living with depression

pain

A few weeks ago I slipped backwards on ice and my left leg bent underneath me.  I had a lovely graze on my knee and suffered the expected discomfort in it.  Unfortunately, my knee hasn’t got any better so I got myself an appointment at my surgery.  I’ve been told I have twisted the tendons and over-extended them so it’s going to take time and I should really be resting it.

A few days ago I rang our local women’s refuge or Women’s Aid as it’s known officially.  A lady had gone to our Bishop Auckland shop as we had donated toys, games, clothes, perfume and some other stuff two years ago.  This time it was a request for clothes as they are getting low on stock so when I rang I told the lady we can help out again and will let them know when we are delivering.  We generally get clothes donated that are in good condition, clean and sometimes still with tags on.  I remember how good it made me feel two years ago so I have already made a hole in all the clothes we have.  Some are being kept at Shildon where I’m based now, some are going to our West Auckland shop, some are being saved for cash for clothes and the fourth ‘pile’ is for the refuge.  All the best clothes are being kept for the shops and the refuge as, whilst I believe mums are grateful for whatever they and their children are given, it’s also nice to be able to have decent quality clothes.  No doubt I will end up putting a few extra things in as well but I am just happy to help.

The downside is where I am so stressed out with everything I need to be doing my temper is on a short fuse.  I’m tired as well so I’m dozing in the afternoons / early evenings or during the evenings then have problems sleeping when I go to bed. 

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Other couples have a party, go out for a meal or go away, celebrate but not us we are at home not doing anything special. I know Rick has ordered me a special ring which I am quite happy to wait for. It’s just the not doing something special so it feels like a let down as we have been talking about doing something special.

My mood has improved a bit although living with someone who also suffers with depression it hasn’t helped. Some days I have ended up in tears because Rick’s mood has been so bad. We have also had to deal with another particularly nasty character in the Shildon shop this time.

I’m just glad we are getting away for a few days soon.

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My mood was improving but this past week it has gone from bad to worse.  I have been overdoing it with the voluntary work which hasn’t helped by a certain volunteer who hasn’t been doing as she has been asked.  To top it all there was no sign off her on Thursday when she should have been picked up and on Friday we found out she had decided to quit.

Wednesday was a long day as we were given donations from a house and then the following two days were busy for me as I was trying to make space downstairs.   I really did need the help so I was exhausted by Friday night.  A friend did come in Friday afternoon to help me for a couple of hours.  She is a lovely lady and whilst she was a great help she didn’t stop talking.  I smiled and put up with it simply because she was actually helping.

Yesterday I had a mini meltdown and couldn’t bear to go into the shop.  Rick and Stewart went in which was a blessed relief for me as I was able to have complete rest for a couple of hours then started tidying at home.  Even then I could have laid in bed all day which is something I haven’t done for many years.

I have also been feeling very sorry for myself and thinking about when I was still living with my parents.  For a long time I couldn’t bear thinking about the past and concentrated on the ‘here and now’.  Over the past week I have been thinking more of the better parts of my life growing up and I do miss those times.  I am having to stop myself from dwelling too much on sadder parts of my life and the mistakes I’ve made.  Too many times I’ve dwelled too long on how I have failed in my life instead of making the most of what I do have.   All I want is a quiet life and enjoy the holidays we have which I do.  I have friends which helps and doing things I haven’t done for a long time such as knitting.

 

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It isn’t exactly a happy start to the new year.  We, particularly Rick, are still suffering because of a mentally ill person – this is the truth ao I’m not being nasty.  This person seems oblivious to the damage done and probably doesn’t care anyway.

I am also suffering because of an accident despite getting a payout from my insurance company.  It didn’t cause physical health problems, it has caused my depression to worsen and I have lost the will to battle back.  There are other issues going on as well such as my health such as constantly being tired which is to do with anaemia, over doing things and not getting enough sleep.

Osteoarthritis is another problem as I am constantly in pain.  I still carry on anyway but it is slowing me up and I hate asking for help due to be independent.  It frustrates the heck out of me and I hate feeling like I am wallowing in self pity.  All I want to do is be able to make the shop a success and I feel like I am getting there for how I want it to look.  Having volunteers who are ‘getting’ the look I want helps.

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shine

I have tried so hard over the past week to post again but couldn’t find the words to write.  The person who has hurt me has used Rick as the target and has hurt him even worse.  What this person has done is disgusting and could have destroyed both of us.  I should forgive this person but I can’t at the moment as it’s still too raw and more to the point I don’t want to.  One day I will.  Right now I can’t.

I have retreated as far as I can into my shell.

I feel dirty.

Violated.

Disgusted.

Angry.

I don’t want to trust anybody any more.

I can’t verbally explain the pain I feel.

I am angry to the point of wanting to explode.

I want to cry.

I am going through the motions.

My life is a living hell.

But.

I am thankful for friends I know I can trust when I am ready to live again.  My faith is giving me something to grip onto but I am scared that I will let go as I’m so tired.

All was going well for us.

We have enjoyed our daily life.

Life had a meaning.

I was happy keeping busy and spending time with people I like and respect.

Rick has enjoyed what has been doing, still doing in part.

All it took to destroy our happiness was one person’s vicious words.  We are the victims with Rick being the main victim which hurts even more as I can’t make him feel better.  I can’t put the world to rights for him.  Where is the justice for him?

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sad dog

Okay, yes dogs always look sad, I should know as I have had four spoilt dogs over the years.

