living with depression

tired

I am getting so fed up of being tired all of the time, this morning both of us overslept which is unusual. The good side of that was being able to spend time at home. Rick and Stewart went to the shop plus J was there as well.

When I took Cassie out there were two dogs I’ve never seen before wandering, it’s not unusual to see dogs out without their owners but not these two. When I got to the park a young lady coming out of it and she asked me if I had seen two dogs with a description so I was able to say ‘yes’. She was almost in tears and told me she had just moved into the area so I pointed her in the right direction. I am hoping it didn’t take too long to find the dogs as they looked in good condition / well looked after.

What isn’t helping my mood is that I am putting on weight and am at the point of not seeing the point of staying on course for bariatric surgery. Even though I hate being overweight I don’t have any motivation to lose weight. At first I was losing weight like I have in the past when I have tried losing weight but this time I have put on weight much quicker. Now I almost 2 Kg heavier than when I first got weighed’

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My mood was improving but this past week it has gone from bad to worse.  I have been overdoing it with the voluntary work which hasn’t helped by a certain volunteer who hasn’t been doing as she has been asked.  To top it all there was no sign off her on Thursday when she should have been picked up and on Friday we found out she had decided to quit.

Wednesday was a long day as we were given donations from a house and then the following two days were busy for me as I was trying to make space downstairs.   I really did need the help so I was exhausted by Friday night.  A friend did come in Friday afternoon to help me for a couple of hours.  She is a lovely lady and whilst she was a great help she didn’t stop talking.  I smiled and put up with it simply because she was actually helping.

Yesterday I had a mini meltdown and couldn’t bear to go into the shop.  Rick and Stewart went in which was a blessed relief for me as I was able to have complete rest for a couple of hours then started tidying at home.  Even then I could have laid in bed all day which is something I haven’t done for many years.

I have also been feeling very sorry for myself and thinking about when I was still living with my parents.  For a long time I couldn’t bear thinking about the past and concentrated on the ‘here and now’.  Over the past week I have been thinking more of the better parts of my life growing up and I do miss those times.  I am having to stop myself from dwelling too much on sadder parts of my life and the mistakes I’ve made.  Too many times I’ve dwelled too long on how I have failed in my life instead of making the most of what I do have.   All I want is a quiet life and enjoy the holidays we have which I do.  I have friends which helps and doing things I haven’t done for a long time such as knitting.

 

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My latest daily struggle has been with anxiety as well as still having to deal with my mood being and down.  Chuck tiredness into the mix and it doesn’t work on the short term let alone long term.

Today has been one of those horrible long days so it has been difficult to keep hold of my temper.  I had to take the car for it’s second service this morning as I wanted that done before we go to Keswick next week.  We got to Darlington at 10.15 am and were told it would take about an hour and a half.  Lyn came along for the ride so we took a walk to Bookers and bought some stuff which we left it there as it was heavy.  We also popped into a pet supplies shop as we were passing.  When we got back to the showroom we were told that Motability had taken a long time to approve the service which we thought was odd as Motability cars have to been serviced every year.  Instead we waited over on hour.  That didn’t go down well as we were all hot and tired.  We had also gone into the auction to see if it was worth going this evening.

By the time we got home it was about 3.15 pm.  A card had been shoved through the back door from Royal Mail so Rick and I went to the post office to pick up the parcel.  By this time I wasn’t in any mood to cook a meal so we went to Morrison’s for lunch.  From there we went to the auction and Lyn met us there.  It was just as well as we bought too much to get into Rick’s car.

I am sitting here at 12 minutes past midnight and feel absolutely exhausted.

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I am sitting here feeling tired as always, it’s late yet I have no desire to go to bed.  For once, the first time in my 54 years, that I am being completely honest that I struggle with the desire to sleep.  I am tired yet I feel hyper and I know that when I go to  bed I will fight the desire to go to sleep.  It doesn’t help that Rick insists on having the television on and that keeps me awake even with the volume down due to the light coming from the television.  Even reading before going to bed doesn’t help.  If I read in bed it would help but Rick doesn’t like me having a light on including a bedside light.

