living with depression

depressed.

you have

This week has been a bit up and down for me.  It is partly to do with my weight which is slowly and steadily rising so as I am depressed anyway it’s making me feel even worse.  Considering how much exercise I get during the week I shouldn’t be so fat.   It’s getting harder to for me to try and eat healthily so the urge not to eat at all is getting stronger.

I’m not happy either that the lunch club isn’t on next week all because certain people are holiday.  There are enough of us to have covered the lunch club and two of us even asked if we could on separate days.   However I will be going in anyway as one of the volunteers is so annoyed that she decided sandwiches and soup can be served on Thursday.  My offer of help was accepted on the spot so that has been a positive over the last week.

At the moment it is making me look forward to our week away even more at the end of March.  I still need to fill in a form to apply to be a steward but I am determined to get that sorted over the weekend.  The break, if nothing else, will be a good rest for me.  I’m terrible for not being able to say ‘no’ to people unless I’m already doing something else.  Helping out with different things helps to take my mind off being depressed.

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Christmas decorations are now down although cards are still up.  When we were first married we did tend to leave the decorations up until at least New Year’s Day.  Now it is almost a relieve to get them down a few days after Christmas Day.  The neighbourhood has been very quiet over the silly season which seems to be the trend over the past few years. I can’t remember the last time I have seen children out with new bikes, roller skates etc over Christmas.

What hasn’t helped my mood lately is that about a year on we still have a leak coming through the ceiling and rising damp.  It took many months and a ‘repair’ for the housing association to accept that it isnt just a minor leak.  Eventually we had scaffolding up so that the roofers could replace the felt and some of the tiles.  This seemed to solve the problem for a short time but it’s back and worse than before.  About three or four weeks ago someone else came out while I was at lunch club and told Rick that the roof needed doing again as the felt was substandard.  We understood that the job would be done before Christmas.

It hasn’t and Rick eventually rang up and was told that nothing could be done until after Christmas as the scaffolders are off on holiday for two weeks.  What has annoyed us even more is the lack of communication and whoever Rick spoke to told him someone would be out towards the end of January.  With all the rain we have had the carpet in the bathroom is wet, the rising damp is getting worse and we seem to have water constantly dripping in the bathroom.  Someone else has since been out and has said the job is urgent now as he has seen the state of the bathroom.

I know we don’t have to pay for the repairs but I would rather have not had this problem in the first place.  It’s probably part of the reason why we can’t shift our colds and generally feeling under the weather.  I know it’s not helping my mood either.  Before Christmas I booked up an appointment for the 5th January 2016 which is also the day that the first of the lunch clubs start.  It’s an early appointment so shouldn’t affect the time I get there.  The doctor I usually see specifically about my depression is on maternity leave so I hope the doctor I will be seeing will listen.  I am so fed up of feeling tired all of the time and not interested in doing much.  I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts more than usual over Christmas.  It’s not I am am at danger of carrying through with it as I love my cats much as well as Rick.  My little Bella aka Tinkerbelle spends quite a bit of time sharing the settee with me.

For a kitten who was born to a feral cat who lost interest in her after two weeks Tinkerbelle is a very lovable cat.  Tasha, our other cat, likes having the bedroom as her territory which we don’t mind.  The cats have a cat flap so they can come and go as and when they want to but they are both very homely cats.

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This week has been so tiring and I am at the point of losing the will to live.

Tuesday wasn’t too bad as I got a bit of a break in the afternoon but it seemed a long evening.  We went to Brandon Methodist Church for the Encounter Programme social evening.  The first part was being taken round five gazebos which depicts the Christmas story and is aimed at young children.  It’s well done and good for children to see and take part in.

Wednesday was a long day as we got shopping in after a nurse’s appointment for Rick.  I found it hard going due to being tired and not sleeping as well as I need.

Thursday was a horrendous day.  It has been harder work in the lunch club since we have been back to three of us in the kitchen.  Catherine went off for a dentist appointment at 11.30 am so it felt like we didn’t stop to breathe.  I wasn’t happy that someone spilled water in the corridor and didn’t mop it up.  Eventually I did but I shouldn’t have been expected to do this.  By the time Catherine got back we were struggling to keep up the pace of serving and clearing up.

I had also opened my mouth before getting my mouth into first gear on Tuesday by offering to get vegetables prepared for next Thursday.  It is the lunch club Christmas dinner and there are a lot more people on that day.  At the time Cynthia thanked me and said we should be able to cope.  By Thursday she was considering whether to do fresh or frozen  brussel sprouts and asked me if I was still willing to go in on Wednesday if she got fresh.  I have agreed to that.

In the evening we had bible study and I was exhausted by that time.  If I had had my way I would have gone to bed.

Yesterday it was hard for me to concentrate at the lunch club in Shildon as I was so tired.  We had bills to pay so it became another long day.  I will be glad when next Friday afternoon comes as I will have two weeks of much needed rest.  It isn’t helping my mood.

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Yet again I am tired.  It’s been a long day mentally rather than physically which I believe can be worse at times.  This morning I was at church and Rick had to stay at home.  We have this long running saga over a leak in the bathroom which has included having roofers out to put new felt in and a couple of new tiles.  A roofer came out and he couldn’t understand and the electrician turned up just before I went out.  When I got home I wasn’t impressed that we now have a hole in the ceiling and we have to leave the electric for the shower turned on.

I had time at home to have a rest at home, lunch and be online.  The AGM at church was on today at 4 pm which I went to purely because I knew I had been nominated for the joint council committee.  All the members who have been part of it are still on the JCC but now  myself and Cynthia are members of the committee.  I still not sure exactly what the JCC does but no doubt I soon will.

After the AGM and staying long enough for a coffee, half a salmon roll and a scone I was picked up for the evening service at the Valley Methodist Church.  Rick had arranged for me to be picked by June as he had to get set up for this evening and lead the prayer meeting.  It was a good meeting although I was relieved to get home.  We have to be up early tomorrow which isn’t exactly cheering me up either.

It really is getting me down now that I’m not having a break as such.  I enjoy my normal routine it’s other things making my mood worse.  Tomorrow I will have to keep a check on my tongue as I can see me telling two people a few home truths.

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