living with depression

Family

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It’s not every anniversary, it’s just some. On Saturday it was my son’s 38th birthday and we haven’t had contact since 2009. It hurts so much that we don’t have contact, I may not like his attitude but I still love him.

This year I got a few comments on Fb from people I’ve known since school who don’t know ‘our’ history but understand from the point of view of no contact with ‘raised’ children. One person I met on holiday whom I have reconnected with has had it hard as well and I got support from people who do know the full story.

Of course I’m still struggling with stress so that doesn’t help, just looking forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

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My pets are the ones who have been keeping me going when I have been going through the really bad days.

One of our cats had kittens seven weeks and they are gorgeous. One is ginger and nicknamed Tigger which his new owner has kept, the runt of the litter is black and nicknamed Boris aka Smokey and she is also doing well in her new home as Jasmine now. The other two look like Persian kittens, light grey with darker grey ears and tails and known affectionaly as the twins.

A friend of a friend was going to take one but we can’t split them up so now one is Shadow and the other Misty. They are so comical when they play although the dogs can be very protective so they are learning to let the kittens play.

Bandit, our saluki cross, has been poorly so we have been keeping an eye on him. Rick rang the vets who seem to think he’s probably picked something up – I thought he had an upset stomach – so we’re taking him in on Tuesday just for a check up.

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Life in general isn’t getting better and I am struggling to get through each day which isn’t helped by an obnoxious friend. He also suffers with depression and I was sympathetic until he moved to be closer to us as he classes us as the next best thing to family. His dad died years ago and doesn’t know if his mother is still alive as he lost contact with her years ago, the same as his sister.

On the 1st August 2016 he moved opposite us – our back gardens are opposite each other with a dead end road in between. We spent the weekend before he moved to clean up his bungalow and help pack up the last bits and pieces. It was that bad in his kitchen I wore rubber gloves which I hate wearing as I have small hands. The amount of out of date food he had was incredible and the amount of cleaning products he had was amazing. I offered to help keep his new bungalow clean as I wanted to help him and to be motivated to be cleaner which includes himself.

I washed all his clothes when he had moved as all of his clothes were smelly and most of it was dirty. It is sad that someone gets that low that they don’t want to do anything but with him it was different. We did so much to help him get better, got him out (he slept most of day away before he moved) and go different places.

After a while I started to get fed up with him as he really doesn’t want to get better no matter what we do or say to help him. I even started telling him that nobody can help him until he starts helping himself which isn’t really helpful to say to somebody with depression. In his case he needs a kick up the backside and shown tough love. Other friends have realised this as well so he has to listen to straight talking.

I have enough problems of my own which I haven’t been dealing with so it’s dragging me down. It’s a shame there isn’t a miracle cure for depression as I hate being this miserable. Tomorrow we go down south for one of my nieces wedding on Saturday and a nephew in law’s 40th birthday. The break away will do me a power of good. Our friend is puppy sitting which helps as we don’t have to worry about getting them out and it will be fairer on them to be in their own home.

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It doesn’t seem to matter how well I sleep or not I am always drained and tired. Subsequently it’s not helping my mood and no matter what coping tactics I use I either end up crying or lose my temper.

It’s difficult to cope with two puppies even though they are so happy and loving as I find it too much at times. On the other side of the coin they give me a reason to get up each morning. Our eldest dog is 6 years old and is a rescue dog which we took on two years ago. The first four years of her life were in the Newcastle Dog and Cat Shelter as people kept taking her back. Cassie can be annoying but we couldn’t take her back as we love her too much.

The kittens are coming along nicely and very alert, they are used to us and the dogs now and ‘mummy’, Peggy-Sue, trusts us all. They are a good weight and as of today they are in a cat litter box with a fleece blanket on the floor. It seemed the easiest option to get them down in safety and easy to get to by Peggy-Sue. They are nicknamed ‘Boris’ who is black, ‘Houdini’ who is cream and grey, ‘Tigger’ who is a pale ginger and cream colour and ‘Snookums’ who is mostly cream with some grey.

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Life isn’t really getting any easier and I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It just feels like we are trying to swim against the tide which is leaving me tired all of the time. I wish we could go away for at least a week but in reality that’s not going to happen until September / October unless a minor miracle happens.

It’s just over three months since we won our court case and still waiting for a compromise of getting our money. The solicitor of the defendant is playing really awkward so in my last letter I stated that if the cheque wasn’t made out to me I would go back to court and wouldn’t close the writ. He wants me to pay £80 to £150 admin charge just to get a cheque made out to me even though he knows that I have every right to do so.

