living with depression

church

I feel like I’m in a personal wilderness, not belonging to one church and no longer really fitting in with another. At some point I know I’m going to have to make a decision about were I’m going to worship but just as likely to surprise people. The confidence I had has gone, my self esteem is very low and I know longer trust people which is sad.

We’ve had enough problems over the past couple of years without a church organisation adding to it. Hopefully in the near future one of the things that’s caused us stressed will be resolved in our favour. I am just wondering how much more I will able to cope without completely breaking down.

Having pets is about the only thing that is keeping me going apart from Rick. He is also stressed out with the chain of events so that makes it even harder for both of us.

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Life has been bad for a few weeks, more than usual, due to the ‘power of our church’s hierarchy. Rick and I haven’t been able to talk about the matter with other members at our church so it was a shock for them tonight for Rick’s last service. One of them asked me what it was about so I gave the basic information and I felt bad for not telling her everything. I was worried that our minister would overhear the conversation. I know he isn’t happy about the situation and has been fighting in Rick’s corner but his hands have been tied by our superintendent and the ‘powers to be.’

It was tough this evening as Rick wanted to have his say which he was allowed to do. Afterwards our minister came up up to me and gave me a hug and asked if I was okay. I told him I was but after that I had to explain to the other members that I am keeping my membership there so will go to the other circuit / church in the mornings and there in the evening.

What’s happened is completely wrong and stressful for us.

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Is there such a thing as normality?

I suppose for me life is back on track. So much has happened in the past year for both of us life can never be quite the same again so all we can do is move forward. Recent weeks have been horrible for us and yet we have been the victims who have been caught up in the crossfire of our tenant and her now ex-boyfriend. We are now hoping that life will just calm down.

Plans for having a junior bible study are up in the air. We wanted to start it on the first Thursday of June but now our (superintendent) minister wants it to start on the first Thursday of July. He wants to be involved to see how it goes but my nose is a bit out of joint as I should have been involved in this conversation but I had to hear it from Rick. I was the first one to suggest a junior bible study and it was agreed I started it but now another person wants to be involved. Our minister wants her to be D.B.S. checked before the junior bible study starts. I am already worried about her being a loose cannon as she never listens to anybody and as I’m the one leading she needs to be put in her place before we start.

She is already starting on about Messy Church and Rick has already told her that I know about it, have done the training and been part of Messy Church. I know she needs to be reined in and have told the senior steward that. At the moment we, as a church, need to concentrate on the junior bible study first and there is also the question of resources. On top of that I would probably be expected to be in charge of that as well and I have enough on my plate without adding to it.

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My mood has generally been better although it has been worsening during the day.  It doesn’t help having a ‘back seat driver’ when I’m driving which infuriates me.  I’m also having to deal with having a few nights of sleeping well then a few of bad nights sleep.

Over thw weekend I decided I would go back to one of the lunch clubs as I have been missing it.  Today was my first day back and it felt as if I hadn’t been away.  It’s just a shame a certain person who should have been a source of support for me over the past couple of months hasn’t.  I probably wouldn’t have had any time away from it but at least I am back for one day a week as I still help out at the Friday lunch club.

I am still having my membership moved though.  It’s one thing going back to help out but another to be committed to it by being a member.  I care about the people there and those that are members of the lunch club but by not being a member of the church I won’t be caught up with the politics of the church.

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I need to be firm with myself about posting more regularly.  The past week has felt never ending but has had it’s interesting moments.

On Monday we went out for a walk with the lady from Well-Being to get us motivated about exercise.  Walking as a way to keep fit isn’t my favourite way of doing this so it was a challenge.  Now get me in a leisure centre ……

On Wednesday we had our JCC (Joint Church Committee) meeting which I hoped wouldn’t be as long as my first one – 2 1/2 hours – but it was.  Most of it was to have updates on various church activities and finances.  At one point we were asked who would be willing to be the JCC rep. for the Trustees meeting which is only held once a year.  Nobody was keen to offer so I did and now I need to know when that is held.

