living with depression

died

The past few weeks have been difficult due to the stress we’ve been put through by one family. I can’t remember when the last time I didn’t feel tired. The past week has been easier as I’ve spent more time at home so I have had time to get our home tidier.

The worst time of the week was on Wednesday as we took friends to an appointment in Newton Aycliffe. While we were waiting for them to come out we had a phone call from our friend Stewart to let us know that Tinkerbelle had died. We were completely shocked as she wasn’t quite 3 years old. When we got home I went to see Tinkerbelle who had been placed in a box and covered with a quilt in our backgarden. There wasn’t a mark on her which confirmed what was already suspected that it was natural causes even though she had appeared fit. Myself, Rick and a few others suspect it could have been Diabetes as Tinkerbelle had been eating and drinking a lot but wasn’t a big or fat cat. Earlier this year we had taken her to the vets due to her drinking and being sick. We were told to keep her on a specific diet and see how she went and Tinkerbelle stopped being sick. It’s really upset us and our neighbours as Tinkerbelle was loved so much.
Rest in peace our little Tinkerbella – we went through so much from bottle feeding you from two weeks old, your neck problems which we constantly bathed for months, being ill this year and now holding you in our hearts.

The best time of this week has been getting a kitten whom we have named Grace. We had been talking to a lady in Tesco a few weeks ago who told us her cat had had five kittens so we said we would have one. She rang us last Saturday asking if we still wanted one. Rick told her we would be round on Sunday as we were out – we were and on our way to Keswick. The lady asked if we could take all five so we agreed as we didn’t think it would be hard to rehome them all. Our friend didn’t take any persuasion to decide to keep one as the little angel snuggled into his neck. By Wednesday afternoon the other three were rehomed. I am still getting telephone calls and texts asking if we have any left even though we have made it clear that there aren’t any left.
Our newest little angel.

Our two other furbabies Tasha and Cassie have been great with Grace who is a typical little kitten by eating, sleeping and racing all over the place. I am just wondering how long it will before my legs and hands are ripped to shreds by one little kitty….

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We had a bad start to the week as our neighbour had her cat, Bella, put down on Sunday. For the past three years Bella has suffered with fur loss during the winter months but recently it has been much worse. The crazy thing is she has been a happy little soul, eating well although becoming very clingy. Our home was her second home and that included eating here. The neighbour told me that the vet told her that it might have been a mite problem or more likely she was very stressed and was lickng excessively. She told the vet she couldn’t bear to see Bella suffer or have to keep giving Bella steroids so the vet agreed to Bella being put to sleep. It’s going to take time to get used to not seeing one beautiful little cat again.

Monday started off as reasonably good day and in the evening I was out with friends. We are all volunteers at the Shildon Methodist Church lunch club and at Christmas we were given £40 from the lunch club members as a ‘thank you’ for what we have done over the year. It was mutually agreed that we would go to the civic in Shildon for a meal. We had a good evening although the service was slow but it was just good to be out. Towards the end of our meal Rick rang and told me it was urgent for to get home. I had just got my dessert so I told him I would get home as soon as possible. He rang again just as I was getting ready to go home so I speeded up my departure. When I got home Rick told me there was no easy way to tell me the news and started with saying ‘The Lord giveth and Lord taketh away.’

I just looked at him and said, ‘My Dad is dead.’

Apparantly my sister had tried ringing me first but we were out all day. I got home before Rick as I was going out and was out by about 6.15 pm. Anyway I rang my sister who told me that our Dad hadn’t been too well on Sunday and she had taken him to the hospital that morning. She had checked with him before they had their dinner as our Dad went to her and my brother-in-law’s each Sunday for his dinner but he said he didn’t feel too good. On Monday my sister went to see our Dad and found him dead on the kitchen floor. He had got up and dressed as he was a man of routine. My sister believes it happened quickly and we both know that’s the way he would have wanted to go.

On Tuesday we took our Tinkerbelle to the vets as our neighbour decided to tell me that the little angel has been sick six times over a two week period. Fortunately she is healthy and we have bought cat food (wet and dry) to help her stomach and digestion. I spoke to our neighbour over the phone and told her that we were going to start on a special diet with Tinkerbelle. I asked her not to feed our little angel and to let another neighbour know as well as she adores cats and spoils her two and our little Tinker.

