living with depression

anger

Other couples have a party, go out for a meal or go away, celebrate but not us we are at home not doing anything special. I know Rick has ordered me a special ring which I am quite happy to wait for. It’s just the not doing something special so it feels like a let down as we have been talking about doing something special.

My mood has improved a bit although living with someone who also suffers with depression it hasn’t helped. Some days I have ended up in tears because Rick’s mood has been so bad. We have also had to deal with another particularly nasty character in the Shildon shop this time.

I’m just glad we are getting away for a few days soon.

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I hate the vicious cycle of my mood getting better then a trigger setting me back. Lately there has been a friend who has been pushing my buttons so badly that anger has been very close to the surface. It goes beyond the normal type of anger that people feel at times. My anger has been verging on rage which scares the heck out of me and I keep telling the friend not to push me that far. I really don’t ‘get’ people like that although it has been a long time since anybody has pushed me that far.

We have joined up with the local leisure centre for a few reasons;
we want to lose weight
get fitter
it’s a great way for me to channel my anger
it improves my mood.

I am so fed up with being told by doctors, when I go to surgery, to lose weight, me telling him or her I am trying but am putting on weight. Since I made the decision to lose weight I have put on 8 kilos which has made my depression worse. I am waiting for counselling which I am hoping with all my heart will be the turnaround. The only time I seem to be happy is when we are at home and the pets are close by. They all pick up on my mood and know how to make me feel calm. As I am typing our neighbour’s cat is on the back of my chair. She is beautiful and very calming.

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shine

I have tried so hard over the past week to post again but couldn’t find the words to write.  The person who has hurt me has used Rick as the target and has hurt him even worse.  What this person has done is disgusting and could have destroyed both of us.  I should forgive this person but I can’t at the moment as it’s still too raw and more to the point I don’t want to.  One day I will.  Right now I can’t.

I have retreated as far as I can into my shell.

I feel dirty.

Violated.

Disgusted.

Angry.

I don’t want to trust anybody any more.

I can’t verbally explain the pain I feel.

I am angry to the point of wanting to explode.

I want to cry.

I am going through the motions.

My life is a living hell.

But.

I am thankful for friends I know I can trust when I am ready to live again.  My faith is giving me something to grip onto but I am scared that I will let go as I’m so tired.

All was going well for us.

We have enjoyed our daily life.

Life had a meaning.

I was happy keeping busy and spending time with people I like and respect.

Rick has enjoyed what has been doing, still doing in part.

All it took to destroy our happiness was one person’s vicious words.  We are the victims with Rick being the main victim which hurts even more as I can’t make him feel better.  I can’t put the world to rights for him.  Where is the justice for him?

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