living with depression


I hate the vicious cycle of my mood getting better then a trigger setting me back. Lately there has been a friend who has been pushing my buttons so badly that anger has been very close to the surface. It goes beyond the normal type of anger that people feel at times. My anger has been verging on rage which scares the heck out of me and I keep telling the friend not to push me that far. I really don’t ‘get’ people like that although it has been a long time since anybody has pushed me that far.

We have joined up with the local leisure centre for a few reasons;
we want to lose weight
get fitter
it’s a great way for me to channel my anger
it improves my mood.

I am so fed up with being told by doctors, when I go to surgery, to lose weight, me telling him or her I am trying but am putting on weight. Since I made the decision to lose weight I have put on 8 kilos which has made my depression worse. I am waiting for counselling which I am hoping with all my heart will be the turnaround. The only time I seem to be happy is when we are at home and the pets are close by. They all pick up on my mood and know how to make me feel calm. As I am typing our neighbour’s cat is on the back of my chair. She is beautiful and very calming.


It has been a sad year due to deaths in the family but there have been happy times as well.

My Dad died on the 27th February this year which was made worse for my sister as she was the one who found him. I am glad that we were able to spend time with my sister the evening before the funeral. She took us round to our Dad’s home so we could choose things we would like although I had already asked her if I could have the family bible. I have good memories of it so was happy to agree that the bible was either donated to a church or retained by the family.

At the end of May we rescued a staffie called Cassie who is a very happy dog. She has settled in well and is good with cats. Sadly our little Tinkerbelle died a few days after we got Cassie. She had been poorly throughout her three short years yet was a little angel. I am sure that Tinkerbelle knew she was loved and all the neighbours liked her.

We then got Grace who is a beautiful grey kitten with a white chest, tummy and white ‘toes’ on her hind paws. Grace has such a lovely nature, our friend Stewart has one of her sisters as well.

After that our eldest cat, Tasha, suffered an abscess behind her right eye so we took her to the vets. The vet who saw her managed to get quite a bit of pus from her face but Tasha was kept in overnight. The vet said that she believed removing Tasha’s eye was the best option but is the type who likes to get a second opinion. We collected Tasha the next morning and the vet we saw told us that she would be treated with pain relief and antibiotics. During the next two weeks more pus came from Tasha’s face so we could see a bit of improvement. Two weeks later we took Tasha back for a check up and were told to continue with pain relief and antibiotics. Both of us were concerned about this but as we believed the vet was making the right choice we continued with the treatment. A few days later Tasha disappeared which is unusual for her as she was a very timid cat who didn’t wander far. Last year Tasha disappeared for a week but came back looking dusty and it looked like she had been fed. This time we believe Tasha went off to die somewhere quiet. It has been a double blow losing two cats so quickly but we know they are in a better place and they are well.

On the last Sunday in October we got another kitten from the daughter of a friend. He is a beautiful ginger kitten who is very playful. It is funny having two kittens in the place and they get on very well, and, they even eat next to each other.

Since then my aunt by marriage to my mum’s twin brother has died and not too long after he died as well. None of my Mum’s brothers are alive now and only one aunt by marriage is alive. My Dad didn’t have any siblings and I don’t have any contact with family on his side anymore.

I have more contact with my sister now which has cheered me up more than I thought I would. It is something I hadn’t expected but I am really happy as I have always loved my sister.


Since being back from our holiday I have been feeling stressed again.  It has been good to see our friend improve and be back to her old self again although eating well has probably helped.  Getting her to church on Sunday morning was fantastic and seeing everybody go to her made my day.  One thing puzzled us was finding out she could be going home on Wednesday so we got to the bottom off it when we took her back to the ward.  All the way through it’s been on our friend’s notes right from the start that we were to be included in discussions as she and her family all have special needs.  She, in particular, needs everything explained simply otherwise she doesn’t understand.  Her daughter and grandchildren understand but sometimes they do ask questions which we are happy to answer even if it means getting a member of staff to explain.

With our friend’s first social worker she realized fairly quickly that our friend thinks a lot of us so was willing to talk to us.  She knew we have our friend’s best interests a top priority so said we would be included in a meeting before our friend goes home.  Unfortunately this didn’t happen as there has been a change of social worker who, in his wisdom, thought it was okay to discuss the care plan with our friend.  The ward sister believed that our friend has understood and there was no need for us to be there but found out very quickly that this isn’t the case.  Rick asked our friend what the care plan is in front of the sister and she said “I don’t know,” as she doesn’t remember.

Rick brought up issues and I raised my concern that our friend wouldn’t eat properly, then explained about rotten food and out of date food being chucked out by her daughter.  I also mentioned that I had to bin rotten food as well and would need to go through our friend’s cupboards and fridge when she got home.  The ward sister understood then that we know what we are talking about, our friend will need extra support and she said she would talk to the social worker with the points we have raised.

On a lighter note we have got two baby rabbits which we bought on Saturday morning.  They are sisters and we saw the parents who are beautiful, I have called them Cagney and Lacy.  They are solely my responsibility.  That doesn’t bother me as I’m the one who feeds the cats and fed the dogs despite the agreement when we got our first kitten and puppy that the dog was Rick’s responsibility.  Our first dog decided I was the one who fed him so if Rick put down food for him I would have to tell him to go and eat it.  Rick’s mum always laughed about it and would comment that if she hadn’t seen it for herself she wouldn’t have believed it.  One night Rick took Bouncer to his mother’s one night and he wouldn’t eat the food that was put down so Rick rang me and I told Bouncer to eat his food.  When Bouncer heard my voice he went to the kitchen and ate.

The rabbits are very cuddly and love snuggling into us so it has been easy to get attached.

Rick and Cagney Philippa and Lacey