living with depression

funeral

My Dad’s funeral went as well as could be expected and the weather was beautiful. It was hard saying “goodbye” but I know he has gone to a better place, isn’t suffering and with my Mum. It was good to catch up with people that I haven’t seen for 6 years, except for one of my cousins whom I haven’t seen since our Nanna’s funeral. I enjoyed holding the newest edition to the family who was 17 days old on the day of the funeral. It brought back memories of my nieces when they were babies and the second youngest who is 7 months old arrived a little while later. We got to see the three great nieces and great nephew before leaving which made my day. All six children are beautiful and the older ones were well behaved for the short time we saw them.

I appreciated my sister giving me the family bible which I will always cherish. It brings back good memories which is how I want to remember my Dad. My sister’s one request is that it is either donated to a church or kept within the family which is an easy one to honour. She gave me three old photographs which includes one of our parents on their honeymoon. My sister found three of my reports from primary school which made me smile and I have them along with some books, glass tray with a dish and lid, candle holder and ring holder, an ornament that we bought for my parents, a glass ashtray and a ltter holder with a letter opener knife. Most have good memories but most of the books are ones I want to read, other than the bible the only other book I remember is one of newspaper articles from WW1. It felt as if the big bust up we had years ago hadn’t happened. I always have loved my sister but I just didn’t like her for a while and it was a typical ‘the longer we didn’t communicate the harder it got.’ We have sent text messages and mewssages through Facebook which has been great.

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It was a relieve to find out the my sister was able to book the funeral as we need to say our ‘goodbyes’ to our Dad. An autopsy was done which upset me a bit as he was elderly, frail and had his health worries. My sister asked me if I wanted to view my Dad’s body but I can’t face that and I want my memories of my Dad to be the good ones. I have mentioned to Rick that it feels a bit wierd that I haven’t dreamed about my Dad. When my Mum died I had dreams about her, still do, but none with my Dad.

This past week has been a bit different to the norm. Our budgie died aged about 7 so survived his ‘friend’ by 3 1/2 years and it does feel strange not having a bird in our home. On the other hand our youngest cat, Tinkerbelle, ‘chose’ to live at our neighbour’s home and the neighbour’s cat, Bella, moved in with us. We have a cat flap which Bella liked as it meant she could come and go as she pleased. Another neighbours cat, Sooty, also visits and I have a bowl of cat biscuits down permantly for him.

There were issues when Bella was put down and we got Tinkerbelle to the vets because she had sick several times. We knew the neighbour was keeping our furbaby in when she was at home but then I found out she had been locking Tinkerbelle in when she went out. Neither Rick or myself were happy about that. We knew Bella could get out of our home if she was in when we went out but that is completely different to locking a cat in. I let the neighbour know that Tinkerbelle was on a special diet and not to keep her in all of the time so we could feed her. There was an uproar and I was told we ‘were being cruel’ to Tinkerbelle by not letting her stay in the neighbour’s home. I made it quite clear we didn’t mind Tinkerbelle visiting but not to be kept in for so long. Now our lil Tinkerbelle, ‘who chose a new home’, is back to her normal self, loves curling up by my feet, spends quite a bit of time with us and hasn’t been sick. She still goes to see our neighbour but doesn’t attempt to go in.

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I know the problem is I haven’t stopped and desperately need a break but can’t step back as I enjoy what I do.

On Saturday it was our Christmas Fayre and as usual I was in the kitchen.  We had an extra person helping.  This person was well meaning but managed to get on our nerves.  I was glad to get home.

Today was Sylvia’s funeral which went well.  It was very sad that she didn’t have any family to be there for her.  We went to the cemetary for the last part and it was at the point that I finally cried.  It was hard on so many people as she was loved and liked.

Messy church still went on this afternoon as it was arranged and children did turn up.  It good that more children were there this time.  Children are a lovely distraction when I am unhappy.

I am tired but struggle to get to sleep.  I am eating for no better reason than food is there.  My concentration has gone completely.  I wish I didn’t have to do anything, leave home, be polite …. just cut myself off from the outside.  I am tired of wearing a mask

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