living with depression

Monthly Archives: December 2017

I hate the vicious cycle of my mood getting better then a trigger setting me back. Lately there has been a friend who has been pushing my buttons so badly that anger has been very close to the surface. It goes beyond the normal type of anger that people feel at times. My anger has been verging on rage which scares the heck out of me and I keep telling the friend not to push me that far. I really don’t ‘get’ people like that although it has been a long time since anybody has pushed me that far.

We have joined up with the local leisure centre for a few reasons;
we want to lose weight
get fitter
it’s a great way for me to channel my anger
it improves my mood.

I am so fed up with being told by doctors, when I go to surgery, to lose weight, me telling him or her I am trying but am putting on weight. Since I made the decision to lose weight I have put on 8 kilos which has made my depression worse. I am waiting for counselling which I am hoping with all my heart will be the turnaround. The only time I seem to be happy is when we are at home and the pets are close by. They all pick up on my mood and know how to make me feel calm. As I am typing our neighbour’s cat is on the back of my chair. She is beautiful and very calming.

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It has been a sad year due to deaths in the family but there have been happy times as well.

My Dad died on the 27th February this year which was made worse for my sister as she was the one who found him. I am glad that we were able to spend time with my sister the evening before the funeral. She took us round to our Dad’s home so we could choose things we would like although I had already asked her if I could have the family bible. I have good memories of it so was happy to agree that the bible was either donated to a church or retained by the family.

At the end of May we rescued a staffie called Cassie who is a very happy dog. She has settled in well and is good with cats. Sadly our little Tinkerbelle died a few days after we got Cassie. She had been poorly throughout her three short years yet was a little angel. I am sure that Tinkerbelle knew she was loved and all the neighbours liked her.

We then got Grace who is a beautiful grey kitten with a white chest, tummy and white ‘toes’ on her hind paws. Grace has such a lovely nature, our friend Stewart has one of her sisters as well.

After that our eldest cat, Tasha, suffered an abscess behind her right eye so we took her to the vets. The vet who saw her managed to get quite a bit of pus from her face but Tasha was kept in overnight. The vet said that she believed removing Tasha’s eye was the best option but is the type who likes to get a second opinion. We collected Tasha the next morning and the vet we saw told us that she would be treated with pain relief and antibiotics. During the next two weeks more pus came from Tasha’s face so we could see a bit of improvement. Two weeks later we took Tasha back for a check up and were told to continue with pain relief and antibiotics. Both of us were concerned about this but as we believed the vet was making the right choice we continued with the treatment. A few days later Tasha disappeared which is unusual for her as she was a very timid cat who didn’t wander far. Last year Tasha disappeared for a week but came back looking dusty and it looked like she had been fed. This time we believe Tasha went off to die somewhere quiet. It has been a double blow losing two cats so quickly but we know they are in a better place and they are well.

On the last Sunday in October we got another kitten from the daughter of a friend. He is a beautiful ginger kitten who is very playful. It is funny having two kittens in the place and they get on very well, and, they even eat next to each other.

Since then my aunt by marriage to my mum’s twin brother has died and not too long after he died as well. None of my Mum’s brothers are alive now and only one aunt by marriage is alive. My Dad didn’t have any siblings and I don’t have any contact with family on his side anymore.

I have more contact with my sister now which has cheered me up more than I thought I would. It is something I hadn’t expected but I am really happy as I have always loved my sister.

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There isn’t a better way to express how I am feeling as each day feels worse than the day before. I hate feeling miserable, tearful, short tempered with one person and tired all of the time. What is adding to my very low mood is the pain in my hips. At the moment the only line open to me potentially is steroid injections as I know physiotherapy is only temporary solution. My hips aren’t bad enough for me to have hip replacements so my choice is to put up with the pain.

My fear may be irrational where steroid injections are concerned but I saw the problems my Mum had. She was asthmatic all of her life and was eventually offered steroids as a way to potentially improve her life. A side effect was bloating and weight gain which I knew got her down as it was something beyond her control unless she chose to cut them out of her life. A number of years ago I did have a steroid injection in my right wrist and should have had two more but I couldn’t go through with having all three.

My depression is an ever decreasing circle where my good days are getting fewer. Wearing a mask is the one way that I can keep people at arm’s length as they think I’m hapy.

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