When the community co-ordinator went through the day to day running of the activities he managed to get through it without many interruptions.  That was until he said that the lunch club was ticking over and nothing to report.  I ‘jumped in’, apologised for interrupting and got on my soapbox.  My main gripes were not being told ‘officially’ when the lunch club has been cancelled for a week’s break and volunteers not being allowed to cover.  There are two paid cooks and they shouldn’t really take time off at the same time but the senior one will take the same time off as the other as she doesn’t want to do extra work.

In the past the lunch club wouldn’t have a break when both cooks took holidays at the same time.  The previous community co-ordinator would organise the volunteers to cover.  This happened once after I started in the kitchen but I didn’t know until the caretaker asked if I was on holiday the following week or would I be in.  I didn’t know what was happening until then so let her know I would be in as normal.  Since the new co-ordinator has started the lunch club has been closed twice because of the paid cooks being off.  The first time I was told be one of the other volunteers.  I am glad she told me but I was very upset that neither of the cooks told me even though I realized who should have told me.  Thesecond time was this week and as I suspected what was going on I confronted the senior cook who confirmed what was happening.  Not only did I offer to come in but so did the caretaker who, like me, said who was willing to come.

I knew two of the volunteers were going to be in yesterday as the Day Club was still meeting up as usual.  They decided to do soup, sandwiches and cake.  I offered to go in and help which they appreciated as I knew what to do over preparing the soup.  The co-ordinator didn’t look at all happy that I brought all this up and felt that it wasn’t right.  I got back up from the other members as they feel the same way as me and the two volunteers who organised the food for yesterday.  Our minister didn’t look happy about what’s been going on and assured me that this would be discussed so that this didn’t happen again.  I’m just thankful that I got back up and the minister understood how we feel.  She knew I was upset the last time but hadn’t known the full extent of the story.  That will teach the co-ordinator not to be devious as his sins will catch him out.  It’s great to win a battle though ….

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I feel so tired.  On Saturday we went out just to get a bit of fresh air so had a stroll round town.  In the evening about 17 of us went out for a meal for a friend’s 70th birthday.  It’s actually his birthday today but he and his wife are on a cruise for two weeks.  Anyway the meal was lovely.  I managed to wanted a finger as I had sizzling chicken which was a different plate to the rice ad salad.  The dish was on a board so I intended to move it closer to my plate but touched the dish by mistake.  It was entirely my own fault and didn’t spoil the evening.

On Sunday we were at church twice then went to Costa for the monthly meeting.  Our neighbour met us there which pleased us. The downside was that we had another late night.

On Monday I had to stay in as we were expecting the hole in the bathroom ceiling to be fixed.  It was a long day.  In the evening it was the  first T.O.M. (time out for men) meeting of the new year.  I was on kitchen duty which entailed getting food on plates as the men arrived and we had taken some food with us.  After that I just made pots of tea and hot water for coffee.  I had also put some garlic bread in the oven and when I put it on the  side I managed to burn the same finger as before.

Tuesday was one heck of a day.  I was at the lunch club in the morning which I enjoyed.  After I got home the well-being lady turned up right on time and it was productive.  We had some lunch then I took my Avon round to my friend so she could pass it on to the lady who orders it. I went straight up to the hospital to see one of the ladies who comes to both lunch clubs at my church.  She recently broke her hip and had been in Darlington Hospital then got moved to Bishop Auckland General Hospital.  It was good to see her and she was sitting in a chair.  In the evening we went to our monthly Encounter Group.  It’s been almost a year since we started it so it’s almost scary knowing we only have one more session.  I’ve enjoyed it and it’s made me realize how much I have grown in my faith.

Yesterday it was a relieve to have a quiet day.  I managed to burn my finger a third time though, this time on the iron.  I’m still feeling tired as I had lunch club this morning.  When I got home we put our new mattress on the bed – it’s got springs one half and a memory mattress the other side.  It is much more comfortable than the ‘old’ mattress.  What is so annoying is that the bed is only a year old but the mattress wasn’t good.

My mood has been generally better the last few days and for thatI am thankful.

 

Above all

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I know the problem is I haven’t stopped and desperately need a break but can’t step back as I enjoy what I do.

On Saturday it was our Christmas Fayre and as usual I was in the kitchen.  We had an extra person helping.  This person was well meaning but managed to get on our nerves.  I was glad to get home.

