living with depression

Depression

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Other couples have a party, go out for a meal or go away, celebrate but not us we are at home not doing anything special. I know Rick has ordered me a special ring which I am quite happy to wait for. It’s just the not doing something special so it feels like a let down as we have been talking about doing something special.

My mood has improved a bit although living with someone who also suffers with depression it hasn’t helped. Some days I have ended up in tears because Rick’s mood has been so bad. We have also had to deal with another particularly nasty character in the Shildon shop this time.

I’m just glad we are getting away for a few days soon.

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Our kittens, Patch and Peggy-Sue, make me feel loved and giving me a reason to live. They are 10 weeks old now and are getting very boisterous – they are so much like their big brother Jacob in that respect.

I am still struggling with my mood which isn’t helped by people the closest to me on a daily basis. They don’t realise I am struggling but my mask is well worn so they won’t ever. Even if they did know there is nothing they can do to make me feel any better – being one of my bad times of the year isn’t helping either.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get jobs done around home to help me feel better in myself.

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It feels like we are never getting time to rest or have a break which is sad. We were away a month ago yet it seems much longer ago.

I am on a losing battle with depression with anxiety levels going through the roof and OCD symptons creeping back into my daily life. It’s been under control for quite a while and need to see my doctor but feel too exhausted to make an appointment.

Little highlights in my life are having two crazy kittens who are siblings of Jacob, a little girl who comes into one of our shops and looking forward to my sister’s 60th birthday. We will be staying down south for the weekend so we intend to make the most of it.

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I don’t know how I am keeping the strength to keep going.

The latest in the very long list of woes has been trying to deal with nastiness of a so called friend and her daughter. I am still at a loss why they have come out with nasty untrue comments and to do it on Facebook was cowardly. They don’t even seem to realize yet that they have picked on the wrong ones to pick a fight with.

Money is owed to us and a friend so an invoice was sent to the mother which, days later, was chucked into our friend’s hallway. He keeps his back door open during the day which is opposite ours with parking in between. It has been resent with a letter stating that the money needs to be paid by Tuesday – I forgot about Monday being a bank holiday – or she will be taken through the small claims court. They had decided it was okay to ask us to collect a computer and give back the ‘hundreds of pounds worth of donations. They don’t just owe us money for a computer there is other things they owe for such as a mobile phone. The donations we were given came from the Salvation Army shop where we have an agreement of swapping donations over which works as both shops sell. It is odd that some of our stock won’t sell and the same for the Salvation Army shop yet will do when donations have been swapped.

What worries me is that neither mother or daughter will admit when they are in the wrong and it’s always someone else’s fault. What sparked the nastiness was a party they arranged at a pub where we are are friendly with the landlady. It ended up being a shambles in the worst possible way but of course it wasn’t their fault. We haven’t publicly taken sides but having given good reviews online has been enough to anger them when it had nothing to do with them.

The situation has just made me more miserable.

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The 3rd August is one of those anniversaries I hate as it’s my son’s birthday. I didn’t mention it to anybody on Friday and kept busy instead. Saturday was busy as we’ve organised a weekly boot sale at a local pub so was there for several hours. We had a good day though and yesterday we went to Whitby for the day. It was a beautiful day and we both caught the sun – we’ve both got a tan as the summer has been hot.

My mood is still up and down so I prefer to keep busy. It’s hard to keep up with things to stop my mind from dwelling on what makes me sad.

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I am running on exhaust fumes and I know Rick is as well which hasn’t helped my mood. Days are running into one and I feel like I’m not getting anything done. My mood is worsening which isn’t helped with me putting weight on so I don’t know what to do anymore to lose weight.

What I am looking forward to is our holiday which is two months away and we need the break. I may need another holiday though as Clare and Lee are coming with us. They are a lovely couple and also very funny so it should be an interesting week. We intend having good walks with Cassie but other than that we want to rest.

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Life has been had over the past couple of months in part caused by our church organisation. It has upset friends of our within the circuit and they are in a position to cause ripples in the organisation. That is one thing that has kept me going and one in particular can cause major ripples which won’t go down well at all.

It’s sad that a church can go to extremes because of historical abuse yet it is the innocent who suffer. The real offenders are still getting away with it because their victims are to scared to speak out. I have lost my fight but I haven’t lost my spirit, I just need to use it in other ways.

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I feel like I’m in a personal wilderness, not belonging to one church and no longer really fitting in with another. At some point I know I’m going to have to make a decision about were I’m going to worship but just as likely to surprise people. The confidence I had has gone, my self esteem is very low and I know longer trust people which is sad.

We’ve had enough problems over the past couple of years without a church organisation adding to it. Hopefully in the near future one of the things that’s caused us stressed will be resolved in our favour. I am just wondering how much more I will able to cope without completely breaking down.

Having pets is about the only thing that is keeping me going apart from Rick. He is also stressed out with the chain of events so that makes it even harder for both of us.

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Life has been bad for a few weeks, more than usual, due to the ‘power of our church’s hierarchy. Rick and I haven’t been able to talk about the matter with other members at our church so it was a shock for them tonight for Rick’s last service. One of them asked me what it was about so I gave the basic information and I felt bad for not telling her everything. I was worried that our minister would overhear the conversation. I know he isn’t happy about the situation and has been fighting in Rick’s corner but his hands have been tied by our superintendent and the ‘powers to be.’

It was tough this evening as Rick wanted to have his say which he was allowed to do. Afterwards our minister came up up to me and gave me a hug and asked if I was okay. I told him I was but after that I had to explain to the other members that I am keeping my membership there so will go to the other circuit / church in the mornings and there in the evening.

What’s happened is completely wrong and stressful for us.

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Whilst I understand why church organisations are going over the top over being careful who has any responsibility within the church setting they are going way too far. I am one of the latest victims as due to DBS checks being done. There is absolutely no good reason for me to have to justify my past but I have too as others have or having to do. I feel emotionally blackmailed into playing the political game just to keep doing what I have been doing. Basically I have been told that it might affect Rick with what he is doing if I refuse which is exactly what I want to do. I have nothing to hide and my past has no relevence to what I have been doing but I still have to go through their stupid system just to carry on. My minister fully understands how I feel and wants to help which I appreciate as he is one of life’s good guys but I resent having to explain myself.

I’ve got so much angst in my life to have this going on as well. It would help having someone neutral to talk to but I can’t due to lack of trust and I am so scared of breaking down completely. Life would be so much better if I could put a stop on everything that has made me miserable and have a clean slate but it isn’t that easy.

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