living with depression

Family

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…. I could tell my niece and and nephew-in-law I understand the intense, profound grief they are going through will be the worst grief they will go through.

I can’t because my baby didn’t die.

If only….

… I could tell them that what they are going through is natural.

I can’t because their grief is still raw.

If only….

I could tell them one day they would find the days easier even though the profound loss would still be there.

I can’t because it’s still very new.

I can’t because my pround grief and loss is just losing a baby. My son came back even though we don’t have contact because he hates me. My soul cries out for them as I know their grief and loss will always be far worse than mine ever will be.

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I’m getting to an age where funerals are occuring more often for people I know with the next one being my great niece’s on 22nd October. Even though the family knew she was going to die it hasn’t made it any easier;

I am thankful she was born alive

I am thankful her parents held her

that her brother was able to hold her

she lived for just over a day, but….

saddened that her eldest brother didn’t meet her

we didn’t get to meet her (distance is great)

she died too young, yet …

She will always be part of the family

she lives in our hearts

we will get to meet her one day.

Doesn’t make it any easier and her mother, father and two brothers live with pain day by day.

Goodnight and God Bless Chloe, you were too perfect and special for this world and you know you are loved.

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My niece’s precious little angel was born alive late Saturday afternoon. She, her husband and the family knew that it was jsut borrowed time but I’m pleased they had time with this precious little girl before she died the next day.

It doesn’t take away from their pain and time will be difficult for a long time. They will never forget their loss and their baby has been added to the family tree as she existed and lived a brief life.

Goodnight sweetheart, rest in peace and know that you are loved.

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My great niece or nephew was due on the 14th September, last Saturday, but my niece and nephew are going through the prolonged agony. It was one of my cousins birthday on the same day so in a way it is a relief in a way and I know that sounds terrible. Anybody who has suffered a huge loss will ‘get it’ and yet the pain of knowing my niece and nephew in law are still waiting for their loss is agonising. All I want to do is hug them and let them know what they are going through is normal for their situation.

Of course them being the adults they have to think about their son and the nephew in law’s son from his first marriage. His ex has been a responsible mother, him a responsible dad, so their son has intergrated with our family. I don’t ‘see’ him as a step great nephew – he is simply a great nephew. Rick and I have only met him once – at my sister’s 60th birthday party – but knew who he was immediately. It was so natural to tell him I had seen pictures of him and the family when they were in the States.

There are no words to express how I am feeling for them …

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My new great niece or nephew is due in two days time and I won’t get to know him or her. It is far, far worse for my niece and nephew in law as they have gone through 9 months of pregnancy hoping for healthy son or daughter. They have a son whom they love to bits and my nephew in law’s son by his first marriage. It doesn’t take away the pain of knowing this child won’t grow up at all. I am thankful that they have support from a charity who will still be there for them. Of course there are the ripples out and the boys will have to go through the grieving process as well.

I wish that we did live closer during this time for extra support for them. Although my child didn’t die, he grew up and we were reunited when he was an adult I still grieve for the baby I lost. It is such a profound feeling – like an invisible amputation and in that respect I understand what K and M will be going through. I know my son had a good life and is healthy but they will never have that.

I am drawing on my faith and have been praying for K, M, J and T because the baby is T’s half brother or sister. It can’t be easy for him as his parents have been good parents and his step family – my family – love him just as much as all of the children.

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It is hard to remember what a good day is and I am so tired of putting on a mask. I am becoming very quiet which Rick has picked up on but I’m too tired of putting on an act. Friends have noticed as well and a positive is they aren’t pushing me to talk.

I just wish this black mood would shift even if it was a little bit. Getting away will help a bit but we have to come back, bleh, bleh, bleh ….

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It’s not every anniversary, it’s just some. On Saturday it was my son’s 38th birthday and we haven’t had contact since 2009. It hurts so much that we don’t have contact, I may not like his attitude but I still love him.

This year I got a few comments on Fb from people I’ve known since school who don’t know ‘our’ history but understand from the point of view of no contact with ‘raised’ children. One person I met on holiday whom I have reconnected with has had it hard as well and I got support from people who do know the full story.

Of course I’m still struggling with stress so that doesn’t help, just looking forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

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My pets are the ones who have been keeping me going when I have been going through the really bad days.

One of our cats had kittens seven weeks and they are gorgeous. One is ginger and nicknamed Tigger which his new owner has kept, the runt of the litter is black and nicknamed Boris aka Smokey and she is also doing well in her new home as Jasmine now. The other two look like Persian kittens, light grey with darker grey ears and tails and known affectionaly as the twins.

A friend of a friend was going to take one but we can’t split them up so now one is Shadow and the other Misty. They are so comical when they play although the dogs can be very protective so they are learning to let the kittens play.

Bandit, our saluki cross, has been poorly so we have been keeping an eye on him. Rick rang the vets who seem to think he’s probably picked something up – I thought he had an upset stomach – so we’re taking him in on Tuesday just for a check up.

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Life in general isn’t getting better and I am struggling to get through each day which isn’t helped by an obnoxious friend. He also suffers with depression and I was sympathetic until he moved to be closer to us as he classes us as the next best thing to family. His dad died years ago and doesn’t know if his mother is still alive as he lost contact with her years ago, the same as his sister.

On the 1st August 2016 he moved opposite us – our back gardens are opposite each other with a dead end road in between. We spent the weekend before he moved to clean up his bungalow and help pack up the last bits and pieces. It was that bad in his kitchen I wore rubber gloves which I hate wearing as I have small hands. The amount of out of date food he had was incredible and the amount of cleaning products he had was amazing. I offered to help keep his new bungalow clean as I wanted to help him and to be motivated to be cleaner which includes himself.

I washed all his clothes when he had moved as all of his clothes were smelly and most of it was dirty. It is sad that someone gets that low that they don’t want to do anything but with him it was different. We did so much to help him get better, got him out (he slept most of day away before he moved) and go different places.

After a while I started to get fed up with him as he really doesn’t want to get better no matter what we do or say to help him. I even started telling him that nobody can help him until he starts helping himself which isn’t really helpful to say to somebody with depression. In his case he needs a kick up the backside and shown tough love. Other friends have realised this as well so he has to listen to straight talking.

I have enough problems of my own which I haven’t been dealing with so it’s dragging me down. It’s a shame there isn’t a miracle cure for depression as I hate being this miserable. Tomorrow we go down south for one of my nieces wedding on Saturday and a nephew in law’s 40th birthday. The break away will do me a power of good. Our friend is puppy sitting which helps as we don’t have to worry about getting them out and it will be fairer on them to be in their own home.

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It doesn’t seem to matter how well I sleep or not I am always drained and tired. Subsequently it’s not helping my mood and no matter what coping tactics I use I either end up crying or lose my temper.

It’s difficult to cope with two puppies even though they are so happy and loving as I find it too much at times. On the other side of the coin they give me a reason to get up each morning. Our eldest dog is 6 years old and is a rescue dog which we took on two years ago. The first four years of her life were in the Newcastle Dog and Cat Shelter as people kept taking her back. Cassie can be annoying but we couldn’t take her back as we love her too much.

The kittens are coming along nicely and very alert, they are used to us and the dogs now and ‘mummy’, Peggy-Sue, trusts us all. They are a good weight and as of today they are in a cat litter box with a fleece blanket on the floor. It seemed the easiest option to get them down in safety and easy to get to by Peggy-Sue. They are nicknamed ‘Boris’ who is black, ‘Houdini’ who is cream and grey, ‘Tigger’ who is a pale ginger and cream colour and ‘Snookums’ who is mostly cream with some grey.

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