living with depression

ocd

It feels like we are never getting time to rest or have a break which is sad. We were away a month ago yet it seems much longer ago.

I am on a losing battle with depression with anxiety levels going through the roof and OCD symptons creeping back into my daily life. It’s been under control for quite a while and need to see my doctor but feel too exhausted to make an appointment.

Little highlights in my life are having two crazy kittens who are siblings of Jacob, a little girl who comes into one of our shops and looking forward to my sister’s 60th birthday. We will be staying down south for the weekend so we intend to make the most of it.

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Depression does get that bad that I barely function on a daily basis.  At home I can get away with being like that but when I am out volunteering have had my ‘wobbly’ moments as the people I’m with care.  I simply ‘put on my mask’ and come out with some excuse such as I’m tired but would rather keep busy than go home early.

My minister is good at frustrating the heck out of me at times and over the past couple of days she has done that.  A few of us need to have a meeting and she knows that I’m in the lunch time twice a week – she doesn’t know I do a third one – yet she has insisted that the meeting has to be on Thursday morning of next week.  Now I have been severely depressed for about a year now with very few good days in between. The email sent me into a mini rant of why should I be forced to go in late.  My minister suggested, in the email, that I swapped with another volunteer but there aren’t any other volunteers for the lunch club.  She knows I go in both days and the only other volunteer that I could have asked to cover me goes in on Thursdays anyway.  I have responded and told her all I could do is let them know in the kitchen I would be late.

My minister doesn’t know about my severe depression, P.T.S.D. and I also suffer with O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder) which is usually well managed.  I don’t know what triggered me to suffer with O.C.D. but it started around the time I started suffering with depression.  I suppose, like suicide attempts and self harming, it is a way I can have control of my life.  My husband has got used to it and at least he knows I can put my hands on anything we or I want except for when he decides to tidy up.   At the lunch club the others have got used to me and my O.C.D. so it has become a bit of teasing time when I decide to ‘colour co-ordinate’ the boards we use or getting the drinking glasses in a certain order or start on something else.  Nobody minds as it doesn’t affect my time in the kitchen doing what I should be doing.  I am thankful that I do have lunch clubs to keep my mind occupied as I do believe I would have physically shut down and not just emotionally shut down.  There are two people within the church who know enough about my depression to keep an eye on me and that I trust enough to talk to if needed.  I also know I can trust either they or my husband will ring the crisis team if  I need that support.

depression

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