living with depression


Christmas decorations are now down although cards are still up.  When we were first married we did tend to leave the decorations up until at least New Year’s Day.  Now it is almost a relieve to get them down a few days after Christmas Day.  The neighbourhood has been very quiet over the silly season which seems to be the trend over the past few years. I can’t remember the last time I have seen children out with new bikes, roller skates etc over Christmas.

What hasn’t helped my mood lately is that about a year on we still have a leak coming through the ceiling and rising damp.  It took many months and a ‘repair’ for the housing association to accept that it isnt just a minor leak.  Eventually we had scaffolding up so that the roofers could replace the felt and some of the tiles.  This seemed to solve the problem for a short time but it’s back and worse than before.  About three or four weeks ago someone else came out while I was at lunch club and told Rick that the roof needed doing again as the felt was substandard.  We understood that the job would be done before Christmas.

It hasn’t and Rick eventually rang up and was told that nothing could be done until after Christmas as the scaffolders are off on holiday for two weeks.  What has annoyed us even more is the lack of communication and whoever Rick spoke to told him someone would be out towards the end of January.  With all the rain we have had the carpet in the bathroom is wet, the rising damp is getting worse and we seem to have water constantly dripping in the bathroom.  Someone else has since been out and has said the job is urgent now as he has seen the state of the bathroom.

I know we don’t have to pay for the repairs but I would rather have not had this problem in the first place.  It’s probably part of the reason why we can’t shift our colds and generally feeling under the weather.  I know it’s not helping my mood either.  Before Christmas I booked up an appointment for the 5th January 2016 which is also the day that the first of the lunch clubs start.  It’s an early appointment so shouldn’t affect the time I get there.  The doctor I usually see specifically about my depression is on maternity leave so I hope the doctor I will be seeing will listen.  I am so fed up of feeling tired all of the time and not interested in doing much.  I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts more than usual over Christmas.  It’s not I am am at danger of carrying through with it as I love my cats much as well as Rick.  My little Bella aka Tinkerbelle spends quite a bit of time sharing the settee with me.

For a kitten who was born to a feral cat who lost interest in her after two weeks Tinkerbelle is a very lovable cat.  Tasha, our other cat, likes having the bedroom as her territory which we don’t mind.  The cats have a cat flap so they can come and go as and when they want to but they are both very homely cats.


Last Saturday I went out for a ‘girls’ night out in Shildon to see an Elvis tribute act at the working men’s club in Shildon.  It was great to let my hair down for a change and it has been the best night out I’ve had in a long time.  My friend (and neighbour) invited me out as she was going with her daughter whom I do know and her friend whom I have met once plus two friends of my neighbour.  We were the ones who got other people up dancing eventually simply because they could see we were having fun.

Since then Rick and I have been able to go out when we have felt like it.  This year hasn’t had a festive feeling leading up to Christmas even with getting in presents, decorations up and the ‘treats’ we like to have in for Christmas.

Last night we went out for a meal with friends which was their Christmas present to us.  It’s been a while since we have been out for a meal so it was a nice change from the norm.  While we were there an accident occured and the road was partially closed but we were able to get out okay.

I used to love Christmas as a child and up until I was 19 years old.  It was the one time of the year that was special and to look forward to.  Christmas always kept up its magic for me.  It wasn’t just about receiving presents it was also to celebrate Jesus’ birthday although technically he was probably between January and March but with the calendar changing it was still kept to the 25th December.  I also loved giving presents, well I still do.  Of course the reason I don’t enjoy Christmas as much as I used to is because of my son being illegally adopted.  The Christmasses he was with us I did enjoy as we were a family.  Now Christmas makes me sad and hurt.  I wish I could be honest with people why I prefer a quiet Christmas but they wouldn’t understand.


I carry


god will carry

This week has become a blur.  On Monday morning we down at the Valley M. C. for quiet time and for the men to get on with odd jobs.  Duncan turned up with Molly who was her usual happy self.  She is the kind of dog that makes life worth living.

The Tuesday lunch club was was a good day.  I enjoy serving the food as the people are very appreciative.   Cynthia still wasn’t sure if we were going to have fresh or frozen brussel sprouts so she said she would give me a ring.

Wednesday morning Cynthia rang up to let me know I could go in to do the brussel sprouts.  She had already done half of them so it didn’t take long to do the rest.  Cynthia had also asked me to peel carrots if I didn’t mind but nobody could find them.  It was a good morning though as other people were in the building so I was able to have a chat everytime someone came into the kitchen.

Yesterday was a long day which I was expecting as it was my third year of being in the kitchen.  I got in half an hour early just to get a head start on the potatoes and Catherine got in a bit earlier as well.  Fortunately we had extra help with other volunteers coming into the kitchen when needed.  It was funny when Peter got the volunteers down to the hall so we could receive our presents.  I wore my ‘santa’ hat which has Ho! Ho! Ho! and I turned the button on so the hat had lights flashing.  Peter said “Our Pip has been flashing all morning …” which caused laughter.  It was an innocent comment but it was the way he said it that was so funny.  I stayed for my dinner although I did leave earlier than the others.

The Valley M. C. had it’s annual carol singing rond the streets in Eldon Lane and Close House for Save the Children again.  I made it quite clear that I was willing to walk round but I was taking it easy.  My whole body was aching so I was glad to get home.  When I went to bed I realized I had forgotten to take my tablets but was too tired to get up and take them.  I slept badly which I put down to being in so much pain and being over tired.

I really didn’t feel like going to the Shildon M. C. lunch club but didn’t want to let Joan down.  It was much easier than yesterday as we only had about 30 to cook for including us.  There was much more washing up to do though as there was extra food including sausages wrapped in bacon.

Rick wanted to get out for a little while after I got home so I cooked him a quick meal before going out.  Again I felt too achy to do much but it was worth having a look round a couple of shops.

I am relieved that I have two weeks off now to relax.  It’s been a long year with little rest.  It’s added to my mood being low whereas it used to help because it kept my mind occupied.