living with depression

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Highlight of my year has been going to Wemyss Bay for a week at the beginning of November for a week. We went two days before my birthday which made it more special. Having Cassie was a good excuse to make sure we walked regularly. On the Saturday we went over to Cumbrae as we had enjoyed the trip over last year. This time we went over by foot having forgotten how far away Millport was from where the ferry docked and we didn’t have enough cash to get on the bus. It took us two hours so we were exhausted but Cassie loved the walk. I went to the post office and got some cash out so that we could get the bus back then had a look round the shops.

This year we also went to Bute but took the car this time. The island is bigger than Cumbrae and Rothesay is also a bigger town than Millport. Cassie enjoyed being there as well although I’m not so sure she liked the ferry. It was lovely to meet up with friends who live in Paisley, we have known them for a few years now and we had a lovely meal in Largs.

Going to Embo (north of Inverness) was beautiful and our caravan was virtually on the beach so we had a lovely view. Unfortunately we were on edge as our now ex tenant brought trouble to the shop which got worse after we got home. I would like to go up that way again though.

My hips are getting worse and I’m having x-rays done tomorrow, I am still severely depressed and we are still waiting to get the insurance through from when various windows were smashed at the year earlier this year. It is horrible trying to be happy on the surface when Rick and I have suffered with some issues for about 18 months for a different reason. I wish we could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Sunday morning Rick and I had a heated discussion on whether I had cleaned out the rabbits run or not on Saturday afternoon.  I was in the bathroom at the time so told him to go and ask Lyn if I had.  He wouldn’t give it a rest about the amount of hay in the run so eventually I told Rick to take it up with the rabbits.  Lyn and I laughed about it on the way up to Seaham.

The night before  we had been to an Elvis Tribute night at the Durham Ox in Coundon with her friends Denise and Angela.  It was a very enjoyable night out, the pub has a friendly atmosphere and the young man was very good.  He is a Romanian called Eddy Popescu and the first time he heard an Elvis song was when he was 16 – he’s about 30 now.  Eddy looks very much like a young Elvis and sounds like him … the best Elvis tribute I have ever heard.

Yesterday there was a sad funeral for a 6 year old boy who died of cancer.  His parents and some of the mourners were dressed as super heroes, and, a group of boys were dressed as storm troopers.  The rear of the procession was a group of bikers.  Friends who were at the funeral (we didn’t know the boy or his family) said it was very emotional as well as a lovely service.  No funeral is pleasant but it seems that every effort to make it a memorable day.

Last night I went along to the friends in fellowship monthly meeting.  It was a good evening and we had a cream tea so we all suffered with a sugar rush.  It was a lovely treat for a few of us as we are diabetics.

I am still having bad days but they are getting easier.  Most of the time I am feeling tired but when I go to bed I struggle to get to sleep then have a restless night.

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Monday night Rick suffered bad pain in his chest and thought it was an angina attack.  By 10 pm it was that bad he rang 111 and an ambulance car arrived.  The medic did an ECT then another ambulance turned up so one of the medics looked at it then said they would take him to James Cook University  Hospital.  I followed up in the car.  By the time I arrived there Rick was already in the theatre so a nurse kindly got me a cup of tea and some biscuits.  Soon after Rick was back on the ward and found out he had had a stent put in an artery.

A couple of years ago Rick knew he had a blocked artery and had been in to see if the surgeon could get a stent.  It couldn’t be done though but this time it was a different artery and a stent was put in.  Basically Rick had a heart attack. I went home to get some sleep and I got home by about 2.30 am.  By about 10 am I was back at the hospital to keep Rick company.  During the morning he had an x-ray taken of his chest.  At 2 pm I went home home to catch up on sleep but I knew a friend was going to visit in the evening.  I didn’t get much rest as I was getting so many telephone.  It did me some good knowing so many people care.  This morning I got to the hospital about 9.15 am.  Shortly afterwards Rick was taken for a scan and while he was off the ward a cardiac nurse turned up with informatiom.  Rick was brought backed before she left so she was able togo through every thing again.

After a while a doctor came into the room and told Rick that there has been some damage to his heart.  However she did say he could come home.  When we got back the phone calls started again which I am appreciating as people do care.  I was devastated to hear that a friend had died in her sleep.  It sounds like she just fell asleep and died so it was quick.

Over the past couple of days I have felt angry, upset, tired, numb and devastated.  It is difficult to cope and I have been knocked sideways.  The important thing is Rick is home.

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