know what the trigger was on Thursday. The mother of the person who came close to completely wrecking our lives was back at the lunch club. Apparantly she was back two weeks ago but I wasn’t. Last week was a week off so I didn’t know until yesterday.
I was asked to help with serving the main course which when I found out the woman was back. It was a shock and made me feel very uncomfortable so when I got back to the kitchen I told the others why I didn’t to go back into the hall. They don’t know the full story or how serious the situation got so it is difficult to explain why I don’t want to talk to the woman. All I can do is see how it goes each week before deciding what to do long term.This is one of the problems with suffering with depression when a trigger happens.