Wearing A Mask

living with depression

It’s not every anniversary, it’s just some. On Saturday it was my son’s 38th birthday and we haven’t had contact since 2009. It hurts so much that we don’t have contact, I may not like his attitude but I still love him.

This year I got a few comments on Fb from people I’ve known since school who don’t know ‘our’ history but understand from the point of view of no contact with ‘raised’ children. One person I met on holiday whom I have reconnected with has had it hard as well and I got support from people who do know the full story.

Of course I’m still struggling with stress so that doesn’t help, just looking forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

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My pets are the ones who have been keeping me going when I have been going through the really bad days.

One of our cats had kittens seven weeks and they are gorgeous. One is ginger and nicknamed Tigger which his new owner has kept, the runt of the litter is black and nicknamed Boris aka Smokey and she is also doing well in her new home as Jasmine now. The other two look like Persian kittens, light grey with darker grey ears and tails and known affectionaly as the twins.

A friend of a friend was going to take one but we can’t split them up so now one is Shadow and the other Misty. They are so comical when they play although the dogs can be very protective so they are learning to let the kittens play.

Bandit, our saluki cross, has been poorly so we have been keeping an eye on him. Rick rang the vets who seem to think he’s probably picked something up – I thought he had an upset stomach – so we’re taking him in on Tuesday just for a check up.

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Life in general isn’t getting better and I am struggling to get through each day which isn’t helped by an obnoxious friend. He also suffers with depression and I was sympathetic until he moved to be closer to us as he classes us as the next best thing to family. His dad died years ago and doesn’t know if his mother is still alive as he lost contact with her years ago, the same as his sister.

On the 1st August 2016 he moved opposite us – our back gardens are opposite each other with a dead end road in between. We spent the weekend before he moved to clean up his bungalow and help pack up the last bits and pieces. It was that bad in his kitchen I wore rubber gloves which I hate wearing as I have small hands. The amount of out of date food he had was incredible and the amount of cleaning products he had was amazing. I offered to help keep his new bungalow clean as I wanted to help him and to be motivated to be cleaner which includes himself.

I washed all his clothes when he had moved as all of his clothes were smelly and most of it was dirty. It is sad that someone gets that low that they don’t want to do anything but with him it was different. We did so much to help him get better, got him out (he slept most of day away before he moved) and go different places.

After a while I started to get fed up with him as he really doesn’t want to get better no matter what we do or say to help him. I even started telling him that nobody can help him until he starts helping himself which isn’t really helpful to say to somebody with depression. In his case he needs a kick up the backside and shown tough love. Other friends have realised this as well so he has to listen to straight talking.

I have enough problems of my own which I haven’t been dealing with so it’s dragging me down. It’s a shame there isn’t a miracle cure for depression as I hate being this miserable. Tomorrow we go down south for one of my nieces wedding on Saturday and a nephew in law’s 40th birthday. The break away will do me a power of good. Our friend is puppy sitting which helps as we don’t have to worry about getting them out and it will be fairer on them to be in their own home.

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