living with depression

depression

Other couples have a party, go out for a meal or go away, celebrate but not us we are at home not doing anything special. I know Rick has ordered me a special ring which I am quite happy to wait for. It’s just the not doing something special so it feels like a let down as we have been talking about doing something special.

My mood has improved a bit although living with someone who also suffers with depression it hasn’t helped. Some days I have ended up in tears because Rick’s mood has been so bad. We have also had to deal with another particularly nasty character in the Shildon shop this time.

I’m just glad we are getting away for a few days soon.

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It feels like we are never getting time to rest or have a break which is sad. We were away a month ago yet it seems much longer ago.

I am on a losing battle with depression with anxiety levels going through the roof and OCD symptons creeping back into my daily life. It’s been under control for quite a while and need to see my doctor but feel too exhausted to make an appointment.

Little highlights in my life are having two crazy kittens who are siblings of Jacob, a little girl who comes into one of our shops and looking forward to my sister’s 60th birthday. We will be staying down south for the weekend so we intend to make the most of it.

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The 3rd August is one of those anniversaries I hate as it’s my son’s birthday. I didn’t mention it to anybody on Friday and kept busy instead. Saturday was busy as we’ve organised a weekly boot sale at a local pub so was there for several hours. We had a good day though and yesterday we went to Whitby for the day. It was a beautiful day and we both caught the sun – we’ve both got a tan as the summer has been hot.

My mood is still up and down so I prefer to keep busy. It’s hard to keep up with things to stop my mind from dwelling on what makes me sad.

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…. and there is no rest for decent people trying to do the best job possible.

Last year we suffered at the hands of the tenant who lived above the shop we volunteer at and her stupid mates. She made the mistake of getting involved with someone she had gone to school with. We warned her not to get involved with him as he is trouble, her dad warned her as did a number of people who know his reputation. He threatened her one day so she split from him and he decided it was a good idea to smash the shop windows. The man was arrested soon afterwards and stupidly denied this until he was shown CCTV footage proving he had smashed the windows. He was charged and went to court a couple of weeks later where he was ordered to pay us compensation which will take about two years to pay.

The next night the tenant took an overdose so the police broke in the street door and the flat door. When the shop was burgled a few months previously the burglar(s) didn’t do much damage compared to the police. We had booked a holiday months before from the 23rd April 2017 so we weren’t happy. In the meantime the windows and doors were dealt with and the tenant got new keys. Five days later she took another overdose and we were obviously still away.

After that the brother of the idiot who smashed the shop windows smashed one of the shop windows then on another day broke one of the flat windows. Almost a year on the only insurance that has been paid out is for the flat window.

We came to an arrangement to pay the glazing firm who came out twice but he still took us to court. We offered to pay him £10 a week minimum which he agreed to by email and through the court. This was fine then he decided to take the case to the county court so we went to speak to the bailiff after receiving correspondence. He rang the glazier who admitted after being asked five times if there was an arrangement in place. The bailiff told him that he couldn’t do this to us as there is an agreement in place so it didn’t go anywhere. The lying shyster then went to the high court and we, again, received correspondence so the county court dealt with it and as far as we were concerned that was that.

We came on holiday on Monday and on Thursday we got a phone call as a bailiff was there demanding we pay £1,861 or he would ‘shut us down’ and ‘change the locks’. A bailiff cannot do this if there is a dispute, which there is, and the volunteers should have challenged this. We aren’t disputing there is a debt but what we are disputing is the amount owed. What should have happened was I paid the remaining debt owed but not costs.

The glazier is a liar and what he has done is fraudulent. I can’t prove that we have made payments, it’s in the court paperwork that it has been agreed that we pay £10 pw and at the time we didn’t think to tell the other volunteers to search for the email I printed off where he accepted payments of £10 pw. It has caused me so much distress I would rather be dead than alive. I haven’t done anything wrong, I have kept the glazier informed of what’s happening and I have been making payments to the man. All because he regrets accepting my offer he is making my life a living hell.

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Last week the weather was bad as we had snow. I like seeing the snow but not for too lomg and last week it felt like the snow would be here forever. My mood has been fluctuating partly because of the snow and too much darkness and also because the solicitor dealing with my dad’s will seems to be pulling her finger out.

On Monday I had my arm twisted to travel down to Essex yesterday. I knew it was a bad idea as we weren’t in a position to stay overnight but the solicitor wanted to see I.D.. Both of ua were in discomfort by the time we got down there and I had a painful ache in my right calf. It didn’t take long in the solicitor reception then we went to Tesco at Lakeside for something to eat and a quick look round before coming home. As I had so much pain in my right calf I sat in the back of the car as it was the only way I could get my leg comfortable.

Today we have both felt tired and haven’t wanted to do much. This evening I have struggled with dozing off which hasn’t helped.

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Another new year is here and I hope it will be much better than last year. Unfortunately a friend has already been predictable with being obnoxious. I really hate adults behaving like children …..