Today has been a good day.

I spent time at the unit.

It was pleasurable.

Lyn came in for a chat and we had a change of plans.

Last week we and Rick decided to go to a boot sale today as we had forgotten Rick was going out on a T.O.M. (time out for men) trip.  Since then we remembered so the plan was for Lyn and I go out as planned anyway.  I did say to Rick that an option was for us to meet him at Roker as that was where the men were ending up for a meal before going home.  I planned to text Lyn this morning to suggest we went straight to Roker but she turned up at the unit before I got a chance to.  She was quite happy with the change of plan as the weather hasn’t been great.

I was happy with the change of plans even though I had been looking forward to going to the boot sale.  It meant me closing up the unit earlier than intended which wasn’t an issue.  Lyn and I took ourselves off at about 11.40 am and had a leisurely drive to Roker.  I have only been there twice, the first time was on a friends in fellowship trip, the second was a trip with Rick.  Today was my first time driving there and I did well.  I didn’t use the satnav, Lyn only piped up omce which I appreciated and I basically ‘folowed my nose’.

I was tired when we got home and a normal person would have had a doze or gone to bed for a sleep for an hour.

Not me.

I haven’t slept.

I haven’t dozed.

I am sitting here wondering what I need to do to just go to bed and sleep.

How I envy people who can go to bed and sleep quickly.

Why can’t people (in general) understand why people like me can’t function normally?

Why do I have to justify the way I am?

Why can’t I be accepted for who I am?

Why do I have to explain to people including those I call friends why I can’t function like a ‘normal’ person?

It is a battle I deal with on a daily basis and I am proud of myself for having the courage to be honest with a couple of people recently.

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I feel so tired.  On Saturday we went out just to get a bit of fresh air so had a stroll round town.  In the evening about 17 of us went out for a meal for a friend’s 70th birthday.  It’s actually his birthday today but he and his wife are on a cruise for two weeks.  Anyway the meal was lovely.  I managed to wanted a finger as I had sizzling chicken which was a different plate to the rice ad salad.  The dish was on a board so I intended to move it closer to my plate but touched the dish by mistake.  It was entirely my own fault and didn’t spoil the evening.

On Sunday we were at church twice then went to Costa for the monthly meeting.  Our neighbour met us there which pleased us. The downside was that we had another late night.

On Monday I had to stay in as we were expecting the hole in the bathroom ceiling to be fixed.  It was a long day.  In the evening it was the  first T.O.M. (time out for men) meeting of the new year.  I was on kitchen duty which entailed getting food on plates as the men arrived and we had taken some food with us.  After that I just made pots of tea and hot water for coffee.  I had also put some garlic bread in the oven and when I put it on the  side I managed to burn the same finger as before.

Tuesday was one heck of a day.  I was at the lunch club in the morning which I enjoyed.  After I got home the well-being lady turned up right on time and it was productive.  We had some lunch then I took my Avon round to my friend so she could pass it on to the lady who orders it. I went straight up to the hospital to see one of the ladies who comes to both lunch clubs at my church.  She recently broke her hip and had been in Darlington Hospital then got moved to Bishop Auckland General Hospital.  It was good to see her and she was sitting in a chair.  In the evening we went to our monthly Encounter Group.  It’s been almost a year since we started it so it’s almost scary knowing we only have one more session.  I’ve enjoyed it and it’s made me realize how much I have grown in my faith.

Yesterday it was a relieve to have a quiet day.  I managed to burn my finger a third time though, this time on the iron.  I’m still feeling tired as I had lunch club this morning.  When I got home we put our new mattress on the bed – it’s got springs one half and a memory mattress the other side.  It is much more comfortable than the ‘old’ mattress.  What is so annoying is that the bed is only a year old but the mattress wasn’t good.