Rick had a hearing test today after months of me nagging then booking an appointment online after the referral from our doctor. His hearing is bad enough to warrant hearing aids but it could have been much worse. Now Rick has something new to complain about particularly as it’s an 8 week wait until he goes back to the hospital.

One bit of good news recently has been that the minister at the local church I used to be a member off is moving away to Blackburn. It sounds like she has been diplomatically given a shove to move on. I’m not surprised as she has accused people of being bullies, racist, having anger issues and even a woman hater in at least one case. This is all because people have dared to stand up to her when they haven’t agreed with her. She won’t like it where she’s going because people won’t like her attitude.

One of our cats was pregnant and had her kittens over the weekend. They are all healthy and we already have homes for at least two of them. We know we can trust the people who want the kittens as they are friends and they love the cats they already have.


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A few weeks ago a friend died but nobody seemed to know what was going on in regards to a funeral. Another friend had been told that the funeral was being organised by a third party and her grandson was working on a speech.

Today there was a memorial service where she had been a member – I had been a member there for a while. People turned up for it which was a relieve for members there but the friend had been popular. She didn’t say much yet she had a wonderful laugh which was infectious.

The service was good although her daughter put on an Oscar winning performance. Only one of the grandchildren was there, her brother (eldest brother died a few years ago and his support worker and partner. When the service ended I popped into the kitchen as the lunch club was on and had a cup of tea with them.

One of the cooks told me that there hadn’t been a funeral as nobody would pay for it. That was upsetting news as her daughter could have got a funeral grant which she wouldn’t have had to pay back. Sadly I should have thought about that as the daughter and grandchildren are all selfish. Before I get blasted it is true and there is a number of people including us who have been made to suffer at different degrees by the family.

On a lighter note it has reminded me how much I miss helping out there at the lunch club. I won’t go back or at least note while the minister is still there.

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Yes I do and should I really care about everything that happens in my daily life?

I don’t know any more and my faith doesn’t help either, I just don’t know.

  • I am tired
  • I am depressed
  • I can’t think straight
  • I can’t rationalise
  • I don’t see the point in anything
  • I just don’t care any more

Every day I get up and often I do so just because it’s easier to deal with than getting into a fight because I don’t want to get up. Routine hasn’t been helping, it makes me feel worse.

The cycle of volunteering and having to deal with one regular is dragging me down without realising what he is doing. Wearing my mask is bad at the moment and need to stop pretending that all is well in my life …. more soon ….

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No the title of the post doesn’t make sense but that just about sums up how I feel. I am trying to take my medication at regular intervals but now I’m struggling with the I can’t be bothered feeling. Life is unbearable at the moment and it seems like there is one problem after another. I can’t remember what it is like to be happy most of the time. Even on bad often something would happen to make me smile or laugh.

I feel so tired all of the time yet often it’s hard to go most of night without waking. A holiday would be great but we can’t afford that right at this time. We will be going away later in the year which can’t come quick enough for me.

On top of having to deal with my own depression I am having to deal with Rick. I know I have my moments and wish I could take back what I’ve said yet he thinks it’s acceptable to snap at me all the time. I’m tired of his constant accusations of me moaning all the time and I feel like I can’t be honest as I don’t want the accusations. Sometimes I get angry which I hate then feel sad that I’ve allowed Rick to push my buttons.

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It seems like a relentless attack from everybody so my mood is always low. Even those closest to me aren’t realizing their words hurt particularly when they accuse me of moaning or nagging when I haven’t ……

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Life isn’t getting any better and no matter what I do something happens every day to make me feel down. I keep wondering what I have done so wrong to keep getting attack one way or another. It doesn’t help when someone makes a comment that is hurtful and I wonder why the person believes I won’t react well when they are ill. This person knows I have a temper but I have never ever let rip at this person. I usually make a comment to let others know when my mood isn’t great but I’m polite with it.

On a better note we found out that we had won our case against a company. The owner of the company acted unlawfully over how he got a bill paid and was convinced he had acted legally. It must have been painful for him to write a cheque out for us but I really don’t care. Now I have grounds to take the matter further with the enforcement company he used as they knew what he wanted to do was unlawful but it didn’t stop them from doing what they did.

I have tried making a complaint by email but have been ignored twice now so the next step is to make it more formal. The next step is to put it in writing with proof that what was done to us was unlawful.

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