We kept Tinkerbelle in over night as Rick was going back to the vets this morning to get her micro chipped. We got home before our neighbour so when I knew she was home I returned her cat box. I reinforced what the vet said to us about Tinkerbelle’s diet and that we wanted her to just have the diet we are giving her. The neighbour wasn’t happy and told me there was nothing wrong with the food she gives Tinker and it was probably food that Tinker was eating outside. I made it quite clear that I wanted Tinkerbelle to just eat what we give her as it will be much better for her. Then I told her that Rick wasn’t happy with her keeping Tinkerbelle in. They fell out before Christmas as the neighbour took offense to the way Rick spoke to her when he disconnected her washing machine. I could see both points of view although I didn’t see why Rick should apologise as she knew we were busy on the day in question. One day the neighbour came to our home to sort the situation out but she made it worse and she swore at Rick. They haven’t spoken to each other since then.

When I told her that we don’t her keeping Tinkerbelle in she became angry and asked how she was supposed to keep Tinkerbelle out. I told her we don’t mind our furbaby going to visit her but we didn’t want Tinkerbelle spending so much time in there. She then accused Rick of being a big kid and told me to go, take my cat and keep her in. I was shocked but kept polite and told her I would go which I was going to do anyway. Yet the other neighbour who had a chat with me before I went in and fully understood why we wanted to keep Tinker on a certain diet. It has really upset me as she knows that my Dad has died and there was no need for her awful attitude. Rick told me not let it upset me but he does understand why I am.

I am thankful that I have real friends who are being supportive. Not all of them are even in this country so that makes it even more special.

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For weeks now I have been severely depressed, suicidal but managing not to self harm.  I am getting very snappy simply beause I’m so depressed.  When I see friends my smiling mask is on my face and simply telling that I am having good days and bad days.  If they knew the truth they would be very worried about me which I don’t want as they have enough on their plates.

Last week we heard very sad news.  An aquaintance suffered burns due to his house being on fire and his dog died from smoke inhalation.  We don’t know if he knows his dog died and he is in an induced coma at the Newcastle Hospital intensive care.  A good friend is giving us information when she gets it – Rick had let her know as she does help this person.  Nobody can visit at the moment and we are worried about his mental health when he is awake.  It was awful seeing him pain when he had have his other dog put to sleep on the grounds of being ill, suffering and being old.  He knew it was the right decision.  I’m glad it was us who were with him as we understand exactly how he felt.  I enjoy the freedom we have but I still miss all of our dogs as they knew our moods and how to help us feel better.

I just want to get out of this very dark place.  My appetite is bad and I am eating all the things I shouldn’t.  We did some shopping earlier and I bought food that is good for me.

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Monday night Rick suffered bad pain in his chest and thought it was an angina attack.  By 10 pm it was that bad he rang 111 and an ambulance car arrived.  The medic did an ECT then another ambulance turned up so one of the medics looked at it then said they would take him to James Cook University  Hospital.  I followed up in the car.  By the time I arrived there Rick was already in the theatre so a nurse kindly got me a cup of tea and some biscuits.  Soon after Rick was back on the ward and found out he had had a stent put in an artery.

A couple of years ago Rick knew he had a blocked artery and had been in to see if the surgeon could get a stent.  It couldn’t be done though but this time it was a different artery and a stent was put in.  Basically Rick had a heart attack. I went home to get some sleep and I got home by about 2.30 am.  By about 10 am I was back at the hospital to keep Rick company.  During the morning he had an x-ray taken of his chest.  At 2 pm I went home home to catch up on sleep but I knew a friend was going to visit in the evening.  I didn’t get much rest as I was getting so many telephone.  It did me some good knowing so many people care.  This morning I got to the hospital about 9.15 am.  Shortly afterwards Rick was taken for a scan and while he was off the ward a cardiac nurse turned up with informatiom.  Rick was brought backed before she left so she was able togo through every thing again.

After a while a doctor came into the room and told Rick that there has been some damage to his heart.  However she did say he could come home.  When we got back the phone calls started again which I am appreciating as people do care.  I was devastated to hear that a friend had died in her sleep.  It sounds like she just fell asleep and died so it was quick.

Over the past couple of days I have felt angry, upset, tired, numb and devastated.  It is difficult to cope and I have been knocked sideways.  The important thing is Rick is home.

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