My mood has been generally better the last few days and for thatI am thankful.

 

Above all

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This week has been so tiring and I am at the point of losing the will to live.

Tuesday wasn’t too bad as I got a bit of a break in the afternoon but it seemed a long evening.  We went to Brandon Methodist Church for the Encounter Programme social evening.  The first part was being taken round five gazebos which depicts the Christmas story and is aimed at young children.  It’s well done and good for children to see and take part in.

Wednesday was a long day as we got shopping in after a nurse’s appointment for Rick.  I found it hard going due to being tired and not sleeping as well as I need.

Thursday was a horrendous day.  It has been harder work in the lunch club since we have been back to three of us in the kitchen.  Catherine went off for a dentist appointment at 11.30 am so it felt like we didn’t stop to breathe.  I wasn’t happy that someone spilled water in the corridor and didn’t mop it up.  Eventually I did but I shouldn’t have been expected to do this.  By the time Catherine got back we were struggling to keep up the pace of serving and clearing up.

I had also opened my mouth before getting my mouth into first gear on Tuesday by offering to get vegetables prepared for next Thursday.  It is the lunch club Christmas dinner and there are a lot more people on that day.  At the time Cynthia thanked me and said we should be able to cope.  By Thursday she was considering whether to do fresh or frozen  brussel sprouts and asked me if I was still willing to go in on Wednesday if she got fresh.  I have agreed to that.

In the evening we had bible study and I was exhausted by that time.  If I had had my way I would have gone to bed.

Yesterday it was hard for me to concentrate at the lunch club in Shildon as I was so tired.  We had bills to pay so it became another long day.  I will be glad when next Friday afternoon comes as I will have two weeks of much needed rest.  It isn’t helping my mood.

depression

 

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I know the problem is I haven’t stopped and desperately need a break but can’t step back as I enjoy what I do.

On Saturday it was our Christmas Fayre and as usual I was in the kitchen.  We had an extra person helping.  This person was well meaning but managed to get on our nerves.  I was glad to get home.

Today was Sylvia’s funeral which went well.  It was very sad that she didn’t have any family to be there for her.  We went to the cemetary for the last part and it was at the point that I finally cried.  It was hard on so many people as she was loved and liked.

Messy church still went on this afternoon as it was arranged and children did turn up.  It good that more children were there this time.  Children are a lovely distraction when I am unhappy.

I am tired but struggle to get to sleep.  I am eating for no better reason than food is there.  My concentration has gone completely.  I wish I didn’t have to do anything, leave home, be polite …. just cut myself off from the outside.  I am tired of wearing a mask

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sad mask

Yet again I am tired.  It’s been a long day mentally rather than physically which I believe can be worse at times.  This morning I was at church and Rick had to stay at home.  We have this long running saga over a leak in the bathroom which has included having roofers out to put new felt in and a couple of new tiles.  A roofer came out and he couldn’t understand and the electrician turned up just before I went out.  When I got home I wasn’t impressed that we now have a hole in the ceiling and we have to leave the electric for the shower turned on.

I had time at home to have a rest at home, lunch and be online.  The AGM at church was on today at 4 pm which I went to purely because I knew I had been nominated for the joint council committee.  All the members who have been part of it are still on the JCC but now  myself and Cynthia are members of the committee.  I still not sure exactly what the JCC does but no doubt I soon will.

After the AGM and staying long enough for a coffee, half a salmon roll and a scone I was picked up for the evening service at the Valley Methodist Church.  Rick had arranged for me to be picked by June as he had to get set up for this evening and lead the prayer meeting.  It was a good meeting although I was relieved to get home.  We have to be up early tomorrow which isn’t exactly cheering me up either.

It really is getting me down now that I’m not having a break as such.  I enjoy my normal routine it’s other things making my mood worse.  Tomorrow I will have to keep a check on my tongue as I can see me telling two people a few home truths.

dont ever

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