living with depression

hospital

For weeks now I have been severely depressed, suicidal but managing not to self harm.  I am getting very snappy simply beause I’m so depressed.  When I see friends my smiling mask is on my face and simply telling that I am having good days and bad days.  If they knew the truth they would be very worried about me which I don’t want as they have enough on their plates.

Last week we heard very sad news.  An aquaintance suffered burns due to his house being on fire and his dog died from smoke inhalation.  We don’t know if he knows his dog died and he is in an induced coma at the Newcastle Hospital intensive care.  A good friend is giving us information when she gets it – Rick had let her know as she does help this person.  Nobody can visit at the moment and we are worried about his mental health when he is awake.  It was awful seeing him pain when he had have his other dog put to sleep on the grounds of being ill, suffering and being old.  He knew it was the right decision.  I’m glad it was us who were with him as we understand exactly how he felt.  I enjoy the freedom we have but I still miss all of our dogs as they knew our moods and how to help us feel better.

I just want to get out of this very dark place.  My appetite is bad and I am eating all the things I shouldn’t.  We did some shopping earlier and I bought food that is good for me.

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Since being back from our holiday I have been feeling stressed again.  It has been good to see our friend improve and be back to her old self again although eating well has probably helped.  Getting her to church on Sunday morning was fantastic and seeing everybody go to her made my day.  One thing puzzled us was finding out she could be going home on Wednesday so we got to the bottom off it when we took her back to the ward.  All the way through it’s been on our friend’s notes right from the start that we were to be included in discussions as she and her family all have special needs.  She, in particular, needs everything explained simply otherwise she doesn’t understand.  Her daughter and grandchildren understand but sometimes they do ask questions which we are happy to answer even if it means getting a member of staff to explain.

With our friend’s first social worker she realized fairly quickly that our friend thinks a lot of us so was willing to talk to us.  She knew we have our friend’s best interests a top priority so said we would be included in a meeting before our friend goes home.  Unfortunately this didn’t happen as there has been a change of social worker who, in his wisdom, thought it was okay to discuss the care plan with our friend.  The ward sister believed that our friend has understood and there was no need for us to be there but found out very quickly that this isn’t the case.  Rick asked our friend what the care plan is in front of the sister and she said “I don’t know,” as she doesn’t remember.

Rick brought up issues and I raised my concern that our friend wouldn’t eat properly, then explained about rotten food and out of date food being chucked out by her daughter.  I also mentioned that I had to bin rotten food as well and would need to go through our friend’s cupboards and fridge when she got home.  The ward sister understood then that we know what we are talking about, our friend will need extra support and she said she would talk to the social worker with the points we have raised.

On a lighter note we have got two baby rabbits which we bought on Saturday morning.  They are sisters and we saw the parents who are beautiful, I have called them Cagney and Lacy.  They are solely my responsibility.  That doesn’t bother me as I’m the one who feeds the cats and fed the dogs despite the agreement when we got our first kitten and puppy that the dog was Rick’s responsibility.  Our first dog decided I was the one who fed him so if Rick put down food for him I would have to tell him to go and eat it.  Rick’s mum always laughed about it and would comment that if she hadn’t seen it for herself she wouldn’t have believed it.  One night Rick took Bouncer to his mother’s one night and he wouldn’t eat the food that was put down so Rick rang me and I told Bouncer to eat his food.  When Bouncer heard my voice he went to the kitchen and ate.

The rabbits are very cuddly and love snuggling into us so it has been easy to get attached.

Rick and Cagney Philippa and Lacey

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sad

Monday night Rick suffered bad pain in his chest and thought it was an angina attack.  By 10 pm it was that bad he rang 111 and an ambulance car arrived.  The medic did an ECT then another ambulance turned up so one of the medics looked at it then said they would take him to James Cook University  Hospital.  I followed up in the car.  By the time I arrived there Rick was already in the theatre so a nurse kindly got me a cup of tea and some biscuits.  Soon after Rick was back on the ward and found out he had had a stent put in an artery.

A couple of years ago Rick knew he had a blocked artery and had been in to see if the surgeon could get a stent.  It couldn’t be done though but this time it was a different artery and a stent was put in.  Basically Rick had a heart attack. I went home to get some sleep and I got home by about 2.30 am.  By about 10 am I was back at the hospital to keep Rick company.  During the morning he had an x-ray taken of his chest.  At 2 pm I went home home to catch up on sleep but I knew a friend was going to visit in the evening.  I didn’t get much rest as I was getting so many telephone.  It did me some good knowing so many people care.  This morning I got to the hospital about 9.15 am.  Shortly afterwards Rick was taken for a scan and while he was off the ward a cardiac nurse turned up with informatiom.  Rick was brought backed before she left so she was able togo through every thing again.

After a while a doctor came into the room and told Rick that there has been some damage to his heart.  However she did say he could come home.  When we got back the phone calls started again which I am appreciating as people do care.  I was devastated to hear that a friend had died in her sleep.  It sounds like she just fell asleep and died so it was quick.

Over the past couple of days I have felt angry, upset, tired, numb and devastated.  It is difficult to cope and I have been knocked sideways.  The important thing is Rick is home.

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