living with depression

Monthly Archives: January 2017

We are doing a week long Family Ministry course at Cliff College which is an experience in itself.  It’s been a bit different than I expected but well worth doing although the “fun” part will be doing an assignment which will be marked to get a certificate.  It’s many years since I have done this type of exam so it will be interesting to see how long it takes me to do as I have to write 3000 words.

On a different note I’ve been so occupied with the lectures that it’s taken my mind off depression.  I was getting down with all the voluntary work I was doing as I wasn’t getting a rest.  Up until now I have been enjoying the work but the last two weeks before the course were exhausting.

If I pass it will be a huge milestone for me as it is a bit daunting all the information that’s been chucked at us.

 

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My mood was improving but this past week it has gone from bad to worse.  I have been overdoing it with the voluntary work which hasn’t helped by a certain volunteer who hasn’t been doing as she has been asked.  To top it all there was no sign off her on Thursday when she should have been picked up and on Friday we found out she had decided to quit.

Wednesday was a long day as we were given donations from a house and then the following two days were busy for me as I was trying to make space downstairs.   I really did need the help so I was exhausted by Friday night.  A friend did come in Friday afternoon to help me for a couple of hours.  She is a lovely lady and whilst she was a great help she didn’t stop talking.  I smiled and put up with it simply because she was actually helping.

Yesterday I had a mini meltdown and couldn’t bear to go into the shop.  Rick and Stewart went in which was a blessed relief for me as I was able to have complete rest for a couple of hours then started tidying at home.  Even then I could have laid in bed all day which is something I haven’t done for many years.

I have also been feeling very sorry for myself and thinking about when I was still living with my parents.  For a long time I couldn’t bear thinking about the past and concentrated on the ‘here and now’.  Over the past week I have been thinking more of the better parts of my life growing up and I do miss those times.  I am having to stop myself from dwelling too much on sadder parts of my life and the mistakes I’ve made.  Too many times I’ve dwelled too long on how I have failed in my life instead of making the most of what I do have.   All I want is a quiet life and enjoy the holidays we have which I do.  I have friends which helps and doing things I haven’t done for a long time such as knitting.

 

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Emotionally I have had a bad start to the year and I am finding it hard to ‘snap out’ of it.  The stress from last year hasn’t had it’s conclusion which hasn’t helped my mood plus my own worries have added to this.  If I had the energy I would lose the will to live but I am always tired and struggle to motivate myself to do anything.  There is plenty for me to do at home plus even more for me to do at the shop I vo;unteer at.  A thorn in our sides is back to wanting to speak to us every day about his website so I have been given the ‘job’ of liaising with him.  I don’t to deal with him in particular so I will only do this for so long.

On top of everything else we have been meeting up with another couple with the view of starting up a new church.  In principle it is a good idea, the snag is the husband.  He is very controlling of his wife who is a lovely lady as he believes husbands are the head of the household and have the control over everything.   This man is probably using a few quotes from the bible to escuse himself to his wife such as the following:

1 Timothy 2:11-15 ESV – 11 Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve; 14 and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. 15 Yet she will be saved through childbearing if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

Ephesians 5:22 ESV – 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

1 Timothy 2:12 ESV – 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.

He certainly doesn’t approve of me being an equal partner in our marriage and believes that eventually we will ‘pay’ for our mistakes (sin?).  We don’t agree as our lives have been made better because of our choices.  Whilst the bible is as relevent today as when it was written the world is a different place to what it was 2,000 years ago.  He is definitely taking the bible too literally.

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It isn’t exactly a happy start to the new year.  We, particularly Rick, are still suffering because of a mentally ill person – this is the truth ao I’m not being nasty.  This person seems oblivious to the damage done and probably doesn’t care anyway.

I am also suffering because of an accident despite getting a payout from my insurance company.  It didn’t cause physical health problems, it has caused my depression to worsen and I have lost the will to battle back.  There are other issues going on as well such as my health such as constantly being tired which is to do with anaemia, over doing things and not getting enough sleep.

Osteoarthritis is another problem as I am constantly in pain.  I still carry on anyway but it is slowing me up and I hate asking for help due to be independent.  It frustrates the heck out of me and I hate feeling like I am wallowing in self pity.  All I want to do is be able to make the shop a success and I feel like I am getting there for how I want it to look.  Having volunteers who are ‘getting’ the look I want helps.

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