I wonder how many people have woken up this morning feeling sad and lonely this morning.  In fact how many would actually be honest and admit it?

It’s a true statement that you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely.  I have had too many days like this over the years.  Before I was married and from the age of 20 I felt lonely every Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. Christmas Day and Boxing Day was spent with my family yet I felt disjointed from them as if I was in a bubble looking out on them being happy.  On New Year’s Eve, when I chose to be with my family we would go out for a drink then onto a family friends home for a party.  I would put on my happy mask as I was too ashamed to admit I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t enjoying myself.  I didn’t feel part of the family or a friend.  I was expected to be happy because that’s what my family wanted.

No I wasn’t happy.  No I didn’t feel part of the family.  No I didn’t want to lie and fake being happy.  Yes I was a good actor.  I was tired of being accused of being a drama queen, an attention seeker or moody.  Facing up to being severely depressed wasn’t an option.

I wanted my son with me.  I wanted to wake up on Christmas Day and open presents.  I wanted to have fun playing with him on Boxing Day.  I wanted to go to bed on New Year’s Eve knowing the next year was going to better than the last.

If my family ever read this they will probably think the same as they always do that I am selfish, only think of myself and always tried to hurt my family.  It doesn’t that I was expected to be at my sister’s beck and call as the babysitter.  Or that I took my nieces out regularly for a few years.

I was even shocked to find out when I reconnected on Facebook with an old school friend that she considered my parents strict.  But, I would do as I was told, did my homework coming before going out, got home by a set time, went for the type of jobs they wanted for me, even friends were a problem.  My first best friend at the comprehensive school I went to was from a working class family.  My mum wanted me to have middle class friends.  She came round because she knew my friend was well raised and polite.

I grew up in a predominiantly white town so it wasn’t too much of an issue until I got to my  late teens / early 20’s.  Nothing was said directly but I remember feeling uncomfortable with comments along the lines that if a non white person or family moved next door to us we would move.  I couldn’t understand why as my parents had non white friends and polite to those they didn’t know.  I have had non white friends over the years and have lived in towns where white people aren’t the majority. To me they are decent people and have the same values as we do.  Of course there are bad ethnic minority people but not all white people are decent.

End of rant and back on track.

Christmas Day I felt lonely.  That’s sad.  I know Rick loves me.  We had a good day.  We don’t have any worries.  Well.  Except for the bathroom leak.  But.  I felt lonely.  It eased by teatime as two friends were with us for a couple of hours – one is a neighbour and the other one we got to know through church.  I suppose I just miss the Christmas Days when I was young,  I felt loved by all my family and the day was always special.  Although I have always believed in God  the point of Christmas Day got lost in the ecitement.  I miss not having the Christmas Days I had as a child with my son and seeing his excitement.

Boxing Day was also a bad day emotionally.  We went to Hartlepool to have a look round the shops and anxiety hit me like a brick.  We lived in Hartlepool when I ‘found’ my son.  Even though we have been back to Hartlepool over the years we haven’t spent so much time in the town centre.  Memories of better times came flooding back so it was hard not to cry.  It is hard because I know I can’t have that time back again particularly as I can never trust my son again.  He justwanted to use me as nobody else would put up with his bad behaviour again.  It hurts.  I have a son that hates me.  I have a grandson I will never see because of his father,

Today I feel empty.  What do I have to look forward to that will make me whole again?

I put my mask on because I love my husband and cats.

I put my mask when I am at church,

I put my mask on when I do voluntary work.

What I really want to do is put a smile on because I am happy, fulfilled and feel loved.

I know I am loved by Rick.

I know friends like me.

But.

I want to be at least liked by my family.

I will never feel liked or loved by my mum as she passed on in 2011.

I know my dad cares but I am too scared to try and get close to him because of the past.

My sister tolerates me for my dad’s sake.

My nieces don’t want to know me and certainly don’t want to know the truth of my relationship with my family.

I will always be a disappointment to them.

I give up.

I shall do as I always do and hide.

Behind my mask.

aba hn

 

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girl-l-face-mask-sad-cheerful-concept-31570381

Life just feels pointless at the moment and I am just going through the motions.  It takes time for me to get to sleep then when I do I wake up regularly.  Last night wasn’t any different so I am constantly tired.   I no longer get any pleasure out of anything I do yet haven’t got the energy to speak out that I don’t want to do volunteering for the time being.  Even eating is a struggle now and I am losing the will to do even that.  I know I should see my doctor but that feels pointless as well as I’ve already had my anti depressant – Sertraline – increased.  Before that I was on Citalopram which worked for a while then stopped helping so how many times do I have to go back to get my head sorted?

you stole

For too many years I did what I told and kept quiet that I was a mother.  Except.  My parents hoped my son had gone away forever.  He came back but my mother still didn’t want to acknowledge him.  Her only grandson.  My family ‘won’ in the long term.  He and I don’t communicate.  I have a grandson but I’m not allowed to be a grandmother.  It hurts when I know someone becomes a grandparent and they can be one in the real sense.  No matter how I try to put my pain to bed I suffer triggers but I can’t tell anybody.  All I ever wanted was to be a mother to my son.  Instead I hide my pain.  Too many triggers.  Too much pain.  Will it ever end?

grief

Death will be the only healing I will get.  Too many years of being made to feel a bad person.  I was never a good enough daughter for my parents.  I was never a good enough sister for my sister.  Too many years of being the black sheep of the family.  Too many times of being accused of things I hadn’t said or did.  I have made mistakes in my life but why should I be blamed for things I haven’t done?

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