living with depression

faith

Another new year is here and I hope it will be much better than last year. Unfortunately a friend has already been predictable with being obnoxious. I really hate adults behaving like children …..

Added to that I’ve had not so great (medical) news which isn’t serious but I will be glad when it’s been dealt with. It’s just another thing that annoys me about this friend who uses pain / health as a reason for not doing much. The friend knows Rick and I have osteoarthritis as one of the health issues we deal with yet it doesn’t stop us from living to our best ability.

I am tired of life, tired of a friend taking advantage, tired of not having enough hours in the day, and tired of being tired all of the time. I want to get back to enjoying life. My problem is not knowing any more how to help myself feel better. All I have is my faith.

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Emotionally I have had a bad start to the year and I am finding it hard to ‘snap out’ of it.  The stress from last year hasn’t had it’s conclusion which hasn’t helped my mood plus my own worries have added to this.  If I had the energy I would lose the will to live but I am always tired and struggle to motivate myself to do anything.  There is plenty for me to do at home plus even more for me to do at the shop I vo;unteer at.  A thorn in our sides is back to wanting to speak to us every day about his website so I have been given the ‘job’ of liaising with him.  I don’t to deal with him in particular so I will only do this for so long.

On top of everything else we have been meeting up with another couple with the view of starting up a new church.  In principle it is a good idea, the snag is the husband.  He is very controlling of his wife who is a lovely lady as he believes husbands are the head of the household and have the control over everything.   This man is probably using a few quotes from the bible to escuse himself to his wife such as the following:

1 Timothy 2:11-15 ESV – 11 Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve; 14 and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. 15 Yet she will be saved through childbearing if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

Ephesians 5:22 ESV – 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

1 Timothy 2:12 ESV – 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.

He certainly doesn’t approve of me being an equal partner in our marriage and believes that eventually we will ‘pay’ for our mistakes (sin?).  We don’t agree as our lives have been made better because of our choices.  Whilst the bible is as relevent today as when it was written the world is a different place to what it was 2,000 years ago.  He is definitely taking the bible too literally.

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shine

I have tried so hard over the past week to post again but couldn’t find the words to write.  The person who has hurt me has used Rick as the target and has hurt him even worse.  What this person has done is disgusting and could have destroyed both of us.  I should forgive this person but I can’t at the moment as it’s still too raw and more to the point I don’t want to.  One day I will.  Right now I can’t.

I have retreated as far as I can into my shell.

I feel dirty.

Violated.

Disgusted.

Angry.

I don’t want to trust anybody any more.

I can’t verbally explain the pain I feel.

I am angry to the point of wanting to explode.

I want to cry.

I am going through the motions.

My life is a living hell.

But.

I am thankful for friends I know I can trust when I am ready to live again.  My faith is giving me something to grip onto but I am scared that I will let go as I’m so tired.

All was going well for us.

We have enjoyed our daily life.

Life had a meaning.

I was happy keeping busy and spending time with people I like and respect.

Rick has enjoyed what has been doing, still doing in part.

All it took to destroy our happiness was one person’s vicious words.  We are the victims with Rick being the main victim which hurts even more as I can’t make him feel better.  I can’t put the world to rights for him.  Where is the justice for him?

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god will carry

This week has become a blur.  On Monday morning we down at the Valley M. C. for quiet time and for the men to get on with odd jobs.  Duncan turned up with Molly who was her usual happy self.  She is the kind of dog that makes life worth living.

The Tuesday lunch club was was a good day.  I enjoy serving the food as the people are very appreciative.   Cynthia still wasn’t sure if we were going to have fresh or frozen brussel sprouts so she said she would give me a ring.

Wednesday morning Cynthia rang up to let me know I could go in to do the brussel sprouts.  She had already done half of them so it didn’t take long to do the rest.  Cynthia had also asked me to peel carrots if I didn’t mind but nobody could find them.  It was a good morning though as other people were in the building so I was able to have a chat everytime someone came into the kitchen.

Yesterday was a long day which I was expecting as it was my third year of being in the kitchen.  I got in half an hour early just to get a head start on the potatoes and Catherine got in a bit earlier as well.  Fortunately we had extra help with other volunteers coming into the kitchen when needed.  It was funny when Peter got the volunteers down to the hall so we could receive our presents.  I wore my ‘santa’ hat which has Ho! Ho! Ho! and I turned the button on so the hat had lights flashing.  Peter said “Our Pip has been flashing all morning …” which caused laughter.  It was an innocent comment but it was the way he said it that was so funny.  I stayed for my dinner although I did leave earlier than the others.

The Valley M. C. had it’s annual carol singing rond the streets in Eldon Lane and Close House for Save the Children again.  I made it quite clear that I was willing to walk round but I was taking it easy.  My whole body was aching so I was glad to get home.  When I went to bed I realized I had forgotten to take my tablets but was too tired to get up and take them.  I slept badly which I put down to being in so much pain and being over tired.

I really didn’t feel like going to the Shildon M. C. lunch club but didn’t want to let Joan down.  It was much easier than yesterday as we only had about 30 to cook for including us.  There was much more washing up to do though as there was extra food including sausages wrapped in bacon.

Rick wanted to get out for a little while after I got home so I cooked him a quick meal before going out.  Again I felt too achy to do much but it was worth having a look round a couple of shops.

I am relieved that I have two weeks off now to relax.  It’s been a long year with little rest.  It’s added to my mood being low whereas it used to help because it kept my mind occupied.

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