living with depression

sad

The 3rd August is one of those anniversaries I hate as it’s my son’s birthday. I didn’t mention it to anybody on Friday and kept busy instead. Saturday was busy as we’ve organised a weekly boot sale at a local pub so was there for several hours. We had a good day though and yesterday we went to Whitby for the day. It was a beautiful day and we both caught the sun – we’ve both got a tan as the summer has been hot.

My mood is still up and down so I prefer to keep busy. It’s hard to keep up with things to stop my mind from dwelling on what makes me sad.

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The past few weeks have been extremely stressful and hasn’t been helped by other people interferring with a fundraiser we were organising for last Saturday at the Retail Hub.  We wanted it to be for Leonard Cheshire Disability and had intended to have a coffee morning along with our friend who also wants to raise money for the charity.  Our other friend wanted to raise money for Macmillan so decided to do Brave the Shave and get sponsorship which we were pleased about.

Saturday came and it was a disaster which wasn’t helped by one of the ladies who works in the shop owned by our landlord booking a Keith Lemon impersonator.  I don’t like the man and nor do quite a few people we know.  The impersonator was just as vulgar as the real man despite being told it was a family day and to keep it clean.  our friend went through with Brave the Shave which Rick also did as well and I had a tattoo done for Macmillan.  It is a very personal tattoo as it is a celtic one and means strength and courage.  People who know my story understand my choice which is to have finishing touches in a couple of weeks.

tattoo

On Sunday we went to Southport and should have been there for two nights.  We enjoyed the day despite me forgetting to pick up my medication but it turned sour because of having an awful bedroom and bathroom.  The bed was small and hard so neither of us slept well.  Yesterday we took ourselves off to Liverpool and enjoyed our morning.  We did however decide that we couldn’t spend another night in that bed so decided to check out.  I was on a downer generally so had a minor meltdown.  This morning it ended up being a major meltdown as I was tired,  fed up and feeling a complete failure.

We did manage to get most of our stuff out of the Retail Hub which did cheer me and Rick up.  Our shop is looking different already as we have more units now and new stock.  It still needs a lot of sorting out but it didn’t stop customers coming in and buying.  This evening we went out to have a meal as a ‘thank you’ to our friend for helping out so much.

I am still feeling fragile but am trying to keep positive.

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Last Saturday I went out for a ‘girls’ night out in Shildon to see an Elvis tribute act at the working men’s club in Shildon.  It was great to let my hair down for a change and it has been the best night out I’ve had in a long time.  My friend (and neighbour) invited me out as she was going with her daughter whom I do know and her friend whom I have met once plus two friends of my neighbour.  We were the ones who got other people up dancing eventually simply because they could see we were having fun.

Since then Rick and I have been able to go out when we have felt like it.  This year hasn’t had a festive feeling leading up to Christmas even with getting in presents, decorations up and the ‘treats’ we like to have in for Christmas.

Last night we went out for a meal with friends which was their Christmas present to us.  It’s been a while since we have been out for a meal so it was a nice change from the norm.  While we were there an accident occured and the road was partially closed but we were able to get out okay.

I used to love Christmas as a child and up until I was 19 years old.  It was the one time of the year that was special and to look forward to.  Christmas always kept up its magic for me.  It wasn’t just about receiving presents it was also to celebrate Jesus’ birthday although technically he was probably between January and March but with the calendar changing it was still kept to the 25th December.  I also loved giving presents, well I still do.  Of course the reason I don’t enjoy Christmas as much as I used to is because of my son being illegally adopted.  The Christmasses he was with us I did enjoy as we were a family.  Now Christmas makes me sad and hurt.  I wish I could be honest with people why I prefer a quiet Christmas but they wouldn’t understand.

 

I carry

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