Today was Sylvia’s funeral which went well.  It was very sad that she didn’t have any family to be there for her.  We went to the cemetary for the last part and it was at the point that I finally cried.  It was hard on so many people as she was loved and liked.

Messy church still went on this afternoon as it was arranged and children did turn up.  It good that more children were there this time.  Children are a lovely distraction when I am unhappy.

I am tired but struggle to get to sleep.  I am eating for no better reason than food is there.  My concentration has gone completely.  I wish I didn’t have to do anything, leave home, be polite …. just cut myself off from the outside.  I am tired of wearing a mask

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Today has been a long day.  Rick had a doctor’s appointment this morning as he had been advised to do this.  The doctor went through the information given by the hospital and checked that Rick understood everything including the new medication.  From there we went to the Valley Methodist Church which is part of our normal routine.

This afternoon I went along to the JCC (joint church committee) meeting.  It was the first one ever I have been to since having been made a committee member.  It was interesting as I’ve never been before but hadn’t expected it to go on for so long.  I was feeling tired anyway and struggled to keep my eyes open for a little while – the meeting was 2 1/2 hours.  Subsequently I missed out on meeting the cardiac nurse who had arranged to visit this afternoon.

Rick was annoyed but he did know I am a JCC member now and said he was okay about this.  I am happy with being part of church life and it’s good for me as it keeps my mind occupied.  It’s something I never imagined myself doing yet I like it.  I need to feel part of something that’s outside my marriage.  It gives me something to talk about.

 

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I had every intention of posting but I couldn’t.  Sylvia is on my mind quite a bit so I am thinking of the good times.  Yesterday I was told that the postmortem has been done and she died of a heart attack.  She had died sitting on her armchair and looked contented.  It has been very hard on all of her as Sylvia had a heart of gold but at least she is pain free, can see again (Sylvia was almost blind) and is in heaven.

Rick has realized that he does need to rest as he feels washed out if he is out.  It is hard going for both of us.  For Rick it’s being forced to rest and not to drive for four weeks.  Me …. I’m being tough with Rick over what to eat, making sure he does rest and not lifting.

Part of me is still angry with Rick as I tried to make him eat better but wouldn’t.  Doctors at our surgery were giving him the same advise yet Rick seemed to be in denial.  I don’t if the heart attack shook him up or not as he won’t talk about it.

Being in church this morning felt a bit strange as Sylvia wasn’t there.  When Mary and I were doing the teas Betty asked me if I would do the teas with her when the rota is done.  Sylvia used to do the teas with Betty so I felt quite chuffed that Betty asked asked me.

What’s happened this past week as shaken me up.  My mood was beginning to get better, now I am back to square one.

 

 

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Today has been a good day for me which is a much needed feeling.  I have been depressed for what seems an eternity.  The only time I started to get irritable was attempting to type a bit on the Valley Methodist Church for the circuit website.  It’s almost impossible to read Cliff’s handwriting at the best of times but have decided to leave it until tomorrow.  I am down at the church for a couple of hours in the morning for quiet time in the chapel.  This means I get to type it out and he can tell me what words are that I can’t decypher.  Cliff has a wife but I am his unpaid secretary …. one of these days I will tell him I am on strike.

There is a lack of volunteers for the Woodhouse Close Church stall at the college this coming Saturday.  I have had my name put down for an hour but there are two of us who will be alone for our stints.  This morning I was asked if Rick could be with me but I already know he can’t be there so I don’t know what will be happening.  It is annoying as it’s the same few who have volunteered although there are a couple of ladies who can’t this time.

I was also informed that there is a meeting for messy church on Tuesday if my friend has got the time and day right.  She isn’t sure that she will be able to attend due to an appointment.  It’s 50 / 50 that I will be able to attend either and I dislike short notice meetings.  I’m just hoping that I don’t get any stupid questions at the next messy church session.  Last time I was asked how to use a tin opener … yes, seriously, then asked a little while later how to use the dishwasher.  As it was today I was asked to help with the teas as the person on that rota didn’t turn up.  Sometimes I feel like setting up resident in the church kitchen.

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