Added to that I’ve had not so great (medical) news which isn’t serious but I will be glad when it’s been dealt with. It’s just another thing that annoys me about this friend who uses pain / health as a reason for not doing much. The friend knows Rick and I have osteoarthritis as one of the health issues we deal with yet it doesn’t stop us from living to our best ability.

I am tired of life, tired of a friend taking advantage, tired of not having enough hours in the day, and tired of being tired all of the time. I want to get back to enjoying life. My problem is not knowing any more how to help myself feel better. All I have is my faith.

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I hate the vicious cycle of my mood getting better then a trigger setting me back. Lately there has been a friend who has been pushing my buttons so badly that anger has been very close to the surface. It goes beyond the normal type of anger that people feel at times. My anger has been verging on rage which scares the heck out of me and I keep telling the friend not to push me that far. I really don’t ‘get’ people like that although it has been a long time since anybody has pushed me that far.

We have joined up with the local leisure centre for a few reasons;
we want to lose weight
get fitter
it’s a great way for me to channel my anger
it improves my mood.

I am so fed up with being told by doctors, when I go to surgery, to lose weight, me telling him or her I am trying but am putting on weight. Since I made the decision to lose weight I have put on 8 kilos which has made my depression worse. I am waiting for counselling which I am hoping with all my heart will be the turnaround. The only time I seem to be happy is when we are at home and the pets are close by. They all pick up on my mood and know how to make me feel calm. As I am typing our neighbour’s cat is on the back of my chair. She is beautiful and very calming.

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There isn’t a better way to express how I am feeling as each day feels worse than the day before. I hate feeling miserable, tearful, short tempered with one person and tired all of the time. What is adding to my very low mood is the pain in my hips. At the moment the only line open to me potentially is steroid injections as I know physiotherapy is only temporary solution. My hips aren’t bad enough for me to have hip replacements so my choice is to put up with the pain.

My fear may be irrational where steroid injections are concerned but I saw the problems my Mum had. She was asthmatic all of her life and was eventually offered steroids as a way to potentially improve her life. A side effect was bloating and weight gain which I knew got her down as it was something beyond her control unless she chose to cut them out of her life. A number of years ago I did have a steroid injection in my right wrist and should have had two more but I couldn’t go through with having all three.

My depression is an ever decreasing circle where my good days are getting fewer. Wearing a mask is the one way that I can keep people at arm’s length as they think I’m hapy.

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Highlight of my year has been going to Wemyss Bay for a week at the beginning of November for a week. We went two days before my birthday which made it more special. Having Cassie was a good excuse to make sure we walked regularly. On the Saturday we went over to Cumbrae as we had enjoyed the trip over last year. This time we went over by foot having forgotten how far away Millport was from where the ferry docked and we didn’t have enough cash to get on the bus. It took us two hours so we were exhausted but Cassie loved the walk. I went to the post office and got some cash out so that we could get the bus back then had a look round the shops.

This year we also went to Bute but took the car this time. The island is bigger than Cumbrae and Rothesay is also a bigger town than Millport. Cassie enjoyed being there as well although I’m not so sure she liked the ferry. It was lovely to meet up with friends who live in Paisley, we have known them for a few years now and we had a lovely meal in Largs.

Going to Embo (north of Inverness) was beautiful and our caravan was virtually on the beach so we had a lovely view. Unfortunately we were on edge as our now ex tenant brought trouble to the shop which got worse after we got home. I would like to go up that way again though.

My hips are getting worse and I’m having x-rays done tomorrow, I am still severely depressed and we are still waiting to get the insurance through from when various windows were smashed at the year earlier this year. It is horrible trying to be happy on the surface when Rick and I have suffered with some issues for about 18 months for a different reason. I wish we could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

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The latest in the long running saga a family making our lives miserable is having the flat front middle window smashed. It is a double glazed unit and only the outer window was smashed but still needs a new unit in. I don’t know how much longer we can keep going on like this. To date the damage amounts to:

Three shop windows being smashed
The street door smashed beyond repair
The flat door needing to be repaired
Flat dooor glass being smashed
Landing (of flat) window smashed
Middle window of shop smashed
Now the flat window.

The damage to the doors was caused by the police because of the tenant overdosing so we can’t even claim of the insurance for that. The police paid half towards the doors as a good will gesture but doesn’t make us feel any better. We are still waitng for the insurance for the first lot of damage and that’s dating back to the 20th April that the windows first got smashed. I have very little faith left in the insurance company.

My faith in the police is now non-existent due to the lack of anything they can do. Fair enough when the second window was smashed nobody could say for definite who was to blame although we have a good idea who it was. The first time we had the CCTV so that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt. The third and fouth time we had CCTV footage but the person had a hood on and the last he also had his face covered. Despite us knowing who it is and the police knowing as well that’s not good enough so the thug is getting away with it.

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