living with depression


I think

Last night I tried posting and spent some time on it but lost everything.  Yesterday we had a meeting to do with safeguarding and towards the end Cliff, the senior steward at the Valley Methodist Church, asked about the new system of signing in for when we have bible study.  Last week his brother wasn’t at all happy and caused a bit of friction which really upset me.  I, naturally, stuck up for Rick as he was in the right and was doing exactly what had been agreed at the Creating a Safer Space training the day before.  One of the ladies mentioned that people, except cafe customers, have to sign in and out.  I piped up that Woodhouse Close Church have introduced this as well recently.  It makes sense on the grounds of safety, fire, and, insurance purposes.  It also helps the church to know who comes through the building particularly as children and vulnerable people come in.

Anyway, at bible study, I let rip that we were doing what we had been asked to by the circuit safeguarding co-ordinator.  I also pointed out that I am severely depressed and I am fed up of being ignored / talked over certain people.  Then I told everybody that there is no point in me being part of the bible study group if they continue to behave like this towards me and sat at the back of church.  Cliff took his brother home.

Fast forward to yesterday and Cliff was told exactly the same as we were.  His response was ask if this was because Rick is a vulnerable person.  Rick and I said “no,” it is because Margaret – she attends bible study – has senile dementia.  Jenny, the safeguarding officer at the Valley, was laughing and nodding her head as she knows this is true.  It shut up Cliff though.  He isn’t happy that we will continue with having a record of who is at bible study.

Last night Cliff wasn’t at bible study due to commitments and incredibly there weren’t any disagreements about the list.  I did, however, still had to ask his brother to show me a bit of respect and let me finish what I was saying to him just before we left.  It is getting very tiring that he thinks it is acceptable to tell me to “shut up” then talk over me just because I dare to continue speaking.  This will come to a head eventually because I am fed up of a weekly ritual of him not listening to me when I am talking to him / the group and telling me to shut up.



I used to hate triggers when I was going through good patches but now I wish I could go back to those days just so I could a good rant then feel a bit better.  Trying to keep the mask on day by day is hard work and a struggle.  Last night I came very close walking out of bible study as there were eruptions and the usual ‘ignore Pip and talk over her’.

Due to being advised that we should have a record of people at bible study we decided to implicate straight away.  Apparantly this should have been done anyway for health and safety reasons such as if there is a fire or somebody has an accident.  It makes a lot of sense despite being a pain in the rear as the toilets are downstairs and and we meet upstairs in the chapel.  One of the arguments why we should ‘sign in’ and ‘out’ is that if someone has an accident but hasn’t signed in there isn’t written proof he or she was there.

One of the people started objecting and stated he didn’t see why we should and would only do it if it’s a new thing to do.  Technically it isn’t as we should have been doing this anyway but as we didn’t know it is new.  Every time I backed Rick (husband) up I was ignored, interrupted or talked over so in the end I exploded.  I made it quite clear that I am sick to death of certain people behaving this way and there is no point me being there as it happens week after week.  This person didn’t like what was being said so chucked his toys out of his pram and said he was going home.  I was so furious that I said I would sit at the back as it was obvious that it was okay for him to be rude and behave the way he was.  I also made it clear that as I am severely depressed I can do without all this.  His brother took him home but I stayed at the back as I was so upset.

On top of this and at short notice Rick agreed to take a couple to the James Cook  Hospital as the girlfriend had an appointment for an MRI scan.  She had a brain tumour about two years ago and has to have scans done every six months.  I know they are hard up as neither of them are working but on the other side of the coin they can find the money for cigarettes and luxuries such as mixer taps for a shower (£40), picture etc.  They regularly get food parcels plus money to put gas and electric put on.  They seem to expect us to go running every time they need something so this morning I made it quite clear to Rick that if they ring after lifts again I will be ringing them straight back.  They knew about this appointment so could have arranged free transport and I am not quite convinced they didn’t know the right number to ring.

I am also steaming that over another matter with them now.  Some time ago they mentioned that they would need to go to London to get the girlfriend’s son’s passport renewed – they are Bulgerian and the boyfriend is English.  Rick offered to take them as it will be cheaper to take them than them going by public transport.  This means I have to go as well as the car is leased through motability for me.  Anyway the condition was that they gave us money for petrol as we can’t afford to lay out that kind of money and it is for their benefit not ours.  Instead they are having to borrow the money through a local organisation that helps people out who are poor / having problems with benefits.  Rick requested that the money was given to me because he doesn’t trust them to keep the money to one side for Monday so that was collected and signed for by me this afternoon.  At the moment I don’t know if I can trust myself not to read the riot act out to the pair of them on Monday as they are pushing my buttons too often now.  It’s not as if I don’t know what it is like to be poor … I do but at least we paid our bills, got food in and then bought luxuries if we could afford to.

All I know is something has to give and I don’t know what it is.