living with depression

Monthly Archives: May 2017

When our last dog, Bruno, died two years ago we both agreed we wouldn’t have any more dogs. We had ahd dogs throughout our marriage which was over 21 years so we knew we needed a break and we had a well deserved break. Rick started saying several months ago he wanted a lap dog in our retirement years but I kept saying ‘No.’

Recently I started to soften and started to look online and I guessed that Rick was doing the same. Last Wednesday Rick showed me some pictures on the Newcastle Dog & Cat Shelter then rang the shelter to find out more information. We went to the shelter with some I.D. and found out that our first choice, two dogs in need of rehoming, had gone two days previously so went to see what dogs were in the kennels. All the dogs were beautiful including an eleven week old puppy however we saw Cassie, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, whose picture was also on the website. I just knew there was something about her although I wanted to be sure yet instinctively we both knew she was the dog for us. We went back to the office, filled out a form, told we would need to show our tenancy agreementand were told we could have some time with Cassie. That did it for both of us as she is such a happy, playful dog. We both took turns in walking Cassie round the enclosure after playing with her. It made me smile when I had Cassie and I stopped for a moment as Cassie stopped as well then looked at me. I fell in love with her at that moment.

We went to the office and told the staff we wanted her and would get back to the office either that evening or first Thursday morning. Thankfully we were able to get back there Wednesday evening, filled out more forms and the tenancy agreement was good enough as it shows we can have two dogs without getting permission. One little dog was very happy to come with us.

Cassie has been the best medicine for me as by Thursday morning I was feeling so much better. I have been so severely depressed it has been something of a miracle that I haven’t done anything to make myself feel worse physically. Pets do help people feel better about themself and I am so thankful we have her as Cassie makes me feel loved and I love her so much.

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Is there such a thing as normality?

I suppose for me life is back on track. So much has happened in the past year for both of us life can never be quite the same again so all we can do is move forward. Recent weeks have been horrible for us and yet we have been the victims who have been caught up in the crossfire of our tenant and her now ex-boyfriend. We are now hoping that life will just calm down.

Plans for having a junior bible study are up in the air. We wanted to start it on the first Thursday of June but now our (superintendent) minister wants it to start on the first Thursday of July. He wants to be involved to see how it goes but my nose is a bit out of joint as I should have been involved in this conversation but I had to hear it from Rick. I was the first one to suggest a junior bible study and it was agreed I started it but now another person wants to be involved. Our minister wants her to be D.B.S. checked before the junior bible study starts. I am already worried about her being a loose cannon as she never listens to anybody and as I’m the one leading she needs to be put in her place before we start.

She is already starting on about Messy Church and Rick has already told her that I know about it, have done the training and been part of Messy Church. I know she needs to be reined in and have told the senior steward that. At the moment we, as a church, need to concentrate on the junior bible study first and there is also the question of resources. On top of that I would probably be expected to be in charge of that as well and I have enough on my plate without adding to it.

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Today I am at crisis point and the only way forward for me is to chuck the towel in and withdraw into myself. Too much has been going on in the past few weeks without what’s been going on for over the past year on a personal level. Add to the mix that we are the real victims who have been caught up in the crossfire of two people.

I also feel very let down by a certain person within our (Methodist) circuit. For some time Rick and I have been keen to encourage parents and children to have a ‘drop in’ tme at the church once a week. Due to the local children / youth coming in on bible study which is held once a week I suggested a youth bible study once a week. Rick has been behind me 100% as he believes it’a a good idea. Yesterday we found out that the youth bible study is being put on hold for about six weeks for a variety of reasons but it’s destroyed me. I should have been part of the discussion as it has already been decided that I will be ‘in charge’ and have help. Now I feel like I’m not being trusted, being undermined and not good enough to be in charge.

I have been through too many years of not having any confidence and low self esteem, now I feel that a certain person doing the same. Tonight was too much. I have struggled at times at bible study due to a lack of respect from one person but tonight there were three of them at it. The final straw came when some of the children came in – both Rick and I were quite happy for them to be there provided they behaved. The children know the score but no this wasn’t allowed, the other three thought it was acceptable to drop what we were doing to accomodate the children.

I was quite honest after the children left that I was upset by what had happened and that we should have continued with what we were studying. Rick backed me up yet it didn’t stop the others telling me I was wrong despite the agreement that it was an adult bible study. Two tried to pry me to open up but my trust issues have gone through the ceiling so I refused to go into any detail.

I am so scared of what I will do to myself and yet I have tried to tell others including Rick. I can’t cry out for help any more as it’s falling on deaf ears.

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Somehow we managed to enjoy our week away at Embo in Scotland considering what we had been through. It was great being able to look at the sea when we were in the caravan as it was that close. Having a ferry ride on Loch Ness was definitely one of the highlights of the week as the history is interesting, it’s beautiful there and we were able to relax.

Going to the distillery was interesting as well and I did my usual of buying a bottle of whiskey which is now sitting with the others I already have. We got to taste three of the whiskies they produce and all had distinctive flavours. On the same day we looked round Inverness and braved the walk up to the castle. As it was Saturday we weren’t able to walk up the tower.

I am still severely depressed although our holiday relieved it a bit as we were out in the fresh air and walked quite a bit. Walking was at our pace with plenty of rest but it was good feeling better in myself. Now we are back to dealing with the aftermath of the windows being smashed, two doors being forced then one door needing to be repaired again. To cheer us up even more someone had tried to force the basement door while we were away. Fortunately that is easy to repair and it wouldn’t have done the potential burglar as there is a shutter on the inside and stock by it. I’m almost sorry the person couldn’t get in as they would have had a nasty accident. That is a very un-Christian thought and I have forgiven the person who tried to get in.

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